LOCAL COMMANDERY BLACKBALLS JESUS OF NAZARETH; CITES CHRISTIAN ONLY RULE

The Past Bastard has been busy with those stupid year end lodge activities that we can't foist off on our interns: elections, installations, parties, hangovers, and holiday shopping. Not necessarily in that order.

We will be back to publishing actual content after the New Year. In the meanwhile, here's some holiday themed posts to keep you entertained.

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Ash Grove, OH - Ash Grove Commandery No. 65 of Ash Grove, Ohio rejected the petition of of Jesus of Nazareth, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, citing the rule that a petitioner be a "firm believer in the Christian Religion."

“We really wanted our dear Lord, the Redeemer of the World, to have been able to join us, but he is Jewish,“ said Eminent Commander Jim Sampson, “The petition form is clear. A petitioner must be a ‘firm believer in the Christian Religion.’ That comes right from Section 177 of the Grand Encampment’s Constitution. That would have to be changed at the Triennial. We just can’t do anything about it.”
 

“I’d love to sit in lodge with my Savior. I pray to Him each day, the day He has made for me. In fact, I would love to be in any Masonic body with Him,” Sampson continued. “Commandery is different. And let’s face, He, being Jewish, probably wouldn’t get much out of it.”
 

The Word Made Flesh, who continues to serve as a High Priest of Heaven and Earth, did not wish to comment on Ash Grove Commandery’s decision to exclude the Lamb of God from its membership. His spokesperson, Pastor Jim Neville, local minister of Ash Grove Presbyterian Church and Sir Knight, declared, “this is outrageous! They do realize why we are even Sir Knights, right? What’s next? We just stop talking about him altogether?”
 

“I know that my Lord and Savior is disappointed in not being allowed to join our work, “ Sampson continued, “but the rule is the rule. He’s more than welcome to attend the public Christmas Observance; it’s his birthday after all.

-- RF

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Santa Claus won’t be coming to this Masonic Lodge in Southern California, but it’s not for the reason you might think.

The Past Bastard has been busy with those stupid year end lodge activities that we can't foist off on our interns: elections, installations, parties, hangovers, and holiday shopping. Not necessarily in that order.

We will be back to publishing actual content after the New Year. In the meanwhile, here's some holiday themed posts to keep you entertained.

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Santa Monica, CA -- Members of Crossfit Lodge No. 787 -- one of the newest “affinity” or special interest lodges that have been springing up around the state -- have a most unique problem that has cropped up this holiday season. They don’t have any members who can play a convincing Santa Claus for the upcoming children’s Christmas party.

Formed last year as a special interest lodge in which the members are typically dedicated “primal fitness” aficionados, the lodge meets in a “box” (the Crossfit® term for their indoor gym) that doubles as their workout space. Worshipful Master John “Jack” LaLane presides from a weight lifting cage, and the Wardens (Senior and Junior “Spotters”) assist while seated on a rowing machine, and an L-sit station, respectively. Members push a bench press station to the center of the box for their altar, and during the meeting, sit on the supply of truck tires strewn about the room. Festive boards and libations generally consist of Clif bars, Gatorade, and Muscle Milk.

When asked about membership, WB LaLane told us that the members are charged $49.99, payable monthly, and billed to their credit cards. “We started with about a dozen guys last year,” he told us, “but we’ve almost doubled in size already.” He paused, “That is, we’ve got twice the membership. Size-wise, we’re actually down an average of 8 pounds per person.” When asked about how new members are brought in, he winked, “We usually have them hooked up to the seated cable machine. You know, because of the cable *rows,* get it?”

“Our biggest problem is that we decided to have a Christmas party for the kids of the members, and we realized that nobody here could play a convincing Santa Claus,”  WB LaLane told The Past Bastard. “It’s crazy, right?” he said  “I mean, every lodge has a cadre of old, fat, bearded guys who could play Santa at the drop of a hat. But our lodge so far only has younger, fit guys. We don’t know what to do.”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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