MOVPER IS ON THE MOVE; GROTTO REBRANDS "POOR MAN'S SHRINE" IMAGE (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers are currently being sued for unpaid Mexican hospital bills, and have decided to stay off social media for a short time. We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they get back. -- the unpaid interns.)

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 

“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”

White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.

“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”

When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro

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MOVPER is on the MOVE; Grotto Rebrands "Poor Man's Shrine" Image

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 

“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”

White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.

“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”

When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Shrine Announces Partnership with Sea World; Changes Motto to "Fun with a Porpoise"

Tampa, FL--On Monday morning, Shriners International announced its intention to partner with Sea World to improve the quality of life of children undergoing treatment in Shriners Hospitals for Children in Florida, Texas, and California. Shriners International will initially partner with Sea World Orlando to provide low or no-cost chaperoned excursions to Sea World; however, the organization plans to expand partnerships to Sea World San Antonio and Sea World San Diego in the near future. Shriners International concurrently announced official plans to change the organization's motto from "Fun with a Purpose" to "Fun with a Porpoise" to better reflect this endeavor going forward.


Noble Joe Snow, a Shriner in the Tampa area applauded this new venture: "When it comes to the Shrine, it's all about the kids. Have you ever seen a kid who didn't love dolphins? It's a no-brainer!" Not everyone was amused, however. Johnathan Smith, head clown of Durka Durka Shrine Temple in Tucson, AZ fumed: "Way to take the easy route right there! The truth is, we've never met a kid who actually likes clowns; but everybody likes Flipper! Heck, they even go nuts for Shamu! I don't want to see the clown unit die off out of internal competition. We're the heart of the Shrine. If we die, the Shrine dies!"

Shriners Hospitals for Children is changing lives every day through innovative pediatric specialty care, world-class research and outstanding medical education. Twenty-two locations in the United States, Canada and Mexico, provide advanced care for children with orthopaedic conditions, burns, spinal cord injuries and cleft lip and palate.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Shriners On Parade Mistaken for Doctor Who Fan Club

Astoria, OR--A recent Main St. parade, frequented by the town's most active social clubs and small businesses, brought out the multitude of crowds from all over the county. The local Shrine Divan marched proudly, displaying the colors, banners and of course, wearing their trademark regalia--The Fez. Smiles abound as the jolly men cruised around in their mini-corvettes. There was some disappointment however as there were only a few of the famed small cars due to the strict emission standards of the local community.

The real party started when hundreds of bystanders spotted the ocean of fezzes and assumed it was a Doctor Who Fan Club. The crowds took to the parade and the Shriners, and when asked about membership in the Doctor Who Fan Club, members of the Shrine cheerfully handed out petitions. When asked for comment, the Potentate said "...by the time they figure out what they joined, it's be too late, this will be good for membership."

One Doctor Who fan, Daniel Miles, showed real excitement for the parade saying,  "This is just so great! It's great to see all these "Whovians" out in force, I don't know what's up with those small cars though, personally I would have had a few homemade Daleks."

This is one reporter who will keep wearing his bow ties...."Don't Blink"

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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