Friday, April 13, 2018

Seattle Lodge weighs impact of controversial membership requirement

Seattle, WA -- The members of Starbuck Lodge No. 1971 had a weighty decision to make, and are now dealing with the impact.

"It started out when one of us realized that we were replacing those canvas tarps -- you know the ones, I mean -- every two, maybe three years," said Les Gibson, Worshipful Master of Starbuck Lodge. "And we have to buy them from the Grand Lodge, because the insurance regulations won't allow us to use ones with repaired handles, just in case somebody falls through, you know?"
The lodge is located on Pike Street, an area with old
buildings that do not meet modern weight load codes.

WB Gibson pointed to a pile of canvas tarps with ripped handles, some hanging on literally by a few threads.

"So we were talking about it, and one of us made a joke that we should impose a new membership regulation, that in order to join, you had to have a BMI in the normal range. Then people started pulling out their phones and looking things up, and the next thing you know, we're drafting a by-law change. So now, in order to be initiated into this lodge, you have to be a man, of legal age, with a belief in a higher power, and a BMI of 35 or less."

The Past Bastard asked if this would affect existing members.

"Right now, it's only affecting new members," said Gibson, "But eventually that will work into the current membership. Not only were we going through tarps, but this is an old building, and the people downstairs have been complaining about the noise, not to mention the plaster cracking on their ceiling. So over the next five to ten years, we expect that we're going to get the BMI of all members down to under 35, and we expect, through attrition, that we'll eventually get it down to under 30."

Emails to the Grand Lodge have gone unanswered, but anonymous sources told us that there was some concern that if other lodges adopted similar by-laws, that it might spell the end of Freemasonry in Washington, and perhaps most of the United States.

"What do they expect, that we're going to replace pancakes with rice cakes? I've tried, and no matter how much Mrs Buttersworth syrup I put on them, they still taste like cardboard."


  1. Next thing these health nuts will be saying the Knife and Fork degree is clandestine.

  2. Quick! Somebody start marketing skinny aprons made of locally sourced and artisinally dyed leather!