Monday, April 25, 2016

Local Lodges Encouraged to Recruit BernieBros

Hackensack, NJ -- The United States Chamber of Freemasonry, a non-profit Masonic research group based in Washington, D.C., has released a report encouraging local lodges to recruit Bernie Sanders supporters, the so-called “BernieBros.” The report notes that Bernie Sanders supporters have a great affinity for older, out of touch men, a strongly held belief that an imagined, unlived past was better than today, and an almost unmatched desire to spend money without any expectations to receive anything realistic in return.

"When a demographic like this makes so much noise, we just can’t ignore it, no matter how hard we have tried,” stated Samuel Adamson, “We are certainly aware that they [BernieBros] are avowed socialists but we can't deny their age and ability to spend hundreds of dollars on something they will get virtually nothing out of in return. Imagine how stupendous our buildings can become if we redirect that money to us. In addition, Senator Sanders uses the exact same speech at every rally to the point that his supporters can quote it verbatim, which seems to suggest their ability to memorize our work with ease. Most importantly, however, they are obsessed with an imaginary past, completely devoid of any historical accuracy, just like most Freemasons. They are the future of the Fraternity." 

The US Chamber of Freemasonry, although very supportive of BernieBros, also noted its intention to recruit Trump supporters.

"Sadly, like the Ron Paul train before it, the Bernie Sanders one is rapidly running out of steam but we think the Trump one still has a lot more track to run. The amount of revenue we can produce off of their desire to donate is unmatched. They are angry and annoyed and say extremely inappropriate things; in essence, they are past masters."  
The US Chamber has made available a kit for lodges which will include a new 1980s era "Make America Great Again" ballcap to replace the top hat, a copy of the Art of the Deal, to be placed on the altar, and a pet sparrow for the Master’s podium. The US Chamber of Freemasonry has also encouraged, in lieu of complex marketing schemes and focus groups, to instead use one of two hashtag campaigns, #MakeFreemasonryGreatAgain and #SandersIsMyGAOTU.

When asked why Hillary and Kasich supporters were not also included, Adamson responded, “Clinton and Kasich supporters tend to be pragmatists and realists. That would just not fit in our model of overhyping an average, or below average, product. That’s just not Freemasonry as we know it.”

- The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

Monday, April 18, 2016

Pennsylvania Lodge to offer different styled communications

Altoona, PA -- In an effort to appeal to the younger demographics, several lodges around Pennsylvania will be offering different types of stated communications.

“We got the idea from some of the local churches that offer different worship times. You know, classic services at 8, contemporary services at 10, stuff like that,” said WB John Wayne Gracey, the master of Corinthian Lodge No 274. “So we decided that we would have a traditional communication at 6:30 for the older guys, and a more contemporary style communication at 7:30. You know, like casual dress, short form open and closing, and light music during the business portion.”

While the membership at first seemed hesitant to embrace the changes, after a few months they started to see a definite difference in the meetings.

“We had the older guys going to the traditional meetings, and they were happy to get out earlier. The contemporary meetings drew the guys with kids at home, who were able to pop out after dinner.”

The different services… communications became so popular that Corinthian Lodge began offering a later communication, aimed at Millennials.

“Yeah, the Millennial communication was more for the 20 and 30 year old guys who prefer the later hours. We don’t read minutes at that meeting, we broadcast them to their mobile devices. Also, the opening and closing are done on a big screen TV that we set up on the north wall. They do most of the business while texting, and after the meeting closes, we head downstairs for snacks and stuff.”

WB Gracey noted that the Millennial communication, while popular with the younger guys, also had a few of the older guys who frequently showed up.

“Yeah, it’s surprising that so many of the older guys were early adopters of much of the technology that we see now. Except that they aren’t quite as quick when using those flip phones,” he said. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

Noted Masonic author to start new book/TV project

Indianapolis, IN -- Chris Hodapp, author of a popular “Dummies” book for Freemasons, announced that he is starting a new book project, and that he is expecting it to become a History Channel TV series. Called “The Temple of Doom,” it will feature stories on Masonic Temples around the United States and Canada that have closed, or are on the brink of closing.

“I mean, it was a natural spin-off from my blog, since a large percentage of my posts are about the temples that are closing in the cities all across the country,” he explained. “I mean, whenever I post something about how the Detroit Temple is in trouble, or the Memphis Temple is closing, or the Little Rock Temple is selling to Walmart, those end up being my top rated posts. I mean, I figured if that’s the kind of thing that Masons love to read about, then why not just stop what I’m doing and focus on the kind of thing that sells books?”

Hodapp, the ninth most popular Masonic author in the US, said that he can’t give out too many details because he is in negotiations with The History Channel to turn the blog posts and book into a series.

“I mean, I can’t tell you all the details, but I can tell you that my idea is to feature one temple a week. It won’t be just the big, city temples, but we’ll do some of the smaller town ones, too. Shots of the town, historical archives, old pictures, things like that. We get lots of Masons who love that kind of thing, you know?”

We asked Hodapp if he would get into any detail as to why those old buildings were shutting down.

“Naw, nobody is really interested in that kind of thing,” he said. “Dues haven’t increased in a couple of generations, and the membership is down, but we all know that any attempt to raise dues five or ten bucks will get all the old members out of retirement to vote it down. That’s something that seems to be the same, no matter what size temple you have.”

- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Monday, April 4, 2016

Knights Templar Responds to Rumors that Emblems will be Banned in Cities Across the US

Asbury Park, NJ -- GEKT, the body that oversees the Masonic Knights Templar in the US, Canada, and the rest of the Western Hemisphere, has been responding to rumors that they have been asked to begin informing commanderies in major US cities that they will no longer be allowed to have public displays of regalia.

“We have been hearing that we'll have to scale back on our displays of public and community presence, so as not to offend the members of the growing Muslim communities,” said Past Grand Commander Bruce Springfield. “The increasing numbers of Islamicists are offended because they remember how we Knights trounced their butts back in ‘87,” he explained, referring to the 1187 conquest of the city of Jerusalem, for which they were ultimately unsuccessful in holding.

chick-fezB.gifPast Grand Commander Dusty Rhodes was less reserved. “It’s an outrage, is what it is. We -- the Knights Templar -- have been successfully defending Christianity and America since the Crusades, and what our treasonous, Muslim-controlled government wants to do is to muzzle us, that’s what. Once we’re no longer able to defend the faith and protect the faithful, then the Saracens will just walk right over us. Our blood will run in the streets, and those savages will dip the tassels of their fezzes in it and whip them around, just like in that comic book.”  

Neither PGCs Rhodes or Springfield were able to confirm where or how the rumors originated, but suggested that the New York Times had something to do with it.

Grand Commanders of other Commanderies around the US appear to be non-plussed by the rumors. “We don’t really pay any attention to anything that comes out of the northeast, anyway,” said Past Grand Commander Robert Sinatra. “Those guys are always complaining about something, but unless it comes out of Colorado, then we can usually safely ignore them. We'll have as many public and community displays as we have always done.”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro