Thursday, August 29, 2019

PAST MASTERS DISAPPOINTED THAT NEW MEMBERS HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers have accidentally locked themselves into sensory deprivation tanks.
We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they return. -- the unpaid interns)

Santo Alberto, CA -- After a number of initiatives to attract younger, new members, the lodges around Central California are beginning to see some results. Men in their 30s are beginning to join the lodges in small, but increasing numbers. This has led, however, to some unforeseen issues in many lodges.

Members of Temperance Lodge No. 9744 don't understand
how to handle newer members with ideas. 
“These new kids are driving us nuts,” complained WB Ron McArnold of Temperance Lodge No. 9744.  “All they do is talk about stuff. They talk about Freemasonry. They talk about fellowship. They talk about all sorts of ideas. We can’t keep up, anymore.”

Indeed, that has been among the biggest complaints coming back up the hierarchy to the Grand Lodge officers: the new members are obsessed with Freemasonry, and their constant stream of ideas are getting on the nerves of the older, more established members.

“They’re constantly asking if they can try some new thing. One week it’s emailing the newsletters. Another week it’s having guest speakers in lodge. Another week it’s getting a blood drive at the lodge,” agreed WB Juan Flavian. “It’s crazy. I don’t understand why they can’t just sit there and just do things like we’ve always done them. What was the Grand Lodge thinking when they started trying to get all these new guys in here, anyway?”

The Grand Lodge of California has not responded to inquiries about these issues.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

PAST MASTERS DISAPPOINTED THAT NEW MASONS LACK KNOWLEDGE OF FREEMASONRY (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers have not paid their cable/internet bill, and have been shut off. 
We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they return. -- the unpaid interns)


Watsumi, FL -- After enacting a number of initiatives to attract younger new members, the lodges around Central Florida are beginning to see results. Men in their 30s are beginning to join the lodges in small, but increasing numbers. This has led, however, to some unforeseen issues in many lodges. 
 
old-teaching-young.jpg
Older Masons are frustrated that new members don't understand
Freemasonry, and lack the resources to teach them.
“Yeah, we’re getting all these new members, and all, and the Grand Lodge said that we should take the time to get to know them, and to see of they have any ideas on how to improve the fraternity,” said WB Pat Vigoda of Citrus Lodge No. 588. “But so far, all these young guys have hardly said ‘Boo’ in lodge. All they do is keep asking us questions.” 
 
Indeed, that has been among the biggest complaints coming back up the hierarchy to the Grand Lodge officers: the new members don’t know anything about Freemasonry, and end up having very little to offer the Craft.  
 
“You know, it wouldn’t be so bad if they just sat there and kept quiet, and all,” explained WB Bob O’Reilly of Sunlight Lodge No. 842. “But they’re so green that it’s a drain on our resources. They keep asking questions about Masonry, and we need to have all these guys available to teach them stuff. What was the Grand Lodge thinking when they tried advertising to get them in here?”
 
The Grand Lodge of Florida has declined to comment on plans to remedy the situation. 
 

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

REPORT: USAGE OF NOSTALGIA OUTSTRIPPING SUPPLY (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers are currently undergoing OSHA training for unsafe work practices. 
We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they return. -- the unpaid interns)


Arlington, VA -- The Federal Department of Fraternal Societies has just released a status report, noting that the demand and usage for nostalgia has been increasing faster than the availability.

FDFS Chief, WB Chris Anderson gave The Past Bastard a statement.
“While it’s typical to see members of fraternities and other organizations going through older books and articles for inspiration -- we call it ‘mining’ -- the fact is that in the last decade we’ve seen such an increase of authors doing this that in another eight to ten years, there may not be anything left to mine.”

When we asked if he had any explanation for the upswing in demand, WB Anderson offered his opinion.
“I blame the internet,” he said jokingly. “Not the internet itself, but twenty years ago, it was difficult to mine and spread nostalgia except through print. Masons, in particular, passed around bit of Al Pike or Carl Claudy through those little MSA pamphlets, copied on ditto machines, or later, on office copiers. When email became more freely available, so did the spread of quotes and paragraphs bemoaning the loss of how things were in ‘the old days,’ but there was so much Masonic nostalgia built up over the years, that the supply was never in danger.”

The problem surfaced when blogging became popular,” he continued. “Literally hundreds of Masons were blogging passages from Pike, quotes from Claudy, meanderings from Mackey, and pretty much any other old Freemason they could find. The nostalgia supply began dwindling, but we expected older Masons to be replenishing the supply. Unfortunately, there aren’t any current authors who write their own original ideas anymore.”

WB Anderson cited the FDFS report, saying “The number of brothers passing maudlin bits of nostalgia along on Facebook isn’t helping. True, most of them are very short snippets because Freemasons don’t read as much as they used to. But the sheer number of them doing so means that whatever nostalgia is left will be used up by the next decade, after which we’ll be be forced to endlessly recycle ‘The Old Tyler Talks,’ or ‘Red Skelton’s Pledge of Allegiance’ until the next generation begins to mine old blogs for material.”
-- Conte Calvino Gliostr

Monday, August 5, 2019

MOVPER IS ON THE MOVE; GROTTO REBRANDS "POOR MAN'S SHRINE" IMAGE (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers are currently being sued for unpaid Mexican hospital bills, and have decided to stay off social media for a short time. We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they get back. -- the unpaid interns.)

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 
All the Fez and none of the BS


“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”


White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.


“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”


When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro