Monday, November 13, 2017

Local Masonic Lodge 'Steals Away' Elks Lodge Secretary


DAYTON, OH—In a surprising move, Dayton Lodge No. 167 has now elected the longtime secretary of Elks Lodge No. 76.

"We can not be happier," Worshipful Master Rod Fordham said. "We got Brother Plackett through the degrees as fast as possible. Anyone who has dealt with finding a good secretary knows you need someone with talent, patience, and above all, longevity. I know the Elks are furious with us but we did offer something more."

"I cannot believe those damn Masons," Elks President George Kiwolski fumed. "I've been a member of both for decades and I thought we were square. The Masons had their silly costumes and the Elks had their lunch specials. But no, they go and do this. Plackett was the best secretary we've had in decades. I'm so mad, I even quit the Masons."

Kiwolski continued, "I mean, you'd think the Masons would learn how to share. We already perform the same programming. Both organizations give out scholarships, both organizations have fish frys, and both organizations have American flags in their respective lodge rooms. We both have ritual that, even though we have competitions to show which lodge is more proficient, we really don't take all that seriously. You'd think that would mean something."

Fordham seemed undeterred, "how could you not want to join us? We have better ritual and a beautiful Scottish Rite Temple with its own office. Any secretary on the planet would love to work here. If the Elks want to compete, they'll just have to find a way to be more relevant."

"Ultimately, we did what we had to do because no one else wanted to do the job. Margaret had the best qualifications for the job and we are lucky to have her."

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Local Brother Denied Masonic Wedding Cake


DODGE CITY, KS – Local Freemason Kevin Leavens has found himself entirely without a Masonic Wedding cake after having been denied by yet another local bakery. 
“It just seems unfair,” bemoaned a visibly troubled Leavens. “I mean, I spend thousands of dollars on local businesses and to be denied something because of the Fraternity I love is hurtful. My wife will be so disappointed that I was unable to get the cake for our Masonic Wedding. I feel, well, discriminated against. Why should being a Mason prevent me from enjoying my special day with my future bride.”
A Masonic wedding is a ceremony performed by a lodge to renew its commitment to the new couple. Many countries perform these weddings, which are becoming more frequently performed in the United States. 
“I feel really bad for Kev. He’s a good guy,” said local baker Pamela Berlow. “I didn’t want to say no to him but his fiancée called me before he even got here. She said a lot of things on the phone, ‘don’t you dare bake a cake for another stupid Masonic event,’ ‘It’s not my damn club—why does he always have to drag me into this crap,’ ‘Seriously, it’s like he loves that men’s club more than he loves me.’ You know, stuff like that. I’ll respect the bride but I could tell Kev felt terrible. I didn’t have the heart to tell him.”
As of late, all bakeries in Dodge City have refused to bake a Masonic wedding cake. 
“At least I know that even though these local bakeries may discriminate me based on the Fraternity I love, I can still wear my apron over my kilt during the wedding," said Leavens. "And when we start having kids. She and I can head to the Valley to have the kids receive a Masonic baptism. She’ll just love it.”

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°