Monday, March 20, 2017

Job's Daughters International issues new trademark infringement lawsuit

Papillion, NE - This week, the leadership of Job's Daughter's International, still bitterly waging a litigation war against a clothing designer in Washington State, announced its intent to serve a summons to none other than the Great Architect of the Universe (GAOTU)--known colloquially as "God"--for trademark infringement due to the Biblical story of Job. Sources close to JDI Supreme Headquarters, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity for fear of being shunned and summarily expelled from the order without just cause, stated that the JDI leadership has their eyes on the Bible for quite some time: "Job's Daughters leadership is well aware that the Bible printing industry is the most profitable book industry in the world. They feel that, as trademark holders to the Job name and story, they should receive their fair share or, if all else fails, get the Book of Job removed from the Bible altogether. They find it offensive that God is profiting off of their intellectual property, and they want to put an end to it."
The Past Bastard reached out to the JDI Supreme Headquarters in Nebraska for comment. Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the JDI Supreme Headquarters, remarked: "This case is quite clear. Job's Daughters International owns all trademarks and copyrights to the name and story of Job. It doesn't matter if God had the story written down first; the fact of the matter is He didn't copyright it and we did. I'm afraid He really doesn't have a leg to stand on."

When asked about the Job's Daughters' desire to remove the Book of Job from the Bible, Bro. Snow explained: "Of course we don't want to eradicate the story of Job. We simply want to limit the availability of unauthorized versions. The myriad different translations of the Bible that exist today dilute the true story of Job and really make it difficult for our girls to memorize their ritual. After this mess is behind us, we here at Job's Daughters promise that anyone who wants to read the Book of Job will be able to purchase the Official Licensed Edition(TM) from our e-commerce site!"

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

Monday, March 13, 2017

GL of Ohio to honor 300th anniversary of Freemasonry by streamlining ODC degree ceremonies

Dayton, OH -- In a bold and controversial move to honor of the 300th anniversary of the formation of the first known Grand Lodge in 1717, the Grand Lodge of Ohio is not only planning their biggest ever "Grand Master's One Day Class;" but the degrees themselves will be "streamlined" in order to accommodate the incoming members.

"We've done a lot of one day degrees, probably more than any other state, and we found that a lot of the guys coming in were losing attention with all the stuff we were throwing at them," explained RW Steve Garvey, the Grand Lodge Publicity Spokesperson. "By the end of the day, they hardly retained anything. Half, maybe three quarters of them always have that 'deer in the headlamps' look, so we figured that the best thing to do would be to cut out the unimportant parts and just have one big degree."

The Past Bastard questioned RW Garvey on shortened degrees.
Grand Lodge of Ohio at the Dayton Masonic Center

"We all know that there's a lot of repetitious stuff in the degrees, and that there's some stuff that doesn't really add anything," he told us. "What we did was remove some of the longer lectures, like that staircase thing. Nobody really listens to the whole thing anyhow. Then we realized that there was no sense in having three different obligations, so we're just giving them the Master Mason one. And we're combining all the working tools into one big set that we call 'The Working Toolbox.' And if we're only giving them one obligation, there's no sense in having them walk around three different times, so we're going to settle on circumnavigating just three times."

The Grand Lodge figures that by consolidating the rituals and ceremonies into one big degree, they can save between two and three hours on the One Day Class.

"If this works out, then we're going to look at possibly having a morning session and an afternoon session for our next Grand Master's One Day Class," said RW Garvey. "Our goal is to make things easy enough so that a lodge never has to put on their own set of degrees again."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Monday, March 6, 2017

Grand Lodge of Texas grants charter for new "Affinity Lodge;"

Fort Worth, TX - Affinity lodges -- lodges in which the members share a particular interest outside of Freemasonry -- have long been common in the UK and are recently growing in popularity in the US. In many states, it's not unusual to find affinity lodges in which the members go to the same university, work in the same field, or share common interests such as motorcycling, music, cigars, or Crossfit®. One such lodge is currently being formed in Texas.

"I was talking to a couple of other brothers that I had met in my area, and we realized that we had a lot in common, and we started exploring the idea of starting a lodge just for guys like us," said WB Lee Carrington. "We wanted a lodge where guys who were 60 years old, conservative, gun-owning, patriotic, and who enjoyed beer and barbecue could go and just be themselves, know what I mean?"

And with that simple precept in mind, the idea for a new lodge was born.
Republican Lodge (U.D.) prepares for their first meeting,
and  hopes to attract new members with
similar interests.

"You know, a lot of Freemasons are young, tech-savvy computer jocks, but we wanted to have a lodge for older guys who aren't hip to all that computer stuff. We just like the simple things, like target shooting, fixing up our cars, and having a pig roast on the weekends," explained WB Robert "Bobby" Ewing. "When we met up with a few other brothers who had the same interests, we thought 'Why not?' and started checking with our Grand Lodge. Fortunately, the District Officers all happened to be like minded, and offered to help out as much as they could. I think that a few of them might end up joining once we get our charter approved."

The Past Bastard followed up with district officer RWB Richard Channing.

"At first it seemed like an unusual request, but then when we thought about it, we thought that maybe it would help promote some brotherhood. So, we gave them our blessing, and they've done a great job in getting it set up and organized."

WB Carrington is pretty excited about the new lodge. "Right now we're just 'Republican Lodge UD', that means 'Under Dispensation.' We'll have a year to get our act together, and try to attract the minimum amount of  24 members. I'm hoping that with such a narrow range of interests it won't be a problem," he said.

--Conte Calvino Gliostro