Monday, November 28, 2016

Local Lodge "Black Friday Deal" ends in tragedy

Seaside Heights, NJ - A local lodge's "Black Friday Membership Deal" ended in tragedy last week as several members were rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Seeking to cash in on the success of previous attempts to bolster membership on Black Friday, the officers of Dotage Lodge No. 1943 instituted a special deal on membership dues for those willing to brave the crowds.

Bro. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Dotage Lodge, explained the deal and its impact to The Past Bastard: "We had a great deal lined up for brethren! We told them to meet back at the lodge Friday morning at low twelve, and the first five brethren and first five prospective members through the door would get their dues for next year remitted. We thought it was a great deal, and apparently so did everyone else!"

When The Past Bastard asked about how the deal turned treacherous, Bro. Snow explained: "In a way, we were victims of our own success. Everyone wanted to get in on the deal, including our more 'senior' members who can't drive at night. That caused a couple problems in the lodge parking lot. The biggest problem, however, arose when brethren started lining up. Apparently, tensions began to run high -- as I've heard they do during Black Friday -- and, while no one got trampled or came to blows, several of our older members couldn't take the excitement and collapsed with heart palpitations. We called the ambulance straight away, and I'm pleased to report they're doing fine."

"Luckily for me," he added, "our Secretary is the one who gets to tell the hospitalized brethren that, since they stepped out of line to go to the hospital, they missed out on our deal."

Bro. Snow concluded our interview by stating: "All in all, the deal was a success! We're going to line up something new for Cyber Monday next year. Now all we have to do is teach our older brethren how to use PayPal."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster


  1. Hope this is not true, lol wow is all I can say!

    the thought of fragile old men shoving eachother in a line sounds deadly enough! lol

    besides that... i don't think i would line up as number 6 if I already saw 5 people at the door already, just a little common sense about Black Friday that I never understood about people these days