Monday, September 6, 2021

Grand Encampment Announces Sweeping KT Uniform Updates

 Crowheart, WY -- Earlier this week, the Grand Encampment of Knights Templar of the U.S.A. issued an edict to reverse the recent approval of so-called "templar aprons" displaying the memento mori and skull and bones in favor of a uniform update of the Most Eminent Grand Master's own design. SK Joe Snow, spokeperson for the Grand Encampment, announced the news: "Given the ME Grand Master Bike Mohnson's stance that 'every Christian Mason should be a Knight Templar', he felt it was pertinent to give the the KT an option for a streamlined uniform the better encapsulates our relationship with Christ, the blameless white lamb. To that end, I am announcing a new uniform for KT everywhere which the ME Grand Master personally plans to enact immediately. Minimalist in style, the new uniform is blazing white cloth, emblematical of Christ's perfect sacrifice. It also has the benefits of being super-absorbent and easy on the wallet. Its name is 'Prevail,' which is what the ME Grand Master will do in the face of his opponents. As the ME Grand Master often says: 'While I may often forget how to think and act like a rational human being, I never forget loyalty.'"

Not all members of the Grand Encampment are thrilled with the ME Grand Master's latest sartorial decision. Several state-level Grand Commanderies have signaled the desire to form a Special Conclave to review the ME Grand Master's decision and possibly remove him from office. When asked what the ME Grand Master thought about this turn of events, SK Snow simply replied "The Most Eminent Grand Master is not concerned with the antics of 'doo-doo heads'."

While the Most Eminent Grand Master's recent actions leave The Past Bastard concerned about the future viability of the GEKT, there is perhaps one thing everyone can agree on: Adult diapers--still better than a chapeau.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Impending Solar Storm Keeping Freemasons From Attending Lodge

 Niagara Falls, NY -- While scientists and technical crews are bracing for a potential solar flare to hit the planet this week, Masonic Lodges around North America and even Canada have reported that member attendance is at an all time low. 

"It's crazy. I mean, we usually at least have enough guys to open, but only two of us showed tonight.," said WB Nick Tesla from Aurora Lodge. "And Charlie Sprockets, from Ionic Lodge over in Shelbyville called me to say that not even the master showed up. Can you believe that?"

WB Tom Steinmetz from Corona Lodge could believe it. "We had a degree scheduled, and no less than fourteen guys called in at the last minute to say that they couldn't make it tonight," he told The Past Bastard. "I 've heard the same thing has been happening all week to other lodges, but nobody seems to know why."

It seemed that the impending internet outages made quite a few brothers hesitate to attend lodge this week. The Past Bastard has received reports of new recruits and even higher ranking officers (in fact, mostly higher ranking officers) who decided to stay home if they were faced with lack of internet access. 

The Past Bastard contacted RW Jim Westinghouse, WB Graham Faraday, and WB Ed Franklin, who all asked to remain anonymous. All had reported missing, or planning to miss their lodge meetings this week. 

"I really was going to go to that meeting tonight, but I heard that the sun did this thing, like a gas ball or something, and that it was headed toward Earth," one anonymous person told The Past Bastard. "Not that I'm afraid of sun gas, but they said that it was going to shut down the internet. I mean, how would I check my email during the meeting?"

Several explosive events have occurred on the Sun this week, with each sending different kinds of Coronal Mass Ejections towards Earth. In the last 48 hours, the aurora has been spotted in southern Alaska and across New York, Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine

The National Weather Service’s Space Weather Prediction Center (SWPC) is warning that a G2 class Geomagnetic Storm could impact Earth on Thursday, perhaps impacting electrical grids and transformers, interfering with satellites, disrupting radio communications, and sending the Northern Lights much more south than usual.

Another anonymous user also told The Past Bastard that he was concerned about the solar flare. "I honestly didn't want to be sitting there at a lodge meeting with nothing to do," he said.