Monday, November 30, 2015

MOVPER is on the MOVE; Grotto Rebrands "Poor Man's Shrine" Image

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 
All the Fez and none of the BS

“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”

White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.

“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”

When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Lodge Creates "Black(ball) Friday" Deal to Kickstart Membership Drive

Coxsackie, NY - Divested Lodge No. 7 has taken an entrepreneurial approach to membership by offering a unique deal during the upcoming shopping holiday season. Black Friday is typically known as a nationwide phenomenon that spikes sales and unofficially kick-starts the winter shopping season, but the brethren of Divested Lodge hope that it'll kick-start their membership numbers instead.

Brother Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Divested Lodge explained this amazing deal to The Past Bastard in between attempts to shove petitions our hands: "We've got a great deal going on here! We've dubbed this 'Black(ball) Friday! Today only, prospective members get 50% off their petition  and degree fees! But that's not all! It's also a day of redemption. If you have been blackballed in the past, you get a second chance with an automatic re-vote! Prospective brethren will want to act fast as the first 20 petitioners get a free lapel pin!" By Thursday morning, potential candidates had already lined up outside of the lodge with lawn chairs and sleeping bags in hopes of being the first to take advantage of Divested Lodge's "best offer of the year."

When asked how his lodge might handle the degree work and mentoring needs of the potential surge in candidates for Freemasonry, Wor. Snow explained that he had everything worked out: "If this 'Black(ball) Friday' event is as successful as we're hoping it'll be, our lodge officers needn't worry about investing time and energy in all of the candidates; we'll simply put them through the one-day conferral in January. They can learn everything else they need to know when we put them into the officer line."

In order to take advantage of this deal, you must act fast. Doorbuster prices are only available from 9AM to 11AM this Friday so remember to knock 3 times for SAVINGS!

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

Monday, November 23, 2015

Netflix Inks Exclusive Deal With Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction

Lexington, MA - Surrounded by ranking members of the Supreme Council of the Scottish Rite, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, Netflix’s CEO Reed Hastings excitedly announced his company’s acquisition of the exclusive streaming rights to the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction's entire video degree collection. “This is a great day for Netflix and an outstanding day for Scottish Rite Freemasonry!” Hastings said to a crowd of Scottish Rite brothers in Lexington, Massachusetts. 
“With this partnership, we can bring NMJ to the forefront of technology. The NMJ’s content is solid. Degrees about WWII Chaplains and singing woodsmen? Amazing. We have so much to work with here."The NMJ, which has suffered from declining DVD sales for years, is hoping to see a boost in profit per petition going forward with this partnership. 

“It’s really a win-win,” said AASR-NMJ spokesperson Gail Stevenson in an exclusive interview with The Past Bastard. “We can leverage our position as one of the largest Scottish Rite presences in the world and Netflix now has a way to really broach the hard to reach aged 55-75 demographic that they just haven’t penetrated yet. 'Longmire' just isn't doing it for them.”
A large part of this deal hinged upon giving Netflix the exclusive right to produce new content using the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction's existing catalog of video degrees. Netflix has since announced that the first of these original programs will be a reimagining of the 31st degree, with the new title, “Bro. Red Skelton’s Ode to the Pledge.”

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Grand Master Combats Membership Decline with Edict Banning Creativity

Fargo, ND--Most Worshipful Joe Snow, Grand Master of North Dakota, has issued an edict banning creativity and innovation in lodges across the grand jurisdiction, reportedly to combat a decades' long decline in Masonic membership. Among other items, the edict cites tradition as a supreme fraternal unifying force and mandates that tradition be adhered to in its entirety.

In speaking to The Past Bastard, MW Snow stated: "We've got a real problem here in Masonry. If we don't do something about declining membership, we're gonna die out. Back in the 40's when I first became a Mason, we practically couldn't keep up with all the petitions coming through our doors--and our lodge didn't even have a telephone! Much less this social media stuff." MW Snow continued, "...if we're going to return to the glory days of Masonry--especially as it was during my year as Master in 1952--we need to get back to our roots. No more of this internet nonsense. No more hokey philosophy-centric educational programs. Only when we've truly embraced our tradition of spaghetti dinners and good old boy networks will we return to our golden age as a fraternity."

When questioned on the sustainability of his policies, MW Snow seemed certain they would endure: "Of course this edict is going to endure! I've received written statements of support from each of my Grand Line officers that they'll continue it after my year." When asked about the prospect of bringing a younger demographic into the Grand Line, MW Snow scoffed: "Give 'em 20-30 years. Then they'll be ready. That is, if they've had their turn as a district-wide officer by then."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Breaking News! Knights Templar Take "War on Christmas" to Starbucks; Vow Boycott

Bone Gap, IL -- The Grand Encampment of the Knights Templar, which heads all of the York Rite bodies in the US and Canada, announced this morning that they are promoting a national boycott of the Starbucks as a result of the coffee chain failing to supply a traditional Christmas-themed coffee cup.

“It’s an insult to Americans everywhere,” said GEKT spokesperson David Goldstein. “Starbucks declared war on Christmas, and a war on Christmas means a war on Christians. The Knights Templar are the Masonic soldiers of Christ, and we will do whatever we can to defend the Christian faith.”

Goldstein went on to say that the most important thing was to order all Knights, and their subordinate Council and Chapter bodies, to stop buying Starbucks coffee. Knowing that this would be a difficult deprivation, Fellow Knight Jon Chung came up with a plan. “Look, we’re only human,” he said. “Giving up coffee completely is ridiculous. But we taste-tested the coffees at a number of other chains, and we’re going to give our recommendations to the American Commanderies around the US and Canada. There are lots of other chains that have good coffee.”

Knights will be directed to buy their coffee from Tim Hortons, Dunkin Donuts, and surprisingly, McDonalds. “There are two reasons for this,” explained strategist Amar Singh. “First, McDonald’s actually has good coffee, according to the various blind taste tests that we’ve had. But there’s also the fact that they sell it under the Golden Arches, which ties into our Royal Arch Degree. I’m sure that all Sir Knights can get behind that idea.” He paused for a moment and added, “Plus, there’s the extra bonus that a medium coffee at McDonald’s is still only a dollar. Since most of our brothers are a bit tight, that may end up being the biggest reason of all.”

--Conte Calvino Gliostro

Monday, November 16, 2015

Famed Author David Icke to Sponsor Reptilian Masonic Charity

Isle of Wight, UK--Famed author and conspiracy theorist David Icke who has written several books on the hidden agenda of the world's elite and lectures on the Reptilian Alien Agenda announced last week on "The Blaze" that he would be hosting the first ever Reptilian Overlords Charity Ball.

Years of making claims of the Reptilians' "Masonic" agenda and exposing the world for what it really is, Icke has finally announced that "...When the Reptilians arrive, it will be because they need a new world; they will be impoverished, and that means they will need our assistance." David has held a long stance against the Masonic Reptilian agenda but says he just can't stand by when he knows someone might need help.

Years ago, Icke announced on the telly that he was Jesus Christ but has since forgotten that it ever happened. He cites that it may have been "Reptilian Mind Control" which made him act the way he did. Icke who has been mostly dormant for the last few years hopes that the charity ball will be held in the UGLE and that Reptilians from around the world, who are already living amongst us, will attend.

Menu items will include human blood, goats, and other Reptilian delicacies as well as pancakes for all the Masons sure to attend the event. Fundraising efforts will be facilitated through direct donations in the form of checks payable directly to David Icke or prospective donors can support the Reptilian Agenda by buying a T-Shirt on Teespring.

The UGLE has refused to comment on the event, but several keynote speakers are scheduled to appear. Among Icke, Alex Jones is said to be scheduled for an appearance and a talk about the New World Order, but only if they can guarantee him a 72 oz steak and a case of PBR. Jim Marrs, former newspaper journalist, will also be there promoting his new book, "Aliens, Freemasons, and my Awesome Beard".

This is one conference /  charity ball I won't be missing. Chaz Nagler....out.

-Dr. Worshipful Chaz Nagler 49˚

Friday, November 13, 2015

Breaking News! Anonymous Puts Shrine in Crosshairs; Announces Plans to Release Clown Unit Member Information Nationwide

Tampa, FL--On Friday, the self-proclaimed "hacktivist" group known as Anonymous announced its intention to release the personal information of Shriners International Clown Unit members across the country. In a press release uploaded to YouTube, Anonymous directly addressed Shriners International, stating: "We have followed your Clown Units for years. We have watched you men put on makeup, wear ragged clothing, and proceed to scare children and adults alike throughout the United States. Clowns are the stuff of nightmares. You are the stuff of nightmares. This will not stand. The world deserves to know your names."

Noble Joe Snow, head of the Clown Unit at Durka Durka Shrine Temple in downtown Tampa, expressed his dismay: "I just don't understand it. Sure, we know the kids don't actually like the clowns. Actually, they run away screaming more often than not. But we've always had the clown unit. We can't break from tradition for anyone, no matter what the threat."

Anonymous failed to disclose when the group would release their treasure trove of information, but one thing is for certain: Anonymous and the Shrine can both agree that the situation most certainly isn’t funny.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Local Commandery Blackballs Jesus of Nazareth; Cites Christian Only Rule

Ash Grove, OH - Ash Grove Commandery No. 65 of Ash Grove, Ohio rejected the petition of of Jesus of Nazareth, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, citing the rule that a petitioner be a "firm believer in the Christian Religion."

“We really wanted our dear Lord, the Redeemer of the World, to have been able to join us, but he is Jewish,“ said Eminent Commander Jim Sampson, “The petition form is clear. A petitioner must be a ‘firm believer in the Christian Religion.’ That comes right from Section 177 of the Grand Encampment’s Constitution. That would have to be changed at the Triennial. We just can’t do anything about it.”
“I’d love to sit in lodge with my Savior. I pray to Him each day, the day He has made for me. In fact, I would love to be in any Masonic body with Him,” Sampson continued. “Commandery is different. And let’s face, He, being Jewish, probably wouldn’t get much out of it.”
The Word Made Flesh, who continues to serve as a High Priest of Heaven and Earth, did not wish to comment on Ash Grove Commandery’s decision to exclude the Lamb of God from its membership. His spokesperson, Pastor Jim Neville, local minister of Ash Grove Presbyterian Church and Sir Knight, declared, “this is outrageous! They do realize why we are even Sir Knights, right? What’s next? We just stop talking about him altogether?”
“I know that my Lord and Savior is disappointed in not being allowed to join our work, “ Sampson continued, “but the rule is the rule. He’s more than welcome to attend the public Christmas Observance; it’s his birthday after all.

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

Monday, November 9, 2015

Masonic Alien Implants Interfere with Critical Thinking Skills

Denver, CO--New research at Denver International Airport Medical Laboratories has shown indications that the alien-technology implants given to new Master Masons may interfere with the area of the brain that is used for critical thinking skills. The accidental discovery was made only in recent weeks, despite the evidence that was readily available in the mandatory census charts required by every major Grand Lodge.

The process remains a mystery, although some preliminary investigation suggests that the implants - donated decades ago by the Zeta Reticulans as a gesture of peace - may interfere with the electrical signals in that area of the brain, resulting in atrophied use of those synapses.

The discovery has also led to questioning the atrophy in the area of the brain that controls the sense of humor in Past Masters, District Officers, and Grand Lodge Officers. Masonic historians, however, have pointed out that records going back several centuries indicate that the sense of humor often atrophies in Past Masters, and that the phenomena predates the use of implants.

-Bro. Conte Galvino Gliostro

Thursday, November 5, 2015

"Special" Pancakes Bring in Record Donations at Colorado Lodge

Climax, CO--Phoenix Lodge #167 broke donation records this past weekend after word got out that they would be serving "special" pancakes at their upcoming Saturday morning pancake breakfast fundraiser. As of 7:00AM Saturday, a line of hungry Coloradoans eager to sample the lodge's culinary wares stretched around the block. Many patrons sported bloodshot eyes, most likely from getting up early, The Past Bastard concludes.

The lodge enjoyed resounding success that continued on throughout the morning, especially due to repeat customers who couldn't get enough of the fellowship and atmosphere. A few newcomers even expressed great interest in seeing the Lodge's "blazing" star in the Lodge room. When asked what makes Phoenix Lodge's pancakes so irresistible, Senior Steward Jay Highly bluntly stated, "it's a Masonic secret."  

Similar fundraising successes have been reported in lodges holden under the Grand Lodge of Washington D.C., but rarely in other jurisdictions. While Phoenix Lodge succeeded in raising enough money to finance its new organic greenhouse, opening up the lodge to the public resulted in a missing pot of incense. Notwithstanding, The Past Bastard hopes other lodges throughout the country adopt the lessons learned by these "highly successful" Masonic fundraising entrepreneurs.

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Breaking News! Overnight Masonic Satire Sensation Inspires Copycat Antics; Masonry is Doomed

Tampa, FL--The Past Bastard has received breaking news that the overnight Masonic news satire sensation (that'd be us) has officially inspired others to take up the front lines of the fight against all Masons who simply take themselves, and others, way too seriously. "Coach" John Nagy, Masonic author, social media guru, and The Past Bastard satire enthusiast has released his own article entitled "Membership Decline Linked to Climate Change" on his blog Building Better Builders!

SK Mason Burhmaster, Managing Editor for The Past Bastard made the following statement: "We at The Past Bastard laud any attempt to call attention to eccentricities of the Craft through cleverness and humor; however, Brother Nagy's attempt to correlate Masonic membership to bodily-produced greenhouse gases was simply too full of 'hot air' to appeal to a large readership. Notwithstanding, it is a pleasure to see the 'winds' of change taking shape in the Masonic blogosphere."

Brother Reginald Farquar, featured writer of The Past Bastard also chimed in, "...wait, what? Why are you bothering me? I didn't even have time to write my own bio for the site. Why on earth would you think I'd have time to talk about what some other guy wrote about greenhouse gas? I drive a Hummer."

Regardless of whether you prefer to stand upwind or downwind of Brother Nagy's humorous antics, one thing is for certain: Masonic satire, much like the occasional putrid fart, is destined to hang around for the time being. Brother Nagy's full article can be viewed on his blog, Building Better Builders!

-Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III

Monday, November 2, 2015

Well-dressed Man Put on Trial by Lodge; Charged with 'Engaging in Metrosexual Behavior'

Macon, GA--The Past Bastard has learned that a local fashion enthusiast is facing Masonic charges after repeated violations of his local Masonic lodge dress code. Joe Snow, member of Simpleton Lodge No. 2 1/2, insisted on dressing up to attend lodge, reportedly in direct contravention of lodge code. Bro. Snow is being charged with "engaging in and advocating support of metrosexual behavior," an offense punishable by expulsion. Jim Snow, Worshipful Master of Simpleton Lodge explained, "Brother Joe's behavior is inexcusable. He insisted on wearing three-piece suits to lodge when our dress code is known to be bib overalls, and t-shirts only for degrees. God didn't make Adam and Eve wear suits! Neither should we! Brother Snow is breaking divine sartorial law. He deserves to be expelled."

The Past Bastard caught up with Joe as the situation unfolded. He explained: "I've been in love with fashion for as long as I can remember. I've tried adhering to the dress code, but for me it's who I am, not a choice I make."

Traditional Observances lodges across the country have aired their support for brother Snow. Johnathan Smith, member of Traditional Lodge No. 1 in Winchester, Kentucky, called out against the perceived injustice: "In today's society, sartorial law differs greatly from Biblical times. We must accept that there just isn't a divine standard for men's clothing in this day and age. As long as you don't force me to wear your clothes, I'm fine with whatever you choose to adorn yourself with."

The Past Bastard will continue to bring updates as this story unfolds. For now, the writers are sure of one thing: It shouldn't matter what clothes you wear, so far as you wear them--for it is well known that "no nudist can be made a Mason." 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster