Local Tylers to get major upgrades

Phoenix, AZ - In light of recent terrorist threats against Masonic Lodges and the "to carry or not to carry" debates occurring in Masonic Lodges across the country, the Grand Lodge of Arizona has appealed to the US Air Force to upgrade and replace its Lodge Tylers...with armed drones. "We can't be too careful in this day and age," stated Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the Grand Lodge of Arizona, "our tylers are obsolete. They're usually crusty, 80-year old Past Masters and all we give them for protection is a rusty old sword that they're too infirm to lift half the time. This is not a way to protect our brethren from those terrorists who seek to destroy us."

Bro. Snow remarked that the Grand Lodge had yet to receive a response from the USAF, but he remains hopeful that an agreement can be arranged that will provide increased security--both personally and fiscally--to Lodges across the jurisdiction. "If those Customs and Border Patrol types can use drones to protect our borders, I don't see why we can't use the same methods to keep off the terrorist cowans who want to steal our secrets and attack our buildings."

Cowan identified and engaged!

Bro. Snow closed his conversation with The Past Bastard by explaining that the decision to replace Lodge Tylers with autonomous drones might have fiscal benefits as well. "When you think about it, most of our Tylers don't pay dues. Hell, we even pay a handful of them. Replacing them is a logical step toward better Lodge stewardship inside and out. It's a win-win."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

Read More

Grand Lodge Announces "Celebrating the Kraft"

Northfield, IL - Not to be outdone by the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Southern Jurisdiction, which held its annual "Celebrating the Craft" event--a combination telethon and talent show, slapped together with the special effects and charisma of a rerun of the "700 Club"--this past weekend, the Grand Lodge of Illinois has announced its very own annual celebration. Entitled "Celebrating the Kraft," this event reportedly showcases that which truly makes Masonry great--its food. Bro. Joseph Snow, spokesperson for the Grand Lodge of Illinois, spoke to The Past Bastard on this historic undertaking: "We've partnered with the Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to celebrate Freemasonry in our own way. We realize that most Masons really show up because of the food, and Kraft dinners are a staple cuisine served at Blue Lodge and Scottish Rite functions across the state."

"After all," Bro. Snow continued, "Freemasonry's really about coming together to break bread with your brethren, regardless of what those 'observant' types tell you. If we can celebrate the Kraft dinners that bring our brethren together and make a buck or two for charity at the same time, then I'd say we've got something great going!"

The inaugural event is reportedly being planned for early December, to coincide with the founding of the now-defunct Kraft Foods Inc. company back in 1923. "Preparations are already under way!," Bro. Snow continued, "We've partnered with Illustrious Brother Alan Foulds, editor of The Northern Light, on a new book project that will be ready by December, and available exclusively to those who participate in our inaugural 'Celebrating the Kraft' event. Tentatively titled 'Observing the Kraft,' Bro. Foulds will be presenting his best practices for Lodge dinners by cobbling together Kraft Foods recipes from across the country! Remember, if it isn't Kraft, then it's just a distraction."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

Read More

PAID ADVERTISEMENT: What to do with bored Freemasons? Send them to a week at Camp Pike!

PAID ADVERTISEMENT          PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Wives, girlfriends, mothers, and significant others - is your little Freemason bored? Tired of seeing him mope around? Would you like to get him out of your hair for a while?

Send him for a week at CAMP PIKE, the adventure camp for Freemasons!

Located in the scenic Appalachian Hills in Virginia, CAMP PIKE has become the premier summer vacation site for Freemasons of any and every age.

Below is a sample schedule. Your little Freemason will be thrilled to share these Freemason activities with other Freemasons:

Sunday

Arrivals and Sign In 

Cabin Assignments

Free Time: Explore the Camp, and

Meet Your Bunkmates

Dinner

Evening Discussion:  Are Grand Lodges Obsolete?

Monday

Full English Breakfast

Free Time

Group Swim

Lunch Break

Daily Seminar: Craft, Chapter, and Council Degrees

Group Swim

Dinner

Evening Discussion: Clandestine Masons

Bonfire

Tuesday

Full English Breakfast

Choice of Crafts (painting, carving, sculpting)

Lunch Break

Daily Seminar: Scottish Rite Degrees (SMJ)

Exercise (calisthenics or rock climbing)

Dinner

Evening Discussion: membership retention

Bonfire

Wednesday

Full English Breakfast

Nature Hike

Lunch Break

Daily Seminar: Appendant Bodies

Exercise (calisthenics or free weights)

Dinner

Evening Discussion: Youth Groups - Are they worth the trouble?

Bonfire

Thursday:

Full English Breakfast

Crafts: Pottery or Candle Making

Lunch Break

Daily Seminar: AMD & Those Other Weird Degrees

Exercise (calisthenics or free swim)

Dinner: Haggis & Scotch Tasting

Evening Discussion: Open Discussion (No Religion or Politics)

Bonfire & More Scotch Tasting

Friday

Continental Breakfast*

Free Time

Lunch Break

Daily Seminar: Memphis-Misraim & those other degrees COR has locked up

Exercise: Free Swim

Dinner

Evening Discussion: Dues: How and When to Raise Them

Bonfire

Saturday

Full English Breakfast

Pack up for dismissal

Lunch

Final Goodbyes

Bunks are limited, so sign up soon for your week at CAMP PIKE, the premier summer camp for Freemasons! 

PAID ADVERTISEMENT          PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Read More

Grand Lodge California Allows State Pen Lodge U.D.

Avenal, CA- In a move to deliver Masonry to an untapped market, the Grand Lodge of California has granted dispensation to Avenal Prison Lodge U.D. The move comes in the wake of a nearly 5% loss in membership year over year. "In a state where the the prison population eclipses 200,000, we would be foolish not to put our stake down as the premier fraternal organization for correctional officers and prisoners." Duane Canfield, RWDGM. In some jurisdictions, felony convictions do not bar a man from joining the Freemasons. Duane explained "That is left up to the lodges to decide. And besides, we can all think of one or two Masons who should be expelled but who's indiscretions have managed to skirt the public eye. Where's the harm?"

Since granting the dispensation to meet, APL has seen an unprecedented number of petitions and are on track to Raise more than twice the amount of Master Masons as the next closest lodge this year. "I don't much like basketball or lifting weights but I look forward to bringing my single letter key into the yard to brush up on my Senior Deacon's lecture." says inmate Brother James Hall, who’s currently serving 15 years for violating parole and felon possession of a firearm. "I could request an early release on good behavior but the green beans are great and I hope to learn all the lectures so that I can sit for my exam once released." James is currently serving as Junior Deacon in the progressive line of APL and hopes to sit in the East before his sentence is up.

The Grand Lodge of California believes that, in addition to the per capita boost it will receive, it is providing a much needed relief to those working in California State Penitentiary system. Both the guards and inmates relish the opportunity to meet upon the level. "I come to work with a sense of safety knowing that my Brothers are all watching my back." admits Lt. Antonio Caballero. "Handing the gavel to an inmate really teaches us a much needed lesson in humility and subordination." Brother Antonio has donated the entire collection of Manly P. Hall's writings which now comprises the largest of such collections in any penitentiary library the world over.

When asked, do we let just anyone in? the Right Worshipful responded "Of course not! According to the ancient landmarks of the Fraternity, the lunch ladies are not eligible for Masonic membership but we are in discussions with the OES to establish a sister chapter." (Quote) "We believe the next step is establishing an DeMolay in the youth facilities will be beneficial to the Craft." APL is hosting it first Pancake breakfast at the end of the month to raise money to fund the startup of the youth organizations at "CHAD" in the fall.

--Worshipful Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq 49˚

Read More

Grand Lodge of Rhode Island turns to virtual worlds to increase membership

Cranston, RI - Faced with declining memberships and higher costs, the Grand Lodge of Rhode Island has issues that are familiar to many other Grand Lodges across the United States and Canada. However, with only two dozen active lodges, they are hit particularly hard by the drop in resources. But now, after several years of trying various ideas to increase membership, Rhode Island may have come up with the perfect solution. 

"You see, a lot of the younger guys that might be interested in Masonry are doing something else with their time," said WB Mike Teavee, as we sat in his lodge at the outskirts of Cranston. "And for most guys my age, that 'something else' is playing video games. So, with the permission of the Grand Master, I've been recruiting online." 

In Facebook, MySpace, or Google Plus groups?

"Oh, not at all," explained WB Teavee. "We've gone on to the next level for online Freemasonry, by chartering lodges in the various online game universes. We started with Minecraft because, well, I run my own server. We now have a dozen lodges, and the membership is increasing at almost ten times the rate as our real life lodges."


This reporter for The Past Bastard was surprised that they could get enough interest from gamers to attend, but WB Teavee claimed that since many gamers spend hours each night, digging or wandering around (virtually,of course), that it's actually relaxing to spend fifteen or twenty minutes at a lodge meeting once in a while. 

Only fifteen minutes?

"Well, sure, you don't think that we waste a half hour reading the minutes and all that, do you?" WB Teavee explained that they had dispensation to skip the minutes, the opening introductions, and the closing remarks from the DDGMs. "Do you realize how much of a time suck just those three things are? We discovered that an actual lodge meeting, unless you have a degree, is about ten, maybe twenty minutes, tops." 

When we asked if they weren't concerned about other Grand Lodge encroaching on their territory, WB Teavee explained "The virtual world is essentially infinite. And if Minecraft starts to get crowded, we're thinking about setting up some lodges in No Man's Sky," he said. 

Read More