Scottish Rite NMJ to Fund Removal of Albert Pike Memorial

Lexington, MA—A spokesman from the Education Committee of the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction announced today their commitment to a progressive society, one without the oppression and constant reminders of the Civil War. In a statement from Mike Blaterhorn, “The NMJ has for years strived to rid the Scottish Rite of the stigma and hard to understand rhetoric of Albert Pike. His old antiquated ideas and exaggerated, brainy commentary on degrees are boring and with the current situation in the country, the time has come to strike.”

This comes at a time when the United States is at odds with Neo-Nazi and White Nationalist groups which have been holding rallies all across the nation at sites of Confederate Generals and Southern War Heroes, many of which are scheduled to be removed or have already been taken down. The statue of Albert Pike which stands in Washington D.C. was a recent target of anti-fascist protest, not the first time. Whilst the city council and the mayor are in favor of the statues removal, Freemasons notably Archivist for the AASR SJ, Arturo de Hoyos, were quick to point out that the Albert Pike statue in question was not erected as a Civil War memorial. It was erected as a memorial to the poet, lawyer and promoter of Native American rights.

The NMJ spokesman was further quoted as saying, “We’ve told our members here in the NMJ to forget Pike, and that he’s no longer relevant. Even though Pike’s statue isn’t truly a memorial to a Confederate general, the public has no idea. Never let a tragedy go to waste. We’re in a financial position to erase a little more of Pike’s influence by funding the removal project. We propose melting it down for scrap metal to sell off and add some capital to our Almoners Fund.

-W:., Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Grand Lodge California Allows State Pen Lodge U.D.

Avenal, CA- In a move to deliver Masonry to an untapped market, the Grand Lodge of California has granted dispensation to Avenal Prison Lodge U.D. The move comes in the wake of a nearly 5% loss in membership year over year. "In a state where the the prison population eclipses 200,000, we would be foolish not to put our stake down as the premier fraternal organization for correctional officers and prisoners." Duane Canfield, RWDGM. In some jurisdictions, felony convictions do not bar a man from joining the Freemasons. Duane explained "That is left up to the lodges to decide. And besides, we can all think of one or two Masons who should be expelled but who's indiscretions have managed to skirt the public eye. Where's the harm?"

Since granting the dispensation to meet, APL has seen an unprecedented number of petitions and are on track to Raise more than twice the amount of Master Masons as the next closest lodge this year. "I don't much like basketball or lifting weights but I look forward to bringing my single letter key into the yard to brush up on my Senior Deacon's lecture." says inmate Brother James Hall, who’s currently serving 15 years for violating parole and felon possession of a firearm. "I could request an early release on good behavior but the green beans are great and I hope to learn all the lectures so that I can sit for my exam once released." James is currently serving as Junior Deacon in the progressive line of APL and hopes to sit in the East before his sentence is up.

The Grand Lodge of California believes that, in addition to the per capita boost it will receive, it is providing a much needed relief to those working in California State Penitentiary system. Both the guards and inmates relish the opportunity to meet upon the level. "I come to work with a sense of safety knowing that my Brothers are all watching my back." admits Lt. Antonio Caballero. "Handing the gavel to an inmate really teaches us a much needed lesson in humility and subordination." Brother Antonio has donated the entire collection of Manly P. Hall's writings which now comprises the largest of such collections in any penitentiary library the world over.

When asked, do we let just anyone in? the Right Worshipful responded "Of course not! According to the ancient landmarks of the Fraternity, the lunch ladies are not eligible for Masonic membership but we are in discussions with the OES to establish a sister chapter." (Quote) "We believe the next step is establishing an DeMolay in the youth facilities will be beneficial to the Craft." APL is hosting it first Pancake breakfast at the end of the month to raise money to fund the startup of the youth organizations at "CHAD" in the fall.

--Worshipful Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq 49˚

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COGMNA declares Red Skelton Flag Pin to be 4th great light

Burbank, CA -- 

The members of the Conference of Grand Masters of North America voted to adopt a new symbol of Freemasonry for the entire North American continent, based on a recent lapel pin seen on Facebook.

The pin, designed on Etsy earlier this year, shows Brother Red Skelton in his Klem Kadiddlehopper tuxedo on a background of an American flag. The words "One Nation Under God" are displayed in a banner above his head.

"We can't think of a more fitting way to signify what Freemasonry stands for," said WB John Lee Hooker, media spokesperson for the 2016 COGNMA conference. "The pin is meant to evoke Brother Red's speech from his 1960s television show - you know, the one where he goes through the entire 'Pledge of Allegiance' word by word and explains how patriotic and religious it is to the audience. There probably isn't a lodge in existence that doesn't use a video of that for one of its Masonic Education programs."

Indeed, the writers at The Past Bastard are intimately familiar with the video, having seen it multiple times over the years. However it did raise some questions, which we presented to WB Hooker.

"Well, yes, we did  have some pushback on making this symbol for the entire continent," he admitted, "More specifically, a few of the Canadian provinces and Mexico had some objections to making this an official symbol, but they were heavily outvoted by most of the Grand Lodges of the US."

Most of the members?

WB Hooker explained "Well, California also objected, but you know how they are out there. I think that Oregon might have objected, and surprisingly New York, as well. I don't understand it, but the overwhelming number of states and provinces voted for the symbol, so we expect to be rolling it out for 2017."

Wait, provinces?

"Oh yes, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick voted for adopting the pin, and so, I think, did Prince Edward Island, which is essentially part of Maine, anyway."

The 2016 Conference of Grand Masters has been drafting up a number of regulations and position papers, which they expect to be presenting at the upcoming 2017 conference on how the symbol and pins should be displayed, and whether they should augment or simply replace the Square & Compasses.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Report: Evangelical cartoonist Jack Chick converts to Freemasonry on deathbed

Alhambra, CA - Jack Chick, long-time evangelical Christian, anti-Semite, anti-Catholic, anti-Muslim, anti-Mason, anti-feminist, anti-rock music, anti-kitten, anti-esotericism, anti-Harry Potter, anti-New King James Version of the Bible, anti-Dungeons and Dragons, anti-homosexual, anti-snow cone, and anti-Halloween comic book artist passed away in late October, but before doing so converted to Freemasonry, sources close to the Chick family disclosed to The Past Bastard. Josephina Snow-Chick, relative of Jack Chick, explained: "Jack's final wish was for his family to tell the world that he was right about Freemasonry all along. It is a religion, albeit one with which Jack fell more in love as he got older. At the end, he wanted everyone to know the glory of GOATU [sic]."

When The Past Bastard attempted to explain that Freemasonry was not, in fact, a religion, Ms. Snow-Chick replied: "Well, of course you'd say that! As Jack always said, 'Freemasons don't learn about Baphomet until the highest degrees!' You must just not be a good enough Mason yet."

This writer of The Past Bastard wishes Mr. Chick and his family the best during this difficult time. As of this writing, Freemasons joined together with Catholics, dungeon masters, and Lutherans to mourn his loss. Bro Jonathan Doe, former Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Oklahoma lamented: "...those Chick Tracts were some of the best promotional materials this organization ever had. It's sad to think there won't be any more. It's funny really--Freemasons spent decades trying to persuade Mr. Chick that Freemasonry isn't a religion. Given Jack's self-confessed 'conversion to Freemasonry,' I guess he got the last laugh."

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

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Latter-Day Saints Church Seeks to Become Masonry’s Newest Appendant Body

Salt Lake City, UT – On Monday morning, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints formally announced its intent to petition the Grand Lodge of Utah for inclusion as an officially recognized Masonic appendant body within the grand jurisdiction. In a statement made on the steps outside of the church’s largest temple, Salt Lake Temple, Elder Joe Smythe explained the church’s rationale behind this historic move toward inclusion. “The move comes on the heels of months of in-depth research into the history of both our own church and the organization known as Freemasonry. It came to our attention several months ago that the Church and Freemasonry share similar grips, words, underwear, and other modes of recognition. Naturally, we launched a comprehensive investigation immediately. Given overwhelming evidence, we can now conclude that both organizations were divinely—albeit separately—inspired. It is only natural that we seek to make our disparate bodies whole, as God intended.”

 

When asked about the church’s long-term goals for Masonic integration, Elder Joe explained that recognition in Utah was only the beginning: “Of course we want to make this change at a global scale. We see the LDS Church fitting in very well in the York Rite chain of appendant bodies, and we will be contacting the Grand Encampment of Knights Templar to explore this further. As the Book of Mormon is the natural capstone to the Christian Bible, so should the LDS Church be the capstone to the ‘Christian’ branch of Freemasonry.” However, Elder Joe added that the inclusion of the LDS Church in the York Rite would necessitate some changes in practices on the part of the GEKT: “Naturally, any man who wants to join the LDS Church as a Masonic appendant body must go through the Knights Templar orders first — provided the GEKT stops serving wine during the Order of the Temple. We simply can’t budge on that one.”

 

Elder Joe appeared unfazed when he was questioned on the possibility of the shared organizational modes of recognition arising due to Joseph Smith’s affiliation with Freemasonry prior to founding the Church. “That makes complete sense!” Elder Joe exclaimed, “Naturally, Brother Joseph imparted his secrets to Freemasonry in its infancy, ensuring the two organizations would carry on his divine inspiration!”

 

This writer of The Past Bastard remains cautiously optimistic about the ability of the LDS Church to provide a substantial contributions to Freemasonry as a whole. In fact, if the church ever re-institutes the doctrine of polygamy or practice of plural marriage, it might very well singlehandedly bring women’s bodies and youth organizations back from the brink of extinction.

 

The Grand Lodge of Utah did not immediately return calls requesting comment.

 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Rediscovering Freemasonry at the Knights of Columbus

New Haven, CT -- Tired, frustrated, and disenchanted with the culture of title chasers, antiquated mindsets, and back room politicking, many young Masons who once felt disenfranchised at their lodges have managed to find a new wellspring of religious tolerance, fraternal bonding, morality, and friendship. 

The twist: All of this is happening at the Knights of Columbus.

I met up with fellow TPB reporter Dionysius Bacchus in the home city of the KofC, where we were invited to check out a “council,” (the KofC equivalent of a lodge) during one of their frequent fellowship evenings.

“We aren’t bound by the strict, and often arbitrary rules set by the state masonic Grand Lodge,” explained Bill Theodore, our guide for the evening. A Past Master of Excellence Lodge No. 102 AF& AM in West Haven, Bill joined Adventure Council several years ago after discovering that he had nothing much to do after serving for three years in his Masonic Lodge. “Once I went through the chairs, there were already so many other Past Masters, that my input wasn’t really needed. I was bored, and I’d heard about how the Knights were re-discovering Masonry, so I joined,” he said. “Since then, I’ve truly understood what Freemasonry is about.”

Indeed, most of the members coming over from the Blue Lodges are happy to find that they use their meeting time productively. Minutes are kept to a bare minimum, since the members get an emailed copy to review before the meeting. The rest of the time is spent working on character development, moral and philosophical discussions, and planning the next pancake breakfast.

“Pancake breakfast?” asked Dionysius. 

“That’s the one thing that no fraternal organization can get away from, it seems,” remarked WB Theodore. “But the other aspects are enough to make up for it. We have some great degree rehearsals, so nobody looks like they don’t know what they’re doing, or keeps forgetting their lines. And after the meetings, we can go downstairs and have a beer together over some pizza.”

Many Masonic lodges are “dry,” in the sense that they do not allow alcohol on the premises. And since New Haven is famous for its pizza, it’s no wonder that the brothers enjoy staying a bit longer for some fellowship.

My fellow reporter and I were quite comfortable listening to the almost-but-not-quite Preston Webb opening rituals, and we were pleased to see that the minutes and old business were kept to under five minutes. There was a discussion about the place of the Freema..., er, the Knights in the community, some news about an upcoming degree, and a presentation about the similarities between the Scottish Rite and the Catholic Church. The meeting ended, and we all headed to the bar downstairs, where we tasted some local pie and micro-brew while chatting with our new friends. On the way out, we both purchased raffle tickets, another fund raiser that is not generally allowed in Masonic circles.

On the way back to the airport, Bro. Dionysius and I chatted about our evening. He noted that their lod..., er, council was one of the best lodges he had ever been to; and we both agreed that despite the name, there was no question that we had experienced some fantastic Freemasonry.

“And the best part is that they wear the same plumey hats as our Knights Templars,” said WB Dionysius. “Why, you’d almost forget which organization you were in.”

-  Dionysius Bacchus III
- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Scottish Rite to Unify for "Scottish Rite Day" in November - Separate but Equal No More

Washington, DC—Valleys all over the United States are starting to send out notifications to their membership regarding the first ever Scottish Rite Day, which will take place on November 12^th, 2016. In this historic move the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction and the Southern Jurisdiction will come together for a day of celebration and unity. This event represents a significant shift in atmospherics in the Scottish Rite given the often unmentioned tensions which have historically existed between the two “separate but equal” organizations.

There will be many amazing things happening that day, the least of which will be a series of statewide 32^nd degree conferrals and a new Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Jewel which features no delineation between either jurisdiction. 

The Past Bastard reached out to the PR reps for both organizations, who explained: “…the jewels were initially struck when the organizations decided on a policy of mutual forgiveness. The Northern Masonic Jurisdiction forgave the Southern Jurisdiction for not using the word “Masonic” in their title, and the Southern Jurisdiction forgave the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction for existing altogether. This act of mutual forgiveness spawned a plan to unify the bodies into one.”

Negotiations for a larger unification effort reportedly fell apart when members on both Supreme Councils “realized there could only be one Sovereign Grand Commander.” However, in true brotherly fashion, the Scottish Rite jurisdictions brought order from chaos when they decided to keep the date anyway and notionally celebrate the Scottish Rite as a whole. A spokesperson for the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction commented: "We couldn't just drop the event altogether because we have a contract with Netflix to produce a documentary on the unification effort. Nonetheless, this event is a good way to 'test the waters' and gauge interest for a greater unification effort."

While these jurisdictions might not ever see eye-to-eye, The Past Bastard is certain that this first stab at unification is sure to be a completely underwhelming event with an attendance somewhere in the tens in valleys all over the country.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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New Years Initiative: Lodge Offers $1.00 Dues to Men Who Just Want the Association

Seattle, WA - Newberry Lodge is among a few in the district who are offering a new initiative. While lodge dues are going up all over the nation, Newberry’s are going down…for some. In a landmark move Newberry is offering $1.00 dues to men who have been long time members but do not attend.

John S. Ward, Worshipful Master said “We know they're out there, and we know they value the membership, but they don’t attend. So why make them pay for all the amazing things we’re doing in a lodge? They just want the membership, so they can pay for the $1.00 version.” Members taking on the $1.00 membership will of course get what they paid for, that being email notifications, robo-calls and a special dues card which signifies their member status or tier.

The idea of tiered Masonry is somewhat of a new concept that's being put in place. Members on the $1.00 plan will have restrictions, for instance; they must donate the required amount before eating, are not invited to special dinners and can not visit other lodges. “Folks complain about the dues being high, but they aren’t here to see what we do, so if they don’t see the value, they don’t want to pay for it. This solves it.” said WB. Ward.

Some members have complained that this is "unbrotherly", the idea of a tiered system, but when the lodge invited them to come out for the vote, they didn’t show.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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USDA Closes Masonic Factory Farm For Widespread Initiatic Experience Abuse

  

INDIANAPOLIS - On November 6th, the Grand Lodge of Indiana and the Indianapolis Valley of Scottish Rite, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, were cited by the United States Department of Agriculture’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service for initiatic abuse violations. APHIS claims that the Grand Lodge and Valley used such abusive practices as profane to 32° in weekend classes and degrees done by video presentations.

“It was pretty horrible,” explained Horace Mann, Assistant Administrator of the AC Eastern Regional Office, “I mean, we have factory farms that broach the line on initiatic abuse all the time. States that employ so-called Grand Master’s classes, Blue Lightning degrees, One Day Classes. But nothing in my 30 years of experience prepared me for what I witnessed. Flagrant non-proficiency, glazed-over eyes, sore backs and bottoms. The degree work and other events were more than 24 hours, cumulative. Just terrible conditions for young, aspirationally minded men to endure.”

The United States Chamber of Freemasonry, a Grand Lodge think tank, released a statement of support. “The data doesn’t lie. Consistently, men who are brought into Freemasonry in either manner, whether it be a one day format or in a more traditional format, have the same rate of retention. Men are busy. What they want is a title and that’s what Freemasonry can provide. And let’s face it, if the lodges would just do their own work, instead of relying on their constituent Grand Lodges to do everything, we wouldn’t need one day classes.”

“Freemasonry is a product, one that can be better served to interested men quickly. If we’re going to keep the lights on, we’ll need quantity, not quality, to accomplish that.”

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

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Santa Claus won’t be coming to this Masonic Lodge in Southern California, but it’s not for the reason you might think.

Santa Monica, CA -- Members of Crossfit Lodge No. 787 -- one of the newest “affinity” or special interest lodges that have been springing up around the state -- have a most unique problem that has cropped up this holiday season. They don’t have any members who can play a convincing Santa Claus for the upcoming children’s Christmas party.

Formed last year as a special interest lodge in which the members are typically dedicated “primal fitness” aficionados, the lodge meets in a “box” (the Crossfit® term for their indoor gym) that doubles as their workout space. Worshipful Master John “Jack” LaLane presides from a weight lifting cage, and the Wardens (Senior and Junior “Spotters”) assist while seated on a rowing machine, and an L-sit station, respectively. Members push a bench press station to the center of the box for their altar, and during the meeting, sit on the supply of truck tires strewn about the room. Festive boards and libations generally consist of Clif bars, Gatorade, and Muscle Milk.

When asked about membership, WB LaLane told us that the members are charged $49.99, payable monthly, and billed to their credit cards. “We started with about a dozen guys last year,” he told us, “but we’ve almost doubled in size already.” He paused, “That is, we’ve got twice the membership. Size-wise, we’re actually down an average of 8 pounds per person.” When asked about how new members are brought in, he winked, “We usually have them hooked up to the seated cable machine. You know, because of the cable *rows,* get it?”

“Our biggest problem is that we decided to have a Christmas party for the kids of the members, and we realized that nobody here could play a convincing Santa Claus,”  WB LaLane told The Past Bastard. “It’s crazy, right?” he said  “I mean, every lodge has a cadre of old, fat, bearded guys who could play Santa at the drop of a hat. But our lodge so far only has younger, fit guys. We don’t know what to do.”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Grand Master of Arizona Confers Jurisdiction's Highest Masonic Award. You’ll Never Guess On Whom.

Phoenix, AZ--On Saturday, Freemasons from across the state of Arizona made a pilgrimage to Phoenix to the annual Grand Lodge Convocation to purchase overpriced Masonic swag, attend tedious meetings, usher in the next iteration of the progressive grand line and, perhaps most importantly, witness the Grand Master’s conferral of the “Hiram Award for Masonic Lifetime Achievement” on a worthy brother. Speculation as to this year’s recipient was a topic of hot debate leading up to the convocation, past recipients having included the likes of actor John Wayne, senator Barry Goldwater, and creator of the bolo tie James-Robert Peuderschmidt.

The hot debate over this year’s recipient turned to shock as Most Worshipful Joe Snow took the stage and announced that, this year, he would be conferring the Hiram Award on none other than the current Grand Master of Arizona--himself! “When it comes down to it,” MW Snow explained, “I realized that I have done more for Masonry than anyone in this jurisdiction--especially this year. I truly could not think of anyone more deserving to receive this award. Please join me in giving myself a hand!” 
 

Brother Jim Johnson-Dreisenbock, Worshipful Master of Durka Durka Lodge in Douglas, AZ, expressed his support to The Past Bastard: “Frankly I’m surprised Most Worshipful hadn’t already received that award. Usually, our Grand Lodge Officers make it a habit to confer awards on fellow Grand Line members. While I had hoped that this year Most Worshipful would have bucked that trend by choosing a lesser Grand Line member like his Administrative Assistant or Official Photographer, I ultimately can’t argue with his choice.”

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Masonic Alien Implants Interfere with Critical Thinking Skills

Denver, CO--New research at Denver International Airport Medical Laboratories has shown indications that the alien-technology implants given to new Master Masons may interfere with the area of the brain that is used for critical thinking skills. The accidental discovery was made only in recent weeks, despite the evidence that was readily available in the mandatory census charts required by every major Grand Lodge.

The process remains a mystery, although some preliminary investigation suggests that the implants - donated decades ago by the Zeta Reticulans as a gesture of peace - may interfere with the electrical signals in that area of the brain, resulting in atrophied use of those synapses.

The discovery has also led to questioning the atrophy in the area of the brain that controls the sense of humor in Past Masters, District Officers, and Grand Lodge Officers. Masonic historians, however, have pointed out that records going back several centuries indicate that the sense of humor often atrophies in Past Masters, and that the phenomena predates the use of implants.

-Bro. Conte Galvino Gliostro

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"Special" Pancakes Bring in Record Donations at Colorado Lodge

Climax, CO--Phoenix Lodge #167 broke donation records this past weekend after word got out that they would be serving "special" pancakes at their upcoming Saturday morning pancake breakfast fundraiser. As of 7:00AM Saturday, a line of hungry Coloradoans eager to sample the lodge's culinary wares stretched around the block. Many patrons sported bloodshot eyes, most likely from getting up early, The Past Bastard concludes.

The lodge enjoyed resounding success that continued on throughout the morning, especially due to repeat customers who couldn't get enough of the fellowship and atmosphere. A few newcomers even expressed great interest in seeing the Lodge's "blazing" star in the Lodge room. When asked what makes Phoenix Lodge's pancakes so irresistible, Senior Steward Jay Highly bluntly stated, "it's a Masonic secret."  


Similar fundraising successes have been reported in lodges holden under the Grand Lodge of Washington D.C., but rarely in other jurisdictions. While Phoenix Lodge succeeded in raising enough money to finance its new organic greenhouse, opening up the lodge to the public resulted in a missing pot of incense. Notwithstanding, The Past Bastard hopes other lodges throughout the country adopt the lessons learned by these "highly successful" Masonic fundraising entrepreneurs.

-Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

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Breaking News! Overnight Masonic Satire Sensation Inspires Copycat Antics; Masonry is Doomed

Tampa, FL--The Past Bastard has received breaking news that the overnight Masonic news satire sensation (that'd be us) has officially inspired others to take up the front lines of the fight against all Masons who simply take themselves, and others, way too seriously. "Coach" John Nagy, Masonic author, social media guru, and The Past Bastard satire enthusiast has released his own article entitled "Membership Decline Linked to Climate Change" on his blog Building Better Builders!

SK Mason Burhmaster, Managing Editor for The Past Bastard made the following statement: "We at The Past Bastard laud any attempt to call attention to eccentricities of the Craft through cleverness and humor; however, Brother Nagy's attempt to correlate Masonic membership to bodily-produced greenhouse gases was simply too full of 'hot air' to appeal to a large readership. Notwithstanding, it is a pleasure to see the 'winds' of change taking shape in the Masonic blogosphere."

Brother Reginald Farquar, featured writer of The Past Bastard also chimed in, "...wait, what? Why are you bothering me? I didn't even have time to write my own bio for the site. Why on earth would you think I'd have time to talk about what some other guy wrote about greenhouse gas? I drive a Hummer."

Regardless of whether you prefer to stand upwind or downwind of Brother Nagy's humorous antics, one thing is for certain: Masonic satire, much like the occasional putrid fart, is destined to hang around for the time being. Brother Nagy's full article can be viewed on his blog, Building Better Builders!

-Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III

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Well-dressed Man Put on Trial by Lodge; Charged with 'Engaging in Metrosexual Behavior'

Macon, GA--The Past Bastard has learned that a local fashion enthusiast is facing Masonic charges after repeated violations of his local Masonic lodge dress code. Joe Snow, member of Simpleton Lodge No. 2 1/2, insisted on dressing up to attend lodge, reportedly in direct contravention of lodge code. Bro. Snow is being charged with "engaging in and advocating support of metrosexual behavior," an offense punishable by expulsion. Jim Snow, Worshipful Master of Simpleton Lodge explained, "Brother Joe's behavior is inexcusable. He insisted on wearing three-piece suits to lodge when our dress code is known to be bib overalls, and t-shirts only for degrees. God didn't make Adam and Eve wear suits! Neither should we! Brother Snow is breaking divine sartorial law. He deserves to be expelled."

The Past Bastard caught up with Joe as the situation unfolded. He explained: "I've been in love with fashion for as long as I can remember. I've tried adhering to the dress code, but for me it's who I am, not a choice I make."

Traditional Observances lodges across the country have aired their support for brother Snow. Johnathan Smith, member of Traditional Lodge No. 1 in Winchester, Kentucky, called out against the perceived injustice: "In today's society, sartorial law differs greatly from Biblical times. We must accept that there just isn't a divine standard for men's clothing in this day and age. As long as you don't force me to wear your clothes, I'm fine with whatever you choose to adorn yourself with."

The Past Bastard will continue to bring updates as this story unfolds. For now, the writers are sure of one thing: It shouldn't matter what clothes you wear, so far as you wear them--for it is well known that "no nudist can be made a Mason." 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Reading of the Minutes Causes Appreciation for Life

Blacksburg, VA—Masons gather to attend the monthly stated meeting with excitement. “These meetings provide us our real purpose as Masons, reflection.” Said John Sampson, Chairman of the lodge’s membership retention committee. While lodges around the country struggle with retaining young members due to the lack of education and personal development, this lodge has seemed to figure it out.

“The key is in the reading and approving of the minutes.” says Worshipful Master, Terry Finkle. We at the Past Bastard asked a few new Master Masons their thoughts on this new way of thinking, “Well, reading the minutes is so painful, it causes real reflection, I’m grateful. It’s so horrible, that I think about my outside life and I appreciate it, I think about all the things I take for granted.” Another member said “When I’m having a bad day, I just think about those minutes and how unbearable it is. “At least I’m not sitting through the minutes.” has become my daily mantra, especially when I have to go to the bathroom and I’m stuck in traffic. Reading the minutes is as Esoteric as you can get.”

Perhaps this new way of looking at things can change your perspective on the minutes. Perhaps it can be that reflection and inner work your members are looking for. Perhaps reading the minutes is the new self-flagellation. This is one reporter who will try out this new technique, it sure beats thinking about blowing my brains out. Can I have a motion to accept this report? Can I get a second?

Dr. Worshipful Chaz Nagler, 49°

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Study: Chambers of Reflection Provide No Rebirth

WASHINGTON - The United States Chamber of Freemasonry, a non-profit Masonic research group based in Washington, DC, has determined that there is no marked change in a candidate’s state of mind after he experiences a chamber of reflection before his initiation. “We have found that a man who petitions a lodge does not change from the moment he enters the chamber to when he begins the degree work,“ states lead researcher Frederick Larson, adding, “in fact, most find the chamber to be ‘weird’ and ‘off-putting’.” When asked what most candidates found resulted in a complete rebirth to his individual mind and soul, Dr. Larson responded, “pancakes and Masonic youth groups. It’s really that simple.”

The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

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Police Officer Investigates Domestic Disturbance at Local Masonic Lodge; Elected Steward

Poughkeepsie, NY--A police officer found the surprise of his life Friday night while investigating a reported domestic disturbance at a local Masonic lodge as he was immediately elected to the position of Junior Steward and ordered by the Master to go downstairs and wash dishes. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Hideaway Lodge No. 34 explained: "We were in the middle of our monthly stated meeting quarreling with some of the past masters on who was going to clean up downstairs after the meeting. This officer burst in and problem solved! If he does well, maybe in a couple of months we'll promote him to tiler." 

Officer Nick Campbell-Smith expressed his amazement and disbelief: "I usually wash dishes at home, so it's no big deal. Just wasn't expecting this. I mean--I'm not even a member of the lodge!" Residents of Poughkeepsie can sleep easier tonight knowing that the only further disturbances from Hideaway Lodge will be the murmuring of various Past Masters as they complain that "that's now how dishes were done in my year."

-SK. Bro Mason Burhmaster

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God Kills Candidate for Using Wrong VSL

Pope County, Arkansas—Police and fire crews responded to an apparent explosion Friday evening at McDoodle Lodge #137, as a man was literally smote by God. The reason? “We asked him which Volume of Sacred Law he preferred on the altar for his obligation, he said he would prefer to use the Bagvadhgita.” Moments later, eye witnesses reported a sound of thunder and the man in question exploding.

Like a scene right out of “This is Spinal Tap”, when the band talked of their famed drummer rumored to have “…just exploded.”, not much was left but a few globules. When reached out for comment the Master of the lodge, Nick Florentino had this to say-- “I can only assume he chose the wrong VSL, around here, we use the St. James Bible, and God made that clear today.”

The fire chief and police investigators were at a loss but did say that “…this kind of thing happens from time to time, especially in the bible belt. There’s just no room for alternate view points down here.” The man’s family could not be reached for comment. The lodge will hold a “clean up day” to remove all traces of God’s handiwork. Remember, before they pick the VSL of their choice, ask them another question... "WWJD?"

The Bagvadhgita is a holy book used by countless Hindus in religious practices and contains an extremely rich history.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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