Thursday, November 14, 2019

Springfield, MA -- Massachusetts has always been on the forefront of innovation in Freemasonry, so it was no surprise when the Grand Lodge announced that they are ready to release a modernized second section, or "staircase" lecture for 2020.

"See, everybody knows that Masonic historian and lecturer Ezra Pound added the staircase lectures to the Fellowcraft degree as a way to add some educational material so the new merchant class members could have some idea of what the more educated brothers were talking about," said Grand Lecturer RW Jeff Kroger. "So he added some basics, like Architecture, Grammar, Astrology, things like that. Those might have been important in the old days, but now that everyone pretty much has the same liberal arts education, we've decided that it's time to make the educational staircase lecture more relevant. More high tech, you know?"


RW Kroger went on to explain that the entire lecture was not being changed. "No, see, it's just the really outdated stuff that we're changing," he told The Past Bastard. "For example, nobody needs any of that astrology stuff, since you could just look it up on Google sky view or whatever. So, we're going to take that out and replace it with this cool esoteric piece about computers. I mean, learning about computers is a lot more useful than learning about the stars and planets and stuff, isn't it?"

The Past Bastard asked how much of the old lecturers were going to remain.

"Oh, a lot of it's still there," RW Kroger told us. "I mean, like that grammar stuff is still there, 'cos it's pretty important to be able to speak right. Oh, and music is still there, although we snuck in a little bit about Elvis, mainly because the Custodians of the Work are fans. Let's see, we're keeping the Geography stuff in there, 'cos we Masons are totally about geography, right? But we decided to replace rhetoric with something about home economics, since we decided that it's more important to know how to grocery shop, cook, pay bills, things like that. "

"Oh, and we're not changing the classical architectural columns stuff," he told us. "But we're thinking about adding something about Bauhaus, since postmodernism is still a thing, and nobody uses Composite columns anymore. They're far too ornate for refined contemporary tastes."

Friday, November 8, 2019

Grand Lodge of PA to offer DIY insurance for lodge improvements

Altoona, PA - The proliferation of YouTube videos and other online tutorials have encouraged a growing number of Freemasons to take on basic and even some advanced building improvement in and around their lodges. However, noting the increasing numbers of mishaps in the last several years, the Grand Lodge of Pennsylvania has worked with a well known commercial insurance group to offer lodges coverage on what many are calling "Bro-bono Contractors."

Dressing up a room with some new woodwork is usually one
of the first things that brothers will try on their own.
"Just because YouTube says that you could," said WB Al Borland, of the Grand Lodge of Pennsylvania Financial Services Committee, "it doesn't mean that you should. No offense to many of my well meaning brothers, but some of these lodges get together for a work party, armed with a few cases of beer, some old tools, and an internet connection. It doesn't always end well."



"We've had stories about some of the lodge improvement projects that should have been easy, like painting or fixing a broken window, and turn into month-long projects as brothers with make-shift tools end up making things worse. Last week we  had some guys blending together some old paint that they had found in their basements. Naturally they ended up mixing oil based paint with latex, and the walls actually had to be town down and new sheetrock put up."

Many lodges give their kitchens an update with
some inexpensive cabinets from the home stores.
The Past Bastard asked if the Grand Lodge shouldn't try to discourage some of these brothers, instead of offering insurance. Doesn't that just encourage them?

"Well, nothing will discourage some of those guys. Their dues have been $65 a year since Jimmy Carter was president, and if they had to actually pay for an electrician or plumber, it would take a three month long argument, several dimits, and an attempt to have a car wash or bake sale to cover the cost. The more independent minded would just offer to do it themselves, and that's who we're looking out for."

WB Borland told The Past Bastard that for a small fee, the insurance policy will pay for a licensed, non-Mason contractor to finish or repair a job that the brothers start. "We're mainly concerned with things like electrical work, plumbing, and light remodeling," he told us, "But we also have a higher class of policy for those doing more physically dangerous things like replacing a roof."

Most members feel empowered if they can
modernize a light switch or outlet.
The Past Bastard asked why the policy coverage pays for non-Masons to do the work. "Oh, Masons are notoriously cheap when it comes to looking out for their own," WB Borland said. "If a lodge had a brother Mason coming by to do some contracting work, they would guilt him into doing pretty much the entire job at cost. And then they'll take six months to even pay the guy because some past mater will complain about some little detail, and then there will be some kind of feud. You know how they get."

Freemasons around the US should look for their own Grand Lodges to offer similar policies in the coming years.

Thursday, October 31, 2019

GL Connecticut becomes first mainstream GL to lose PHA recognition

Hartford, CT - Thirty years ago, the Grand Lodge of Connecticut became the first of many US Grand Lodges to extend mutual recognition to their state Most Worshipful Prince Hall Grand Lodge counterparts, ending a two hundred year divide and paving the way for mutual recognition in most other US states. This year, in an ironic twist, the Connecticut Prince Hall Grand Lodge dropped their recognition of the Grand Lodge of Connecticut, in what looks to be the first of  more such actions around the country.

"Oh, yes, I remember how proud we all were back then," said MWB Louis Minefield, Past Grand Master of PHA in Connecticut, recalling the early days of recognition. "I was just a Junior Warden in my lodge at the time, but all of us were thrilled with the prospect of becoming the first of what we hoped would be a domino effect of mutual recognitions. Unfortunately, none of us foresaw what the state of Freemasonry would become."

The Past Bastard contacted representatives from the PHA in Connecticut, and learned that for the last several years, PHA Freemasons around the US have become concerned with the application process of the mainstream Grand Lodges; specifically at how easily they accept new members.

Most Worshipful Prince Hall Grand Lodge in Hartford, Connecticut.
The first PHA Grand Lodge to be mutually recognized by the GL of State
counterpart has now become the first to suspend that recognition.
"When I was interested, do you know how long it took me to become a Mason? Almost two years," said RW Curtis Bullock. "Before they even allowed me to submit the application, I had to go to dinners, meet the brothers, and have them come to my house. They asked for my employment history, where I went to church, where my mom went to church, you name it. Almost two years! But this guy I work with, he joined the state lodge in his town, right? It didn't take even two months from getting that blue paper to his initiation. I honestly thought he was joking with me when I heard that. Two months? How do you even know what kind of guy you got joining your lodge?"

RWB Bullock isn't alone in his concerns. Many PHA Freemasons in the northeast US have expressed similar concerns, causing them to doubt the legitimacy and integrity of what they call the "Grand Lodge of State" Freemasons.

"And another thing, never mind that it's only a few months between the petition and the initiation," said WB Will Wooten. "Those guys pay so little for dues that they can't possibly care about their lodge. I mean, my neighbor belongs to a lodge across town, and he pays like, ninety five dollars a year. He said it was seventy five, and when they went up last year, half the members threatened to demit. Ninety five dollars? My lodge is six hundred dollars a year, plus I gotta volunteer time to the upkeep and cleaning and stuff. We've all got pride in our lodge. How do those state masons have any pride when they threaten to quit over twenty dollars?"

"My lodge meets in a state lodge building," said WB Calvin Thompson. "I've stopped in at a few of their monthly meetings, and I've seen guys dressed in jeans, tee shirts, sneakers. One night a brother showed up in hospital scrubs. I mean, seriously? Like, you can't throw some clothes in the back seat  of your car before work, and change when you get to lodge?"

MWB Minefield told The Past Bastard that, based on the concerns raised by so many members of their organization, Grand Lodges of State have lowered their requirements so much that Freemasonry is only a ghost of what it had been as little as a century ago. "The brothers of Prince Hall simply felt that we could not continue, in good conscience, our relationship with a jurisdiction that doesn't take Freemasonry seriously. So we voted to suspend our recognition of them until such time when they get their act together, and start acting like proper Freemasons."

The Past Bastard asked MWB Minefield about the Prince Hall Grand Lodges in other states.

"I'm not really at liberty to speak for anyone else," he told us. "But I can tell you that our neighbor directly north is already discussing it. Did you know that the Massachusetts state grand lodge has billboards and TV ads? Actual ads on television, to attract more members! Man, if our founders had known this was the direction Freemasonry was headed, they would have demitted and turned in their charter."



Wednesday, October 23, 2019

GL of California Committee on Social Responsibility bans plastic straws, plates, utensils

San Francisco, CA -- Citing a need for Freemasons to become more socially and environmentally conscious, the Grand Lodge of California announced this week that beginning in 2020, lodge buildings were no longer allowed to have single use plastic straws, utensils, or plastic or foam plates.

"Yes, we expect some pushback, but as Freemasons, we believe that it's our social responsibility to be at the forefront of social change," said RWB Craigg Wall, chair of the newly formed Committee on Social Responsibility. "There's no reason for lodges to have dinners on paper or styrofoam plates and just toss them out after one use. After 2020, lodges will have to decide whether or not to use china and install a dishwasher, or will have to find some other way to have dinners, festive boards, and table lodges."
Festive boards in California will no longer be allowed to use
plastic tableware after 2020.

The Past Bastard contacted RWB Wall, and asked if he thought that the increased use of water and energy to clean the dishes didn't offset the amount of plastic and waste disposal.

"We think that at first, there will be some adjustment," he told us, "but we also expect that as some lodges -- especially the larger ones -- get tired of washing dishes every week, that more of them will opt to have festive boards at neighborhood cafes and restaurants. Or they can have a food truck stop by after the meeting, which will help support the local economy."

The Past Bastard also noted that the Committee on Social Responsibility did not seem have a ban on plastic cups, leading us to wonder if this was an oversight, or if the Grand Lodge was getting some kind of kickback from the industry. Inquiries to the CSR on that point have remained unanswered.


Thursday, October 17, 2019

GL Kentucky undertakes emergency ritual training when lodge discovered to be passing down incorrect word

Madisonville, KY -- The Custodians of the Work of Grand Lodge of Kentucky have announced emergency measures for retraining the last several generations of Freemasons in some of the lodges in the western end of the state, after it was discovered that virtually all of the members have been passing down the wrong "Master's Word." 
Friend corn bread, sometimes called
Indian Bread or Corn Pone is a popular side
dish in the southern and midwestern states.


"I realize that it's a big state, and our own Grand Lodge has to take some of the responsibility here," said Very Worshipful Buck Hatfield, District Director of Ceremonies.  "We don't get out to the rural lodges as often as we should, so nobody ever really noticed this. Fortunately, Bob McCoy happened to figure it out, so we can at least work to correct the problem."

Hatfield was talking about Right Worshipful Robert McCoy, DDGM in one of the western districts. The Past Bastard reached out to RW McCoy. "I was just making one of those routine lodge visits in... well, I suppose I shouldn't mention the lodge. But anyway, they served up a nice fry-up before the meeting, and I was up at one end of the table, and I said to the fellers at the other end, 'Hey, would you pass me the corn pone?' All of a sudden, everything got real quiet. A couple of old timers dropped their forks, and everybody just swiveled their heads to look at me. "

Over the course of the dinner and subsequent meeting, RW McCoy determined that for at least the previous thirty three years, and possibly longer, lodge members had been passing down a regional name for corn bread, instead of the correct version of the "Master's Word."

The Past Bastard asked how this could have happened. 

"That's the problem with the lodges out in the sticks," VW Hatfield explained. "Not only don't we get out there as often, but frankly, some of them are so small that we forget about them. Hell, the lodge we're talking about is only fifty miles as the crow flies from Madisonville, but it's literally a four hour drive to get there -- which nobody even wants to attempt in the spring or fall rainy season, so probably nobody checked on this lodge since Reagan was president."

The Past Bastard asked what the resolution for this situation was going to be. 

"Well, the secretary, he's calling all the old lodge members, which ain't easy because most of them are in Florida now," VW Hatfield told us. "The Grand Master gave them a dispensation to ask them for the word over the phone, and to correct them if they heard it wrong. From what I understand, that's not going well, either. But in the meantime, we're sending more guys out to the smaller lodges in the surrounding area to check, and hopefully retrain them."

"The members of this lodge were playing a thirty-odd year long game of Telephone," added RW McCoy. "Fortunately, it's only that one word they got wrong. At least they didn't pass down the other words 'Bows Ass' and "Sherbet Test' wrong, too."

Thursday, October 10, 2019

E-Juice Company To Market Vape For Freemasons

Irvine, CA -- Nationally known e-juice (aka "vape juice") maker Black Note has teamed up with the Grand Lodge of California to create a line of vape scents specifically for Freemasons.

"As a lot of lodges adopt a 'no-smoking on premises' policy, it's alienating some of the existing members. Not only that, but as we get an influx of new, younger members, most of those guys are already vaping," explained RWB Craigg Hall, spokesperson for the Committee on Public Development. "We thought that this would be a good way to reach both the younger guys who are already vaping, plus the older guys who might consider giving up those cigars and cigarettes for something a little more upscale."

"While 'Acacia' is already hitting the shelves, those guys are already working on one called 'Pot of Incense' which will be a blend of myrrh and other herbs," said RWB Hall. "I'm not a smoker, myself, but I wouldn't mind some pleasant cedar or myrrh wafting through the lodge room during degrees, instead of the smell of pre-digested chili, if you get my meaning," he added.

Informal chats with Black Note led to the development of an acacia scented juice, which should appeal to Masons for obvious reasons. This will be followed up later in 2020 with "Pot of Incense," and later on, "Tall Cedars," a woodsy scent.




Friday, October 4, 2019

Network cancels "Dancing with the Masons"

Hollywood, CA - Freemasons around the West Coast were disappointed last week when ABC announced that it would not go forward with the proposed DWTS spin-off "Dancing With The Masons." Network spokespersons announced that preliminary showings weren't connecting with audiences, but The Past Bastard has been contacted by several anonymous sources who gave some more insight.

"First of all, you need to understand that DWTS is a very active, engaging competition, and that the guests need to be in good physical shape," one source told us. "Guests who might get winded after walking up a flight or two of stairs aren't going to manage the weeks of daily practice. Is there something about Masons that make them prone to moving slowly? If we had known that, we might have approached it differently."

Another source explained, "Also, dancing is supposed to be fun for the people watching, and for the people actually dancing. Most of your guys looked like they were doing commandery formation drills or something. Loosen up a little."

"Oh, and one more thing," added the first anonymous speaker. "Dancing is somewhat ritualistic, which is why we initially thought this might be a good fit. But when some of your guys started bringing the Eastern Star wives along, we discovered that they spent more time fighting over who would lead and who would follow, that we had to keep sending them outside to cool off. It was easier to just cancel the entire thing."