Thursday, November 29, 2018

Facebook glitch accidentally shuts down Freemason groups. Cause so far unknown.

Menlo Park, CA -- In a move that surprised literally hundreds of Freemasons all around the globe, Facebook temporarily shut down several dozen of the largest Masonic themed discussion groups, including Freemasonary, Some Things Masonic, Wide World of Masons, and The Windy Steps.

"I was responding to a comment from a brother who claimed that there wasn't a proper way to wear a ring," said WB Gregg Atrium, a frequent visitor to Wide World of Masons. "I had just hit the Enter key to send my response that he was actually in error, when the whole browser window went gray. I refreshed, and I couldn't find the group anymore. I finally had to go argue with people on one of the political groups."

Facebook Illuminati symbol
Facebook officials re-approved the Masonic groups, and explained that the issue had been due to a programming error. The Past Bastard contacted a senior administrator to learn more.

"For the last couple of months, we have been seeing a huge spike in 'Illuminati' scams," said Kathrine Ballou,, senior programmer at Facebook. "Because of the huge increase in reports, we decided to introduce some programming algorithms to weed out the scammers. The issue seemed to have happened because of the parameters of the algorithms."

The Past Bastard asked Ms Ballou if she could clarify what she meant.

"Well, we noticed that in many of the reports, we saw comments from men -- it was almost always men -- who sent in money to these Illuminati groups in hopes of gaining enlightenment, and to make contacts with other enlightened men. The complaints were usually that they sent in money, and then never made any contacts, nor, obviously, did they get any enlightenment." She added, "Unless you count how much lighter their wallets got."

Facebook set the parameters of their algorithms to shut down any groups in which members were complaining about having paid for enlightenment, and not having received anything in return, she said.

"For reasons that aren't clear to me, probably because I'm not one of those Freemason types, our algorithms found something in the Freemasonry groups that were similar enough to the Illuminati scams. I'm at a loss to explain it, but we hope to fine tune the parameters to keep it from happening again."

Ms Ballou then asked if we could provide any insight as to why the Illuminati parameters might have caused the Freemason groups to be shut down. "You guys talk about getting light all the time, right? Is it something to do with that? The Freemasons certainly wouldn't be scamming their members, would they?"

The Past Bastard declined to answer.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Lodge finds delicious way to deal with cultural appropriation protesters

Seattle, WA -- For several decades the members of Composite Lodge on Seattle's east side would have a Hawaiian Shirt Night, at which members would show up casually dressed in shorts and loud, floral island shirts, have a short meeting, and then enjoy a pig roast. That tradition may come to an end, however, as a relic of a bygone time.
Chanting and holding signs saying "My Culture Is Not Your Costume," dozens of protesters have stood outside Composite Lodge for the last week, demanding an end to their politically incorrect tradition. Protest organizer, and chapter head of EraseTheHate, Colleen O'Connor, explained: 

"It's terribly offensive to native Asian Pacific Island people. Those floral island print shirts are a sacred tradition, and the Masons are being culturally insensitive by trying to appropriate those cultural items, and making them into a joke."

"Umm... no, it's not," said Jason Kahale, Master of Composite Lodge. Speaking to The Past Bastard, he told us, "My grandfather came here from Hawaii in after World War 2. He, my father, and two of my uncles have been members here. I have friends and cousins from this and other lodges with similar goofy traditions. I'm pretty sure if there were something insulting going on, we'd know about it. "

Colleen O'Connor was unswayed by his remarks. "He's become too integrated with American culture to know that his native culture has been appropriated and whitewashed, and we're going to camp outside this lodge until the members are educated."

The Past Bastard will follow up with this story as events unfold.


The Past Bastard contacted Worshipful Brother Jason Kahale several days after the Hawaiian Shirt Night took place.

"Funny thing, but despite having the potential for some bad optics, it actually ended up pretty well," WB Kahale said. "Once the smells from the pig roast started drifting across the parking lot, the protestors seemed to lose interest. In fact, we cut some slices of roast pig and some pineapple and brought it over for them. That shut most of them up, and they came over to talk to us. We even got a few requests for petitions out of it, and a couple of the younger women asked about the Eastern Star chapter."

"The best way to appropriate culture is to eat some of it," WB Kahale told us. "I can't wait to see what happens next month when we start doing a Taco Tuesday."

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Masons flock to join UGLE lodge, and you'll never guess why!

Washington, D.C. - Freemasons everywhere within the United States are tripping over themselves to join Internet Lodge No. 9659, holden under the United Grand Lodge of England, for a very unexpected reason. That reason has nothing to do with homophobic Grand Lodge policies, racist Grand Lodge officers, or infighting among U.S. Grand Lodges; instead, the reason is more to do entirely with another body altogether: Order of the Eastern Star.  

The Past Bastard caught up with Bro. Joe Snow, the newest petitioner seeking to affiliate with Internet Lodge, to get his take on why he was so eager to join a Lodge across the pond:

"Well, everybody in my mother Lodge keep asking me to join Eastern Star, and I really don't wanna, but I feel like I'm letting my brothers and their grandmothers down by saying no. When I heard that the Grand Lodge of England considers Eastern Star a clandestine organization, I knew I had found the perfect excuse. Once I'm a full member of Internet Lodge, I can just tell my brothers I can't join because it's clandestine. No one can argue with that, and I don't have to worry about hurting the feelings of those nice 80 year-old ladies in white."

Bro. Joe went on to tell The Past Bastard that Internet Lodge was the perfect UGLE Lodge to join as it has no residency requirements for affiliation: "It's about the only UGLE Lodge I can join without actually having to live abroad. Believe me, I'll do just about anything I can to get out of joining the Star. I've heard their introductions alone go on for hours!"

In 1999, the United Grand Lodge of England issued a statement on mixed bodies "not directly imitative of pure antient Masonry, but which by implication introduce Freemasonry, such as the Order of the Eastern Star," declaring membership and participation in such organizations to be "incompatible with membership in this Grand Lodge."

Thursday, November 1, 2018

IOOF outpaces Freemasonry in esoteric content, and the reason will shock you!

Winston-Salem, NC - A new study commissioned jointly between the Conference of Grand Masters in North America (COGMNA) and the Sovereign Grand Lodge of the Independent Order of Odd Fellows (IOOF) has revealed a shocking difference between Masonic and Odd Fellows Lodge meetings. According to the study, Odd Fellows Lodge members are 20-30 times more likely to discuss esoteric and philosophical content than Masonic Lodge members. Furthermore, Odd Fellows members are 53 times more likely, on average, to compose originals research papers dealing with symbolic interpretation and/or esoteric subjects, and debate the merits of those ideas in and out of Lodge.  

The Past Bastard met with Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the Sovereign Grand Lodge of the IOOF, to discuss the study's findings: "What is quite interesting is no so much that IOOF has clearly outpaced Freemasonry as the 'thinking person's fraternity', but moreso why this is the case. It's clear: women. Once IOOF officially accepted women as Odd Fellows, our male members stopped relying on bathroom humor and sexist jokes to move the conversations in Lodge along. That alone made life as an Odd Fellow a lot better. And we know that most female Freemasons can run circles around those 'regular Grand Lodge guys' when it comes to esoterics and philosophy any day. It was the same with us. Our women members elevated our discussions to a whole new level!"

The Past Bastard asked Bro. Snow if admitting women could help curtail the rampant anti-intellectualism that has increasingly characterized Masonic Lodges over the past several decades, Joe seemed doubtful that even extreme measures would have any effect: "Judging by how most of your members act on social media and the increasingly outlandish policies many of your Grand Lodges come up with on a daily basis, I'd say mainstream Freemasonry is a bit too far gone. But hey, if you're ever interested in joining a thinking man's--and women's--fraternity, I hope you'll consider the Odd Fellows!"