Monday, August 28, 2017

Millenial Masons get their Masonry Aude & Vide

Broken Arrow, OK -- Faced with a lack of older members in many lodges, younger Freemasons often feel like they are missing out on the proper Masonic culture that others take for granted around the US. That's why many Millennial aged Freemasons are turning to the internet for help.

"A lot of the lodges around here are filled with guys in their 20s and 30s, or maybe a few old timers who might be in their 40s. We no longer have that old-boy Masonic culture that we keep hearing about in other lodges," said WB Jimmy Dinkle. "I mean, a typical meeting here is pretty short because we've already emailed the PDF of the minutes to everyone, and most discussions about lodge business are happening over our Discord channel, so we've never had that thing about guys sitting around complaining about buying a new coffee maker or patching the parking lot or that kind of stuff."
Videos of older Freemasons complaining about
things is an important part of Masonic culture
that is on the verge of dying out.

"In order to not lose what the other guys think is an important part of lodge culture, we've been getting YouTube videos of those older guys in other lodges. You know, sitting around, having arguments over how much money to spend on the roof, complaining about how things were better in the old days, planning the fish fry dinners and pancake breakfasts. You know, Freemasonry like our grandfathers did."

WB Jimmy is in the process of starting a YouTube channel to store those videos to help other lodges with similar problems.

"It's obviously an important part of Freemason culture, and we need to do our best to preserve it," he said.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Monday, August 21, 2017

Scottish Rite NMJ to Fund Removal of Albert Pike Memorial

Lexington, MA—A spokesman from the Education Committee of the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction announced today their commitment to a progressive society, one without the oppression and constant reminders of the Civil War. In a statement from Mike Blaterhorn, “The NMJ has for years strived to rid the Scottish Rite of the stigma and hard to understand rhetoric of Albert Pike. His old antiquated ideas and exaggerated, brainy commentary on degrees are boring and with the current situation in the country, the time has come to strike.”

This comes at a time when the United States is at odds with Neo-Nazi and White Nationalist groups which have been holding rallies all across the nation at sites of Confederate Generals and Southern War Heroes, many of which are scheduled to be removed or have already been taken down. The statue of Albert Pike which stands in Washington D.C. was a recent target of anti-fascist protest, not the first time. Whilst the city council and the mayor are in favor of the statues removal, Freemasons notably Archivist for the AASR SJ, Arturo de Hoyos, were quick to point out that the Albert Pike statue in question was not erected as a Civil War memorial. It was erected as a memorial to the poet, lawyer and promoter of Native American rights.

The NMJ spokesman was further quoted as saying, “We’ve told our members here in the NMJ to forget Pike, and that he’s no longer relevant. Even though Pike’s statue isn’t truly a memorial to a Confederate general, the public has no idea. Never let a tragedy go to waste. We’re in a financial position to erase a little more of Pike’s influence by funding the removal project. We propose melting it down for scrap metal to sell off and add some capital to our Almoners Fund.

-W:., Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

Monday, August 14, 2017

Shocker! What Grand Lodge of Colorado changes "Pot of Incense" to is unbelievable!

Grand Junction, CO -- Freemasons in Colorado will soon be getting more than a "Rocky Mountain High" at lodge. The Grand Lodge of Colorado recently decided that the ancient Masonic symbol of the "pot of incense" -- a representation of prayers rising to Heaven -- will now be represented in lodge by a pot of  "pot."

"Hey, it's not grandpa's Freemasonry anymore," said District Deputy Grand Master Jackson Browne. "I'm pretty new at this, but I can tell you that I've visited a lot of lodges around the area, and a bunch of the younger guys were getting tired of sitting  around with the old-timers, drinking some cheap scotch, and talking about how much better things were in the old days. Now, at least, they come down to lodge and get mellow with each other, and leave with a lot of good and positive feeligns of brotherly love and affection. And isn't that what we're all about?"

Not everyone is so happy about the change, however.

"The millennials are killing everything," complained one old-timer who asked not to be named. "We used to come down to lodge, have a donut and a cup of coffee, then go upstairs to read some minutes and maybe have a degree once in a while. Now we have to breathe that Devil's weed smoke for an hour. GIves me a headache, it does."

The change comes along with a new title of "Lodge Dispenser," who will be in charge of acquiring the new "incense" and equipment for burning it.

The changes may be reviewed in the next year, though, because of unexpected expenses. "It's only been a couple of months," said Rocky Carrier, Junior Warden for Grand Junction Lodge, "but we've noticed a distinct uptick in our dinner costs. We may have to raise dues to cover the extra snacks that we're going through."

Dr. Dorian Dalton, Exalted Patron 102.5ยบ

Monday, August 7, 2017

Summer beach reading

It's time for summer vacation here at The Past Bastard media empire. Lodge, err, our offices have gone dark for the summer, and the ungrateful interns have departed for other environs. We, ourselves, have taken a couple of weeks for rest and refreshment by lazing around at the beach, in hopes to catch up on our reading and our investigation into the local microbreweries.

We're a bit peeved at one of our interns, however. He recommended reading something called "Haunted Chambers," which we assumed would be a brainless supernatural thriller. We are three quarters of the way through this book, and have finally given up hope for any decent plot. The story is very disjointed, and we are beginning to suspect that the title is supposed to be some kind of metaphor, and not to be taken literally at all. We're going to have sharp words with that intern when we get back to the office, let us assure you.

If any of you are looking for a good book for the summer, we suggest you look elsewhere. However, if you are interested in something that deals with fictional creatures, such as ghosts, chimeras, unicorns, or women Freemasons, there appears to be no end of that kind of nonsense available.

As for us, we intend to investigate as many more microbrews as time allows before we return to our labors.