AASR SJ valley petitions SGIG to build wall to stop NMJ member emigration

Guthrie, OK - A recent wave of attempted Scottish Rite member emigration out of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to the AASR Southern Jurisdiction has one SJ valley concerned and ready to take action. Fueled by disillusionment sparked over the inability of NMJ members to gain entry to -- or pronounce -- the NMJ's Hauts Grades Academy, and resentment over the new NMJ baby boomer recruiting strategy, brethren have been attempting in record numbers to leave the cold, video degree-laden NMJ for the warm embrace of Pike intellectualism that pervades the Southern Jurisdiction. But not everyone wants to welcome these "Scottish Rite dreamers" into the SJ fold. The Past Bastard has learned that the brethren of MAGA (Make Aasr Great Again) Valley, Ancient & Accepted Scottish Rite in Oklahoma have formally petitioned their SGIG to stem the influx of SJ hopefuls.

The Past Bastard spoke with MAGA Valley's Personal Representative to the SGIG, Ill. Bro. Joe Snow, 33°, to gain his insights into the evolving concern over illegal AASR immigration: "Well, the fact of the matter here is that there's not a lot of opportunity for the younger guys to get their KCCH or 33rd degree Inspector General unless some of the old timers kick the bucket. These guys put their hearts and souls into one day getting a shot at an honorary title, and then all of these NMJ brothers come flocking in from everywhere to gobble up their honorary slots! Our 32nd degree brethren have a right to be upset. These NMJ undesirables are stealing Inspector General slots that rightfully belong the true blue, 'born and raised' SJ members!"

When The Past Bastard asked Ill. Bro. Snow,  33°, about the valley's petition to the SGIG, he explained plainly: "Our valley has sent a petition to our Sovereign Grand Inspector General for the Orient of Oklahoma requesting he petition the Sovereign Grand Commander to build a wall delineating the borders between NMJ and SJ jurisdictions. That oughta keep the undesirables out." Ill. Bro. Snow, 33°, continued: "And that's not all! We've even got a plan to get the wall paid for! We're going to make the Supreme Council, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction pick up the tab! After all, we're saving them a boatload of dues revenue by denying their members entry into our jurisdiction. It's a win for both sides." 

The Past Bastard mentioned to Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° that a physical wall would likely have minimal effect on NMJ brethren attempting to join the SJ (you know, in the age of e-mail and all), but Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° remained confident that his valley's plan would succeed: "We've got it all worked out. You can't just leave a wall unguarded. We've already arranged to have our Knights of St. Andrews and members of our local Oklahoma Knights Templar Commanderies patrol the wall once it's built. They need something to do anyway." 

Requests for comment directed toward the Sovereign Grand Inspector General of the Orient of Oklahoma were not immediately returned.

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SR NMJ to communicate entirely by Twitter

Seacaucus, NJ -- Hinting via videos that there were going to be "major changes coming to the Scottish Rite in the upcoming months," the Scottish Rite NMJ announced that by the end of  this year, all official communications will be made by Twitter.

The soon to be empty SR Auditorium where the NMJ
records their video degrees to be mailed to candidates.

"It was the next logical progression," said David Glattly, 32º Sovereign Grand Commander for the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction told The Past Bastard during a recent Google Hangouts interview.. "We're trying to position ourselves as the more progressive version of the Scottish Rite. The past couple of years have shown  us that Twitter is the new way to communicate, especially since they doubled their character limit."

We asked Commander Glattly if he really thought Twitter would be enough to communicate their messages.

"Most people don't have time to read any long messages anymore, so Twitter is perfect. And if we need to get into any more depth, we can easily write up a script and have one of our guys do a video. Millenials love videos."

The Past Bastard noted that the Southern Jurisdiction seemed to be doing well doing things the more traditional way, and that some NMJ members have complained about the NMJ turning itself into something very different from the original Scottish Rite

"Nonsense, the members love this," said Commander Glattly. "I mean, we're already livestreaming meetings, and we have DVDs of degree work. Our expectation is that by the end of my term, we should be able to run without any human interaction at all."

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Report: Freemasonry provides "little to no opportunity" for baby boomers

Fort Wayne, IN - Despite a push for baby boomer recruitment in recent (non) peer reviewed Masonic scholarship, The Past Bastard has learned that baby boomers--those Americans born roughly between 1946 and 1964--are definitively not interested in joining Freemasonry as the organization provides little to no opportunities for baby boomer members to make it worse off. In his recent powerpoint slide ramblings-turned-book Reclaiming the Soul of Freemasonry, brother and notable baby boomer John William McNaughton cites survey data to argue that Masonic recruitment efforts should center on the baby boomer generation. The Past Bastard, not content to take any information strictly at face value, conducted its own detailed survey of the baby boomer populace to determine whether or not baby boomers were even interested in joining Freemasonry in the first place. Turns out, they aren't.

According The Past Bastard's comprehensive baby boomer survey, 87% of respondents stated that they had "little or very little interest" in joining Freemasonry; however, the detailed responses of those respondents shed light on why exactly boomers aren't interested in taking up the trowel. Overwhelmingly, respondents felt that Freemasonry "provided little or no opportunity." One respondent in particular elaborated: "We boomers take pride in how much we've screwed up the world for our posterity. I mean, look at the housing market, student loan debt, the o-zone layer, and the national deficit! We've certainly made our mark. Freemasonry isn't appealing as it simply doesn't afford us 'boomers' any opportunity to make it worse. It's got it all--rampant racism, homophobia, misogyny, Christian fundamentalism--I mean, I could go on for days. There just isn't much for us to play with here."

Another respondent remarked: "The organization is already practically bankrupt. There's no way for me to suck money out of it, and, while I love the idea of collecting pompous titles to give my life meaning, I'd simply rather stay at home collecting social security and posting on the facebooks about how the neighbor kids keep running through my lawn." Many survey respondents mirrored these responses.


So there you have it. Even if baby boomers are the correct target market for future Masonic recruitment efforts, this writer for The Past Bastard remains unconvinced of Freemasonry's appeal to boomers given the clear inability of the baby boomer generation to plunge the fraternity into darker depths than it has already reached. Perhaps we could bait them with pins?

-Exalted Patron Dr. Dorian Dalton

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Big changes coming to the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, and you'll never guess what they are!

Lexington,  MA - Scottish Rite members have been on the edge of their seats since the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction began pushing out cryptic videos last month. These videos tease something just around the corner, “Not just a man, a Mason” fades in and out. The words, “We’ve done a lot of Historic things…” and “The Story continues...” flash across the screen. The anticipation was just too much for us here at The Past Bastard, so we sent one of our faithful reporters on assignment to the NMJ to get the scoop on what's really going on up in Lexington, MA:

Reporting for The Past Bastard, I met an informant recently in the parking garage of a local shopping mall, who went by the name of “Shallow Throat.” What our informant revealed about the big plans and the videos that the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction has been pushing--which have been shared tens of times--was shocking. “We’ll see ourselves differently…” our informant began, "and NMJ members certainly will when they announce that the NMJ will formally announce a full blown re-dedication to the Pike Scottish Rite ritual, for starters."

According to Shallow Throat, the NMJ has suffered widespread criticism related to its constant changes for far too long. "The Northern Masonic Jurisdiction has decided to listen to its 'most intelligent members' and revert back to the core mission of being the "College of Freemasonry." I asked more about what was to come, and to my amazement, our informant dropped the following bombshell:

"Women." Shallow Throat stated plainly. I stared in disbelief. When I asked for further clarification on whether or not women were going to gain admission into the NMJ, Shallow Throat answered: "Well, not quite. Instead, the 33rds up in Lexington are planning to create a Scottish Rite spin-off for ladies called 'The Knights of KaDeuche.' But that's not all," our informant continued, "...these changes are all just a setup for the biggest change of them all--the proposal of a merger with the Southern Jurisdiction."

My blood ran cold. I asked our informant to clarify, to make sure I hadn't misheard. The informant went on, “The reason why Lexington has been hoarding money for so long, and deliberately choosing not to spend it on education or publications is because there's already a repository for those things in the House of the Temple in DC. If the Southern Jurisdiction agrees to the merger, the NMJ is ready to front the money to completely restore the House of the Temple so it can continue to provide light for all."

So, there you have it. When the NMJ finally releases the news, try to act surprised...like I didn’t already tell you what was going to be announced. 

-W:. Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Grand Lodge Announces "Celebrating the Kraft"

Northfield, IL - Not to be outdone by the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Southern Jurisdiction, which held its annual "Celebrating the Craft" event--a combination telethon and talent show, slapped together with the special effects and charisma of a rerun of the "700 Club"--this past weekend, the Grand Lodge of Illinois has announced its very own annual celebration. Entitled "Celebrating the Kraft," this event reportedly showcases that which truly makes Masonry great--its food. Bro. Joseph Snow, spokesperson for the Grand Lodge of Illinois, spoke to The Past Bastard on this historic undertaking: "We've partnered with the Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to celebrate Freemasonry in our own way. We realize that most Masons really show up because of the food, and Kraft dinners are a staple cuisine served at Blue Lodge and Scottish Rite functions across the state."

"After all," Bro. Snow continued, "Freemasonry's really about coming together to break bread with your brethren, regardless of what those 'observant' types tell you. If we can celebrate the Kraft dinners that bring our brethren together and make a buck or two for charity at the same time, then I'd say we've got something great going!"

The inaugural event is reportedly being planned for early December, to coincide with the founding of the now-defunct Kraft Foods Inc. company back in 1923. "Preparations are already under way!," Bro. Snow continued, "We've partnered with Illustrious Brother Alan Foulds, editor of The Northern Light, on a new book project that will be ready by December, and available exclusively to those who participate in our inaugural 'Celebrating the Kraft' event. Tentatively titled 'Observing the Kraft,' Bro. Foulds will be presenting his best practices for Lodge dinners by cobbling together Kraft Foods recipes from across the country! Remember, if it isn't Kraft, then it's just a distraction."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

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NMJ discusses replacing working tools with image memes

Crystal City, VA -- In one of the more revolutionary concepts to come out of the 2016 Masonic Week convention, Bro. John McNaughton, SGC for the Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, floated the idea that the working tools associated with the lessons of Freemasonry are old-fashioned, and could easily be replaced by more approachable forms of symbolic communication.

“... far too many current Masonic leaders do not understand that some traditions which served the needs of the fraternity in the past have very simply become outdated technology. For example, their insistence of stressing memorized ritual above all else in the craft, along with their edicts and rules, do not seem to be working very well in mostly empty 21st century lodge rooms.”

The 33º SGC went on to describe how it might be better approached.

“The younger guys, today, are familiar with Facebook and Twitter, and they’re always passing along pictures that have been altered to have pithy or inspirational messages on them. Instead of trying to convey some kind of moral lessons with a few tools, like a square - which nobody uses in real life, anymore - we would be much better off showing them picture memes with the appropriate messages. It will be faster, and less prone to misunderstanding.”  

Although the SR has no authority over the Craft lodges, many Grand Lodge officers hold the various Supreme Grand Commanders in awe, and it’s not unusual for them to take those ideas and pass them along at the various Blue Lodge educational seminars. While there was little discussion over the idea of replacing the working tool lectures with Facebook memes, the fact that most of the Grand Masters and other officers present did not denounce the idea shows that at least some of them will be considering the move.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to Finally Release Ritual & Monitor

Lexington Massachusetts—The Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction released some incredible news via their email newsletter, Squad Updates. “For many years there has been a lack of education within the NMJ, and this is partly due to not having a solid reference guide to our rituals.”, said a spokesperson from the Supreme Council. “Its a very exciting day that we announce the first ever AASR NMJ Ritual and Monitor!”

One member from the project was quoted saying, “The Southern Jurisdiction has for years, produced a fine copy of their Ritual Monitor with decent notes on the degrees by Scottish Rite Historian, Arturo de Hoyos, so it’s time we did the same thing.” There is one huge difference however in the NMJ’s approach. This will be a “living” ebook. A spokesman explained “Due to the constant updates and rewrites by Jaime C. Tongueballs, it was impossible to release a Monitor since it would be rewritten by the time the brothers received it. In this way, we can instantly upload the rewrites whenever Jaime conjures them up."

The “living” ebook will be released later this month when Grand Wiz Tongueballs finishes his on-location video shoot of a new set of degrees in New Zealand. Reports are, he enlisted Peter Jackson’s production company for the endeavor. That story forth coming. For now, enjoy the book that keeps on giving…because it keeps on changing. 

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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USDA Closes Masonic Factory Farm For Widespread Initiatic Experience Abuse

  

INDIANAPOLIS - On November 6th, the Grand Lodge of Indiana and the Indianapolis Valley of Scottish Rite, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, were cited by the United States Department of Agriculture’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service for initiatic abuse violations. APHIS claims that the Grand Lodge and Valley used such abusive practices as profane to 32° in weekend classes and degrees done by video presentations.

“It was pretty horrible,” explained Horace Mann, Assistant Administrator of the AC Eastern Regional Office, “I mean, we have factory farms that broach the line on initiatic abuse all the time. States that employ so-called Grand Master’s classes, Blue Lightning degrees, One Day Classes. But nothing in my 30 years of experience prepared me for what I witnessed. Flagrant non-proficiency, glazed-over eyes, sore backs and bottoms. The degree work and other events were more than 24 hours, cumulative. Just terrible conditions for young, aspirationally minded men to endure.”

The United States Chamber of Freemasonry, a Grand Lodge think tank, released a statement of support. “The data doesn’t lie. Consistently, men who are brought into Freemasonry in either manner, whether it be a one day format or in a more traditional format, have the same rate of retention. Men are busy. What they want is a title and that’s what Freemasonry can provide. And let’s face it, if the lodges would just do their own work, instead of relying on their constituent Grand Lodges to do everything, we wouldn’t need one day classes.”

“Freemasonry is a product, one that can be better served to interested men quickly. If we’re going to keep the lights on, we’ll need quantity, not quality, to accomplish that.”

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

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Netflix Inks Exclusive Deal With Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction

Lexington, MA - Surrounded by ranking members of the Supreme Council of the Scottish Rite, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, Netflix’s CEO Reed Hastings excitedly announced his company’s acquisition of the exclusive streaming rights to the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction's entire video degree collection. “This is a great day for Netflix and an outstanding day for Scottish Rite Freemasonry!” Hastings said to a crowd of Scottish Rite brothers in Lexington, Massachusetts. 
 

“With this partnership, we can bring NMJ to the forefront of technology. The NMJ’s content is solid. Degrees about WWII Chaplains and singing woodsmen? Amazing. We have so much to work with here."The NMJ, which has suffered from declining DVD sales for years, is hoping to see a boost in profit per petition going forward with this partnership. 

“It’s really a win-win,” said AASR-NMJ spokesperson Gail Stevenson in an exclusive interview with The Past Bastard. “We can leverage our position as one of the largest Scottish Rite presences in the world and Netflix now has a way to really broach the hard to reach aged 55-75 demographic that they just haven’t penetrated yet. 'Longmire' just isn't doing it for them.”
 

A large part of this deal hinged upon giving Netflix the exclusive right to produce new content using the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction's existing catalog of video degrees. Netflix has since announced that the first of these original programs will be a reimagining of the 31st degree, with the new title, “Bro. Red Skelton’s Ode to the Pledge.”
 

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°



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