Thursday, March 28, 2019

Massachusetts to get hundreds of new members in one shot. Unfortunately, none of them will pay dues.

Boston, MA -- Citing the opportunity to improve tourism, the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts has announced that they intend to make every man who fought in the Revolutionary War a Mason-At-Sight.

"Oh, yes, it was a very controversial decision, yes indeed," said Worshipful Brother Ronald Maroon, spokesperson for Grand Lodge Posthumous Affairs. "We argued about this at the Grand Lodge officers level for weeks and weeks. Ultimately, of course, the money won. It always does."

By "money," RW Maroon was referring to the idea that publicly identifying hundreds of early American patriots would increase public curiosity, visits, and perhaps even some new petitions.

"Oh, yes, it's pretty obvious that we Yanks love our early Patriots. We already get mobs of tourists here, especially when school lets out, who love to prowl around those old graveyards, or buy those souvenir tri-corn hats, or wave their Air-soft muskets around," he explained in an interview with The Past Bastard. "Our intention is to increase the public awareness of how closely those patriots are tied to Freemasonry."

Making someone a "Mason-At-Sight" is still a controversial practice even on living people. Several Grand Masters have made famous (dead) figures Masons-At-Sight, claiming that they probably would have become Masons had they lived long enough. But the Massachusetts decision has rocked the Masonic world.

"Simply put," RW Maroon told us, "We figured that all of the patriots fighting for freedom were on our side. Since some of them were already Freemasons, it's obvious that those men had the same ideals and principles. Yes, they died in the war, but if they hadn't, the probably would have moved back to the Bay State, started a little farm, become good citizens, and joined one of the local lodges. It's a totally reasonable assumption."

"By making a public declaration, we hope to increase the curiosity among the public, so when they visit Massachusetts, they will come to associate 'patriot' with 'Freemason.' Oh, and that they'll buy some merchandise with our branded 'Square and Compasses', of course. There's no downside!"

"Well, except," he admitted, "that none of those new members will be paying dues."

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Rhetorical Voices: Trendy or traditional foods in lodge?

The Past Bastard interviews random members from random lodges on random topics of Masonic importance.

Question: What do you think about the former Grand Master of West Virginia resigning over his mother lodge serving trendy foods instead of baked chicken and green beans?

Bob Hoskins, Treasurer, Steinbeck Lodge No. 118
"Well, personally, I'm a health nut, and I only eat paleo, so I wouldn't be eating those potatoes, donuts, noodles, pizza, or anything else that actually tastes good. And if you can't go to lodge and enjoy a dinner, then what's the point? Might as well sit at home posting memes on Facebook."


Larry Sotero, Past DDGM, Chantilly Lodge No 9

"Those damn liberals screw up everything, you know that? The poor bastard, excuse my French, just wanted to go to lodge and have a meal with his brothers, and they took away one of the few wholesome things about Freemasonry - the Festive Board - and they expected him to eat California food? It's a wonder the entire lodge hasn't lost its damn charter!"

Barnard Saundars, Junior Steward, Plank Lodge No. 312: 
"It's really too bad that the poor guy felt the need to resign because he couldn't have his fix of animal flesh. I wish I had the opportunity to have him try some good vegetarian dishes, like zucchini steaks or lima bean burgers, which are so much better not only for your person, but for the entire planet."

Friday, March 8, 2019

Masonic world rocked as former Grand Master resigns

Charleston, WV - Anonymous sources inside COGMNA (Conference of Grand Masters of North America) have leaked information to the effect that a prominent Past Grand Master has just tendered his resignation to his Grand Lodge. This is not a demit, but an actual resignation from the fraternity.

The Past Bastard has obtained a copy of the letter of resignation, which has been partially redacted. We are reprinting it here:

Know all men  by these presents that I, the undersigned [redacted], Past Grand Master, and member of good standing in [redacted] Lodge, being of sound mind and labouring under no disabilities, legal or otherwise, do hereby voluntarily declare:

WHEREAS: The dinner served to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at the Last Supper was baked chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained Masonic Lodges should emulate the examples of the One True God, Our Lord Jesus Christ, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained lodges are erected to the Glory of God, and

WHEREAS: Dinners at said well maintained and regular Masonic lodges should be served, and

WHEREAS: Said dinners should rightfully consist of backed chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: My own mother lodge, [redacted] has taken to serving trendy hipster foods such as Italian pizza, Japanese bento boxes, Thai curry, Vietnamese Pho, Greek gyros, and other such foreign and blasphemous foods, and

WHEREAS: I desire to remain true to the Holy Scriptures,

NOW, THEREFORE: I resign from the Grand Lodge of West Virginia, owing no money to any brothern, nor having other obligations.

"For me and my house, we will serve the baked chicken." Sarducci 19:79

SIGNED: [redacted]

The Past Bastard will continue to monitor the situation.