Monday, April 23, 2018

Grand Lodge of Kentucky to initiate modern public relations campaign

Louisville, KY -- Grand Lodge officers and other Masonic leaders in Kentucky, are in the process of putting together a "modern public relations campaign" to attract new members.

Many of the new public relations spots were filmed at the
Grand Lodge building.
"We were kind of impressed with the work that the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts did," said Right Worshipful Earl Flynn, who heads up the Grand Lodge Public Relations Committee. "The problem we saw, though, is that they tried to capitalize  on the historic angle, and used all those famous founding fathers and such. We don't think that kind of thing appeals to the younger folks that we're trying to attract, so our campaign is going to feature a more modern, contemporary angle."

The Past Bastard asked to see some previews, but the PR Committee was not willing to release anything before final editing was finished.

"I can tell you, though, that the younger guys will be pretty impressed by the radio ads, billboards, and a few TV spots, said RW Flynn. "We're going to get across the idea that Freemasons are pretty hip by showing them to be television and movie actors, and even rock stars."

The Past Bastard asked which actors and musicians they were able to get.

"Well, we weren't able to actually sign the actors themselves," explained RW Flynn. "However, we got some brothers who are great likenesses of John Wayne, Kirk Douglass, Bill Bixby, and David Hasselhoff. And we've also got a few guys impersonating Buddy Holly, Glen Campbell, and Davey Jones. You'd swear you were watching the originals."

RW Flynn explained that the idea was to feature these modern entertainers in spots similar to the way the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts featured George Washington and Ben Franklin. "Our thinking is that these guys will be more recognizable to the new, younger generation that we hope to attract in order to sustain our membership. By featuring well-known, modern figures, we expect that these kids will see Freemasonry as being more relevant." He added, "You know, like, real hep cats."

Friday, April 13, 2018

Seattle Lodge weighs impact of controversial membership requirement

Seattle, WA -- The members of Starbuck Lodge No. 1971 had a weighty decision to make, and are now dealing with the impact.

"It started out when one of us realized that we were replacing those canvas tarps -- you know the ones, I mean -- every two, maybe three years," said Les Gibson, Worshipful Master of Starbuck Lodge. "And we have to buy them from the Grand Lodge, because the insurance regulations won't allow us to use ones with repaired handles, just in case somebody falls through, you know?"
The lodge is located on Pike Street, an area with old
buildings that do not meet modern weight load codes.

WB Gibson pointed to a pile of canvas tarps with ripped handles, some hanging on literally by a few threads.

"So we were talking about it, and one of us made a joke that we should impose a new membership regulation, that in order to join, you had to have a BMI in the normal range. Then people started pulling out their phones and looking things up, and the next thing you know, we're drafting a by-law change. So now, in order to be initiated into this lodge, you have to be a man, of legal age, with a belief in a higher power, and a BMI of 35 or less."

The Past Bastard asked if this would affect existing members.

"Right now, it's only affecting new members," said Gibson, "But eventually that will work into the current membership. Not only were we going through tarps, but this is an old building, and the people downstairs have been complaining about the noise, not to mention the plaster cracking on their ceiling. So over the next five to ten years, we expect that we're going to get the BMI of all members down to under 35, and we expect, through attrition, that we'll eventually get it down to under 30."

Emails to the Grand Lodge have gone unanswered, but anonymous sources told us that there was some concern that if other lodges adopted similar by-laws, that it might spell the end of Freemasonry in Washington, and perhaps most of the United States.

"What do they expect, that we're going to replace pancakes with rice cakes? I've tried, and no matter how much Mrs Buttersworth syrup I put on them, they still taste like cardboard."

Thursday, April 5, 2018

AASR SJ valley petitions SGIG to build wall to stop NMJ member emigration

Guthrie, OK - A recent wave of attempted Scottish Rite member emigration out of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to the AASR Southern Jurisdiction has one SJ valley concerned and ready to take action. Fueled by disillusionment sparked over the inability of NMJ members to gain entry to -- or pronounce -- the NMJ's Hauts Grades Academy, and resentment over the new NMJ baby boomer recruiting strategy, brethren have been attempting in record numbers to leave the cold, video degree-laden NMJ for the warm embrace of Pike intellectualism that pervades the Southern Jurisdiction. But not everyone wants to welcome these "Scottish Rite dreamers" into the SJ fold. The Past Bastard has learned that the brethren of MAGA (Make Aasr Great Again) Valley, Ancient & Accepted Scottish Rite in Oklahoma have formally petitioned their SGIG to stem the influx of SJ hopefuls.

The Past Bastard spoke with MAGA Valley's Personal Representative to the SGIG, Ill. Bro. Joe Snow, 33°, to gain his insights into the evolving concern over illegal AASR immigration: "Well, the fact of the matter here is that there's not a lot of opportunity for the younger guys to get their KCCH or 33rd degree Inspector General unless some of the old timers kick the bucket. These guys put their hearts and souls into one day getting a shot at an honorary title, and then all of these NMJ brothers come flocking in from everywhere to gobble up their honorary slots! Our 32nd degree brethren have a right to be upset. These NMJ undesirables are stealing Inspector General slots that rightfully belong the true blue, 'born and raised' SJ members!"

When The Past Bastard asked Ill. Bro. Snow,  33°, about the valley's petition to the SGIG, he explained plainly: "Our valley has sent a petition to our Sovereign Grand Inspector General for the Orient of Oklahoma requesting he petition the Sovereign Grand Commander to build a wall delineating the borders between NMJ and SJ jurisdictions. That oughta keep the undesirables out." Ill. Bro. Snow, 33°, continued: "And that's not all! We've even got a plan to get the wall paid for! We're going to make the Supreme Council, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction pick up the tab! After all, we're saving them a boatload of dues revenue by denying their members entry into our jurisdiction. It's a win for both sides." 

The Past Bastard mentioned to Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° that a physical wall would likely have minimal effect on NMJ brethren attempting to join the SJ (you know, in the age of e-mail and all), but Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° remained confident that his valley's plan would succeed: "We've got it all worked out. You can't just leave a wall unguarded. We've already arranged to have our Knights of St. Andrews and members of our local Oklahoma Knights Templar Commanderies patrol the wall once it's built. They need something to do anyway." 

Requests for comment directed toward the Sovereign Grand Inspector General of the Orient of Oklahoma were not immediately returned.