Monday, July 17, 2017

COGMNA follows UGLE, drops OES

Breckenridge, CO - - One of the little known resolutions at the recent Conference of Grand Masters of North America was the agreement that American and Canadian Grand Lodges should become more like the United Grand Lodge of England.

"We've been independent for far too long," said RWB Donald Sniffgone, spokesperson for the Colorado Grand Lodge. "The different Grand Lodges around the US are starting to recognize how far apart that we have grown in terms of Masonic practices, and the only clear path is for us to give up our independent ways, and to start following whatever the United Grand Lodge of England does."

Accordingly, the Grand Lodge of Colorado has announced that the Order of Eastern Star will become a "clandestine" organization, and that the men in their grand jurisdiction will have to drop their memberships.

 "See, the UGLE doesn't recognize Eastern Star over in England," explained RWB Sniffgone. "The reasoning is unclear, but we think it's a smart move, since it keeps the men and women from mixing. I mean, ever been to a Star meeting? Or worse, one of their Grand Chapter meetings? The handful of men there all have this hollow-eyed stare, and the tension from the women is thick enough to cut with a Tyler's sword."
The Colorado Grand Lodge

The Past Bastard asked how the Grand Lodge would handle the break with the appendant order, especially since one of the requirements is that a Mason needs to be present at every meeting.

"Well, we don't expect much pushback from the men, but because of the requirement that a Mason be present at the Eastern Star chapter meetings, we've been trying to work our an arrangement with our counterparts in Larkspur. We're hoping that we can have some of their women co-masons available to sit in on those meetings in lieu of our men Freemasons."

Larkspur, Colorado is the headquarters of the newly renamed" The Honorable Order of Universal Co-Masonry," a Masonic order that is primarily women, but admits men.

"Ultimately, we're hoping that the Eastern Star women will turn their chapters into Co-Masonry lodges. Since we're not in amity, it means that our guys will be able to focus on our own Freemasonry, and not get sucked into those Star meetings any longer."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro




Monday, July 10, 2017

Lodge turns to Clandestine Masonry for notoriety, book deals

Chicago, IL - Fueled by mainstream Masonry's high demand for speakers and authors who began their Masonic journeys in Clandestine Lodges, one lodge in Chicago is hoping to get a piece of the action by turning themselves clandestine. Duplicitous Lodge #2, now under the jurisdiction of the Most Worshipful Regular Chicago Grand Lodge Masonic Speakers For Hire, Inc, spent almost one hundred years as a lodge subordinate to the Grand Lodge of Illinois before the brethren came up with an idea to gain the lodge, and its members, more notoriety and standing within the greater Masonic community.

MW Bro. Joe Snow, former Master of Duplicitous Lodge and sitting Grand Master of the MWRCGL Masonic Speakers For Hire, Inc, gave an exclusive interview to The Past Bastard, albeit after the payment of a ridiculously high honorarium: "We here at Duplicitous Lodge realized there's a big market for mainstream Masons who started out clandestine to get paid to share their experiences. Former clandestine Masons go on podcasts, write books, and attend keynote speaking engagements at special lodge events and annual conferences worldwide. We felt that we'd have a lot to contribute to that market, so last week we formed our own Grand Lodge and took our entire lodge clandestine! We spent the past weekend doing all the things that clandestine Masons do like charging lots of money, beating each other with paddles, and scaring each other with fireworks. We're ready to come back into the regular Grand Lodge of Illinois fold, heal ourselves, and share our clandestine experiences with the world...for a small fee, of course."

When The Past Bastard asked MW Snow how he could be so sure the Grand Lodge of Illinois would accept Duplicitous #2 back into their fold, MW seemed sure an arrangement could be made: "We aren't certain the Grand Lodge even knows we're gone. Besides, the lodge brethren are all agreed that we'll be giving the Grand Lodge of Illinois a substantial break in speaker's fees over the course of the next year. It's a win-win."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

Monday, July 3, 2017

Grand Master moves to posthumously expel George Washington

Alexandria, VA - In a shocking turn of events, The Past Bastard has learned that Most Worshipful Vermin Crook, the Grand Master of Virginia, has put forward plans to posthumously expel George Washington from membership in Freemasonry. Sources close to the Grand Lodge, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, cite the strained relationship between the Grand Lodge and one of its subordinates, namely Alexandria-Washington Lodge #22, as the catalyst for the expulsion of the most famous American Freemason who ever lived: "Ever since Most Worshipful Crook busted in and took the Lodge's charter back in April, he's been trying to root out the cause of the Lodge's so-called 'deviant' behavior," said one source, "after he forcibly removed from office the AW-22 Worshipful Master, Senior Warden, Secretary, Treasurer, Almoner, Stewards, a bunch of past masters, and two non-masons who happened to show up for dinner, the Grand Master set his sights on Bro. Washington."

When The Past Bastard asked why the Virginia Grand Master felt it necessary to press charges against Bro. George Washington, our source replied: "There we two things working against Bro. Washington at that point. First, Most Worshipful Crook felt that Bro. Washington's reckless and rebellious lifestyle, as evidenced by his fighting against the British in the American Revolution, instilled a precedent for deviant behavior on the part of his future Lodge brethren. Second, Most Worshipful Crook feels that Bro. Washington should be held responsible as the founder of AW-22. We can't really blame the Grand Master for his position--these tensions wouldn't exist had the Lodge never been founded!"

"In the end," another anonymous source stated, "the Grand Lodge was left with few options. We could have suspended him and held a Masonic trial, but we all knew he wouldn't show up for it. The Grand Master decided we needed a clean break. He is looking forward to putting this unpleasantness behind him."


The Past Bastard reached out to the Grand Lodge of Virginia for comment, but the only response we received directed us to review the Grand Lodge's "Social Media, Public Relations, Information Technology, and the Internet is the Invention of Satan and You Should Never Ever Ever Use It" Policy and, to be honest, our writers had an easier time translating Morals and Dogma into Pig Latin than we did in deciphering that tome.

-Exalted Patron Doctor Dorian Dalton