Monday, July 17, 2017

COGMNA follows UGLE, drops OES

Breckenridge, CO - - One of the little known resolutions at the recent Conference of Grand Masters of North America was the agreement that American and Canadian Grand Lodges should become more like the United Grand Lodge of England.

"We've been independent for far too long," said RWB Donald Sniffgone, spokesperson for the Colorado Grand Lodge. "The different Grand Lodges around the US are starting to recognize how far apart that we have grown in terms of Masonic practices, and the only clear path is for us to give up our independent ways, and to start following whatever the United Grand Lodge of England does."

Accordingly, the Grand Lodge of Colorado has announced that the Order of Eastern Star will become a "clandestine" organization, and that the men in their grand jurisdiction will have to drop their memberships.

 "See, the UGLE doesn't recognize Eastern Star over in England," explained RWB Sniffgone. "The reasoning is unclear, but we think it's a smart move, since it keeps the men and women from mixing. I mean, ever been to a Star meeting? Or worse, one of their Grand Chapter meetings? The handful of men there all have this hollow-eyed stare, and the tension from the women is thick enough to cut with a Tyler's sword."
The Colorado Grand Lodge

The Past Bastard asked how the Grand Lodge would handle the break with the appendant order, especially since one of the requirements is that a Mason needs to be present at every meeting.

"Well, we don't expect much pushback from the men, but because of the requirement that a Mason be present at the Eastern Star chapter meetings, we've been trying to work our an arrangement with our counterparts in Larkspur. We're hoping that we can have some of their women co-masons available to sit in on those meetings in lieu of our men Freemasons."

Larkspur, Colorado is the headquarters of the newly renamed" The Honorable Order of Universal Co-Masonry," a Masonic order that is primarily women, but admits men.

"Ultimately, we're hoping that the Eastern Star women will turn their chapters into Co-Masonry lodges. Since we're not in amity, it means that our guys will be able to focus on our own Freemasonry, and not get sucked into those Star meetings any longer."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro




Monday, July 10, 2017

Lodge turns to Clandestine Masonry for notoriety, book deals

Chicago, IL - Fueled by mainstream Masonry's high demand for speakers and authors who began their Masonic journeys in Clandestine Lodges, one lodge in Chicago is hoping to get a piece of the action by turning themselves clandestine. Duplicitous Lodge #2, now under the jurisdiction of the Most Worshipful Regular Chicago Grand Lodge Masonic Speakers For Hire, Inc, spent almost one hundred years as a lodge subordinate to the Grand Lodge of Illinois before the brethren came up with an idea to gain the lodge, and its members, more notoriety and standing within the greater Masonic community.

MW Bro. Joe Snow, former Master of Duplicitous Lodge and sitting Grand Master of the MWRCGL Masonic Speakers For Hire, Inc, gave an exclusive interview to The Past Bastard, albeit after the payment of a ridiculously high honorarium: "We here at Duplicitous Lodge realized there's a big market for mainstream Masons who started out clandestine to get paid to share their experiences. Former clandestine Masons go on podcasts, write books, and attend keynote speaking engagements at special lodge events and annual conferences worldwide. We felt that we'd have a lot to contribute to that market, so last week we formed our own Grand Lodge and took our entire lodge clandestine! We spent the past weekend doing all the things that clandestine Masons do like charging lots of money, beating each other with paddles, and scaring each other with fireworks. We're ready to come back into the regular Grand Lodge of Illinois fold, heal ourselves, and share our clandestine experiences with the world...for a small fee, of course."

When The Past Bastard asked MW Snow how he could be so sure the Grand Lodge of Illinois would accept Duplicitous #2 back into their fold, MW seemed sure an arrangement could be made: "We aren't certain the Grand Lodge even knows we're gone. Besides, the lodge brethren are all agreed that we'll be giving the Grand Lodge of Illinois a substantial break in speaker's fees over the course of the next year. It's a win-win."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

Monday, July 3, 2017

Grand Master moves to posthumously expel George Washington

Alexandria, VA - In a shocking turn of events, The Past Bastard has learned that Most Worshipful Vermin Crook, the Grand Master of Virginia, has put forward plans to posthumously expel George Washington from membership in Freemasonry. Sources close to the Grand Lodge, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, cite the strained relationship between the Grand Lodge and one of its subordinates, namely Alexandria-Washington Lodge #22, as the catalyst for the expulsion of the most famous American Freemason who ever lived: "Ever since Most Worshipful Crook busted in and took the Lodge's charter back in April, he's been trying to root out the cause of the Lodge's so-called 'deviant' behavior," said one source, "after he forcibly removed from office the AW-22 Worshipful Master, Senior Warden, Secretary, Treasurer, Almoner, Stewards, a bunch of past masters, and two non-masons who happened to show up for dinner, the Grand Master set his sights on Bro. Washington."

When The Past Bastard asked why the Virginia Grand Master felt it necessary to press charges against Bro. George Washington, our source replied: "There we two things working against Bro. Washington at that point. First, Most Worshipful Crook felt that Bro. Washington's reckless and rebellious lifestyle, as evidenced by his fighting against the British in the American Revolution, instilled a precedent for deviant behavior on the part of his future Lodge brethren. Second, Most Worshipful Crook feels that Bro. Washington should be held responsible as the founder of AW-22. We can't really blame the Grand Master for his position--these tensions wouldn't exist had the Lodge never been founded!"

"In the end," another anonymous source stated, "the Grand Lodge was left with few options. We could have suspended him and held a Masonic trial, but we all knew he wouldn't show up for it. The Grand Master decided we needed a clean break. He is looking forward to putting this unpleasantness behind him."


The Past Bastard reached out to the Grand Lodge of Virginia for comment, but the only response we received directed us to review the Grand Lodge's "Social Media, Public Relations, Information Technology, and the Internet is the Invention of Satan and You Should Never Ever Ever Use It" Policy and, to be honest, our writers had an easier time translating Morals and Dogma into Pig Latin than we did in deciphering that tome.

-Exalted Patron Doctor Dorian Dalton

Monday, June 26, 2017

Freemason University shut down by protesters

Akron, OH -- Self-described SRJWs (Scottish Rite Justice Warriors) have taken over Ohio's Freemason University, and have fielded a list of demands that need to be met before they allow the University to continue.

"First of all, there's way too much emphasis on all those dead white males in Freemasonry. We want to see more modern texts, with diverse authors," said a protester going by the name of "Hiram X." He declined to give examples or suggestions, claiming "It's not my job to educate you."

Other demands were equally as perplexing to university officials. "They asked us to stop serving green beans and potatoes with baked chicken, and to add some classes on such odd things as the history of the ritual. I mean, who thinks of crazy things like that?" asked university chairman Doug Darjeeling. "It's like they are asking us to teach that the UGLE doesn't own Freemasonry."

When The Past Bastard pointed out that the UGLE, does not, in fact, own Freemasonry, the chairman ended the interview, saying that we needed to educate ourselves before we could even think about reporting on such a story.

The Past Bastard also noted that Freemason University is an "online," or virtual learning center, a fact which did not seem to faze the protesters. "We're planning to wear our rings upside down, and to wear our aprons on the inside of our jackets, too" they told us. "If there is no one way to do Freemasonry, then all ways are good ways."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro



Monday, June 19, 2017

He was a Mason since 2006 yet never went to lodge. The reason will astound you.

Windsor, ON -- Bro. Dick Johnson joined Stuart Lodge in the Windsor suburbs back in 2006. He has a perfect attendance record, but has never been to an entire meeting. It's not because he walks out; quite the contrary, Bro. Dick barely moves from his chair... as Tyler.
A small portion of Bro. Dick Johnson's sword collection.

"Oh, it's the greatest," Bro. Dick told The Past Bastard during an interview in the basement of his parent's suburban home outside of this Canadian city. "I mean, think about it: What other club can you belong to that would let you use a sword all the time?"

Dick Johnson is a bit of a sword aficionado, and told us that he has a different sword for every meeting of the year -- and then some.

"I can't give you a number because that changes weekly, but a few weeks ago it was almost 200. I have swords from all different eras, and while most are copies, I actually have a few historical pieces, although I just leave those in their cases and don't take them out much."

Bro. Dick has been a Tyler for his entire Masonic career.

"They asked me if I wanted to get into the officer line back when I joined. I thought about it for, like three seconds, and then asked if I could be a Tyler. He's the guy that sits outside the door with a sword, you know."  Bro. Dick became the Tyler that year. The Past Bastard asked if he had aspirations to any other position.

"Naw, none of those positions let you have swords, so they didn't seem very interesting to me. I did look into the Commandery thing, because I heard that they were Knights Templar," he told us.  "The real Templars had the most awesome swords, but those Commandery guys just have these flimsy little rapiers. They bend and they aren't very useful, and they won't allow you to use any real swords. What kind of knights are those, know what I mean?"

The Past Bastard asked Bro. Dick if he had any intention of moving into any of the other chairs.

"No, I'm not really interested in any position that doesn't involve swords, " he told us." I mean, I just really enjoy swords, you know?"

--Conte Calvino Gliostro




Monday, June 12, 2017

Caterers Confuse Local Lodge Members

Columbus, OH - Members of a local Masonic Lodge near Columbus, Ohio were left confused and befuddled last weekend when they were informed that the so-called catering company they had been using for Lodge dinners was in reality the local Court of the Order of the Amaranth, a Masonic appendant body. Bro. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Comestible Lodge No. 44, explained further: "We've used Amaranth as caterers for years. Nice ladies. Gave us the best price in town--we thought it was because their food, frankly, wasn't all that great. We kept them on because we all know, as long as there's green beans, Masons aren't picky. We couldn't believe it when someone told us they were actually a Masonic body. We had no idea."
Bro. Jonathan Doe, Senior Steward at Comestible Lodge, was left similarly puzzled by the revelation: "I guess it all makes sense. I mean, these ladies kept asking me to petition and I couldn't understand why I'd ever petition to join a catering company. I can't cook. That's why we outsource our Lodge dinners in the first place! I guess I'm going to have to figure out a way to remove that two-star Yelp! review I left them for the undercooked, under-seasoned chicken they served at last month's dinner."

Wor. Bro. Snow closed his interview with The Past Bastard by mentioning that this revelation, while confusing, won't likely cause him to change how Lodge dinners are run:"Look, the food is edible and those Amaranth ladies are nice enough. If anything, we'll probably have to pay them more now that we know they're connected to the Masons. We probably won't use them exclusively as they don't cook much outside of dry chicken and canned green beans. Our Senior Warden is trying to get us to branch out a bit more, so next month we're ordering Chinese from that 'Eastern Star' catering company down the street."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

Monday, June 5, 2017

Gay Masons turn to affinity lodges


Richmond, VA -- Despite being an organization that accepts men of all religious faiths, Freemasons have not been quite so accepting of men who have non-traditional sexual preferences. Facing expulsion if discovered to be "out," gay Freemasons in some areas of the US, desirous of being able to socialize together, have taken to forming affinity lodges as places where they can congregate and speak freely.

Affinity lodges have been common in the UK for years, and have recently gained a foothold in the US, with lodges forming around such interests as cars, fashion, sports, career choices, Crossfit, and other associations. With this in mind, a number of affinity lodges have been formed with the unspoken intention of attracting the handful of gay men that are in the fraternity.

"While some states are cool, we have to be careful in places like Georgia, West Virginia, Tennesee, and a few of the other states down in the Bible Belt," said Lee Beracchi, Worshipful Master of Outback Lodge in Richmond, "And of course, that goes for right here in Virginia, where about half the Grand Line wants to have us expelled. That's why we came up with the idea of creating a lodge where some of the boys can just attend without worrying about accidentally outing themselves. I knew of other such lodges in other states, so we started this one a few years ago."

The Past Bastard asked about the name.

"We picked 'Outback Lodge' because all the gay members drive Subaru Outbacks. In fact, you can pretty much count on anyone driving an Outback to be gay or lesbian," explained WB Beracchi. "It's not unusual for Subaru owners to have other kinds of get-togethers, so it was a perfect cover-up. It's kind of like a 'hankie-code' in that unless you happened to be in  on the knowledge, you wouldn't think twice about it."

WB Beracchi declined to give us details on how many members belonged to Outback Lodge, explaining that he didn't want to call undue attention to the lodge or its activities. "I will say, however, that we've got a surprising number of dual members from DC and Maryland," he told us. "So, hopefully those dues going into the Virginia Grand Lodge will be appreciated at some point, if you know what I mean."

WB Beracchi gave The Past Bastard a list of other such affinity lodges around the US, and we hope to visit and interview members as time allows.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro