Thursday, June 21, 2018

Nevada Freemasons to bring the MasoniCHIP up to the next level

Crystal Springs, NV -- For the last ten or fifteen years, many Freemasons around North America have been participating in a program that helps to identify children who have been kidnapped or lost by taking pictures, DNA samples, and tooth imprints. This year, the Freemasons of Nevada have decided to take that one step further in a program that, while controversial, has certainly been effective in trial runs. 

"Well, first of all, we have to both curse and thank the guy who came up with the name CHIP for the Child Identification Program," said NevadaCHIP director WB Carlos Allende. "The cursing is because it was such an astoundingly poor choice of acronym, considering how so many of those conspiracy nuts think that we're connected to some kind of Illuminati world government thing, and that we were implanting tracking chips in the damn kids. Really, it made people distrust us from the start. An amazing lack of self-awareness," he added.

A prototype sample of the new microwave/radar
activated Child Identification Chip developed
by the Grand Lodge of Nevada at their
Groom Lake headquarters.
The Past Bastard interviewed Worshipful Brother Allende near the Groom Lake NevadaCHIP headquarters.

"However, we have to also thank whoever it was, because it gave us the reason to drop the pretense and take this child ID thing seriously. You know, next level, kind of thing. That's why we're proud to be the first ones in the country -- hell, in the world, as far as I know -- to dispense with the tooth prints, finger prints, pictures, and all that stuff, and just give the kids an actual microwave enabled tracking chip, right in their necks."

According to NevadaCHIP, the new Child Identification Program would be tested for the next year or so before being offered to the other MasoniCHIP participants.

WB Allende explained that the chips were similar to the RFID tags that are often implanted into pets or livestock, each with a unique code that can be read when passed near a radio scanner, and that the distance factor would make it possible for search helicopters to pinpoint lost children down to a meter wide area, even if they are running through the woods at night.

"Our units are much more enhanced than those other chip readers you've seen, because we have access to, umm, special technology that makes it possible," he explained. "Our chips can be activated and read by a device that uses a combination of longer range microwave beams combined with radar, which means that we can be as much as a mile or more away from the subjects... err, kids, and still be able to target... err, find them." 

The Past Bastard declined the offer to be "chipped" with a test model.


  1. "Taking helicopter parents to the skies." Five bucks says this article gets picked up by Infowars...

  2. Worthless, if someone kidnapped a kid he can remove it using his knife and make the child bleeding, and the longer range microwave beams it's bad to the brain cells