Monday, November 28, 2016

Local Lodge "Black Friday Deal" ends in tragedy

Seaside Heights, NJ - A local lodge's "Black Friday Membership Deal" ended in tragedy last week as several members were rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Seeking to cash in on the success of previous attempts to bolster membership on Black Friday, the officers of Dotage Lodge No. 1943 instituted a special deal on membership dues for those willing to brave the crowds.

Bro. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Dotage Lodge, explained the deal and its impact to The Past Bastard: "We had a great deal lined up for brethren! We told them to meet back at the lodge Friday morning at low twelve, and the first five brethren and first five prospective members through the door would get their dues for next year remitted. We thought it was a great deal, and apparently so did everyone else!"

When The Past Bastard asked about how the deal turned treacherous, Bro. Snow explained: "In a way, we were victims of our own success. Everyone wanted to get in on the deal, including our more 'senior' members who can't drive at night. That caused a couple problems in the lodge parking lot. The biggest problem, however, arose when brethren started lining up. Apparently, tensions began to run high -- as I've heard they do during Black Friday -- and, while no one got trampled or came to blows, several of our older members couldn't take the excitement and collapsed with heart palpitations. We called the ambulance straight away, and I'm pleased to report they're doing fine."

"Luckily for me," he added, "our Secretary is the one who gets to tell the hospitalized brethren that, since they stepped out of line to go to the hospital, they missed out on our deal."

Bro. Snow concluded our interview by stating: "All in all, the deal was a success! We're going to line up something new for Cyber Monday next year. Now all we have to do is teach our older brethren how to use PayPal."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

Monday, November 21, 2016

Grand Lodge of Illinois secretly increases membership numbers. How they manage will astound you.

Joliet, IL -- While other Grand Lodges around the US have been having a difficult time initiating and retaining members, the Grand Lodge of Illinois has actually seen an increase in membership, and it shows no sign of slowing down.

"We've been, quietly, you understand, absorbing lodges from those other, offshoot grand lodges that are popping up all the time," said Steven Wayne Macy, District Deputy in the Chicago area, and director of the re-fraternalization program. "It's great for us, because instead of just one or two candidates at a time, we can get 20 or more in one shot. And we don't even need to waste time with all those degrees, since they've already taken them."

When asked if there weren't issues with bringing in men who were made irregularly, he told us, "Well, first of all, we stopped using the 'C-word' to describe these guys. They took pretty much the same degrees that we did, so in that respect, they are just as regular as you or me. I mean, sure, it's been difficult to introduce them into some of the other lodges, but we've already been giving serious consideration to switching our official work to Duncan's anyway, since there's really not much difference. "

Acknowledging that there have been cultural issues to iron out, RW Macy said "One of the more interesting things that we don't understand, is that they have lodges named after TV characters. Like, we're just finishing up the paperwork on a lodge in the next town that named their lodge after a Sesame Street character. I haven't had a chance to ask them what significance Elmo has, but it's kind of cute."

The Past Bastard asked RW Macy what benefits the incoming members saw. "Oh, it's definitely a win for both of us," he explained. "First, we get new members who come in as Master Masons, so right away they can start paying dues. On their end, our dues are usually a fraction of what these guys were getting charged, so they're happy to be getting what they see as a discount."

Apparently there are other benefits, too. "Those lodges that come over, they have bling like you can't believe. We don't have to worry about supplying them with aprons or jewels, or hats, staffs, or any of that stuff, It's a turnkey operation for us, and for them, the get lowered dues, and membership that will allow them to travel to any other lodge in the US. I mean, some of those jewels have this little key at the bottom of the square, but we're trying to figure out a way to remove them without damaging the rest of the jewel."

Naturally, the re-fraternalization process hasn't been entirely problem free. "Some of the older Past Masters from these lodges are a little miffed that they can't paddle the new guys. We hadn't realized that this was such an important part of their ritual, but we really don't want the threat of a lawsuit; it's already bad enough that once or twice a year we end up with a new Master Mason with a broken rib or something. No point adding to the risk."

RW Macy assured us that despite the handful of minor issues, the re-fraternalization program seemed to be a success. "I mean, I don't know why nobody thought of this before," he said. "We're picking up at least one new lodge every month. I can't believe that the Prince Hall Grand Lodge just let these guys slip through their fingers."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Monday, November 14, 2016

Illuminati switching to progressive line for next election cycle

Washington, D.C. - In the wake of the recent United States presidential election, the Illuminati overlords who are generally in charge of selecting the next leader of the free world have decided to take a different approach for future elections.

"Making it look like a democracy isn't easy," Past Grand Master Rip Tile adds. "Usually, the results of the election don't matter. I mean, think about why we keep the Electoral College around. But this time, we've been bamboozled. None of expected Donald Trump to actually win...and he's on our payroll!"

"So now we're switching to a system that has worked for hundreds of years in masonic lodges, the mechanism known as the 'progressive line'.  A progressive line ensures that our supreme rulers have the qualifications and time in the previous chairs to ensure a smooth transition. Yes, it encourages laziness and promotes nepotism, but what else are we going to do? A popular vote? We almost had a progressive line going with the Bushes in the past, but Jeb just couldn't learn his ritual in time."

PGM Rip Tile informs us that grooming of the officers for the 2020 elections has already begun.  The editors of The Past Bastard have it on good authority that Vermin Supreme has a transition plan, is working on his ritual, and is part of the audit comittee. Be prepared to "vote" for Vermin in the "democratic" "election" in four years.

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

Monday, November 7, 2016

Grand Lodge of Tennessee to roll out new educational program

Gomorrah, TN -- Good news for Masonic scholars and researchers in Tennessee this week, as the Grand Lodge released a list of approved topics for study and discussion.

“We want to encourage the study of all aspects of Freemasonary,” said RWB Gavin Mavity. “So, the Grand Historian, the Grand Orator, and the other Grand Lodge officers got together and wrote up a list of topic categories  that we think are important for Freemasons to learn about.”

We asked why the Grand Lodge thought that there was a need to publish a study list.

“Well, we know that there’s a lot of nonsense and such about Freemasonary, so we decided that it would be helpful to give our members some guidance so that they didn’t study the wrong sorts of things,” said RWB Mavity.

Our preview of the list included items such as:

  • Anything George Washington related
  • Masonic aprons in America
  • Masonic ring design
  • Freemasonry in the Colonial era
  • Freemasonry in the Civil War era
  • Albert Pike
  • Famous Masons in US history
  • Famous Masonic actors
  • Red Skelton’s “Pledge of Allegiance”
  • John Glenn: First Freemason on the Moon
  • Albert Pike

When asked why the list was so short, WB Mavity responded, “Well, first of all, we don’t want to have our members study the wrong kinds of things. That’s how you end up with those egghead types, and the next thing you know we’ll have that whole Traditional Observance thing happening here.”
Brother Red Skelton's "Pledge of Allegiance" is one
of the most popular study topics in lodges.

But won’t the members get bored with such a short topic list?

“Well, whenever I’ve been to a lodge meeting and they have somebody presenting some kind of Masonic topic, it’s almost always something interesting like aprons, rings, George Washington, or Freemasonry in history, like around the Civil War,” he said. “We figured that those must be the most interesting topics to Masons, since they come up so often. No point in having the members study things that nobody’s heard about, is there?”

The list will be available this week to the lodges around the state by the end of the week.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro