MOVPER IS ON THE MOVE; GROTTO REBRANDS "POOR MAN'S SHRINE" IMAGE (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers are currently being sued for unpaid Mexican hospital bills, and have decided to stay off social media for a short time. We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they get back. -- the unpaid interns.)

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 

“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”

White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.

“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”

When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Shrine subgroup experiences surge in membership interest from an unusual source

Fenton, MO - The Past Bastard has learned that an invite-only Shrine subgroup known as the Order of Quetzalcoatl--Q for short--have received a surge of membership interest from an usual source. According to sources out of the Order of Quetzalcoatl headquarters in Missouri, since late 2017 public inquiries into the Order have increased tenfold from an unlikely source: right wing conspiracy theorists concerned with deep state conspiracies against U.S. President Donald Trump. Joe Snow, Master Artisan and spokesperson for the Supreme Q, expressed his confusion in an interview with The Past Bastard: "I really don't understand it. We get all these calls from Trump supporters asking us if we're QAnon. I mean, yes we're the Q and we don't publicly post our membership rosters so I guess we're somewhat anonymous if that's what they mean. When they press us for more information, we try to tell them that membership is by invitation only and they usually start going off on some deep state conspiracy to bring down the Trump White House."

Joe Snow finished his interview with The Past Bastard by stating that, regardless of whether or not outsiders are propagating a case of mistaken identity, the Q are grateful for the surge of interest in their organization: "One thing that these 'QAnon believers,' as they call themselves, are always interested in is worldwide child trafficking. We're always happy to talk about that because our organization's major philanthropy is the transportation fund that helps our Shriner kids get to and from our hospitals. It makes me feel good to know that even conspiracy theorists are interested in helping kids get the care they need."

QAnon is a conspiracy theory which began with an October 2017 post on 4chan by someone using the handle "Q." The theory details a supposedly secret conspiracy by a "deep state" against President Trump and his supporters. The conspiracy theory has falsely accused numerous Hollywood actors, politicians, and other high-ranking officials of engaging in an international child trafficking ring.

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Shriners International disbands Clown Units amid nationwide clown scare

Tampa, FL - In the wake of the 2016 "Great Clown Scare" that has left hundreds of people terrified and dozens of clowns injured across the United States, Shriners International made a public announcement this morning announcing the immediate disbanding of all Shrine-affiliated Clown Units. Noble Joe Snow, Director of Corporate Communications for Shriners International, explained the events that led to this decision: "As you all are acutely aware, since August creepy clowns have been menacing Americans across the country. In some instances, violence has ensued. We stood firm when Anonymous threatened to dox us, but things have gotten out of hand. The onus is on Shriners International  to not contribute to the rising mass hysteria. As a result, effective immediately, all Shrine-affiliated Clown Units are hereby disbanded."

As expected, this news was met with great public outcry on the part of Nobles across the United States who see the Clown Units as part of an ancient, sacred tradition. In response, Units across the country have threatened to go underground, or even break away from Shriners International altogether.

While this announcement came as a shock to many, some Shriners saw it coming. Noble Jim-Bob Snowjob, from Durka Durka Shrine Temple in Bluefield, West Virginia, made the following observation: "It makes sense to me. Many 'muricans find Shriners creepy even when they don't dress up like clowns. 'Specially them Jesters folk. Billy-Joe down the street was dressed up as Bubbles the Tramp last month for the Labor Day Parade and he got chased almost outta' town when the townfolk mistook him for one of them maniac clowns that's been terrorizing the young 'uns 'cross the country."

Perhaps most unsettling was the fact that this announcement left thousands of Shriners across the country without a suitable Halloween costume this year. During his announcement, Noble Joe Snow specifically cautioned those now-former Clown Unit members against donning their costumes and attempting to take part in Halloween festivities: "Shriners International strongly encourages all Nobles to refrain from dressing in contraband [read: clown] attire this Halloween, especially if you intend to imbibe alcohol or any other substance that might lower your inhibitions and make you a target for anti-clown mobs"

While this writer of The Past Bastard seems to have his coulrophobia in check at the moment, he wholeheartedly agrees with one thing: this creepy clown situation isn't funny.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Royal Order of Jesters announces new, family-friendly mascot to rebrand image

Indianapolis, IN - The secretive Shriner sub-organization known as the Royal Order of Jesters (ROJ) has announced its intent to return to the public eye and rebrand its image as a family-friendly organization by dropping its iconic Billiken imagery and replacing it with a new, kid-friendly mascot named "Jesterbear." Noble Richard Prick, Executive Director of the Royal Order of Jesters, gave the organization's first public interview in years exclusively to the writers of The Past Bastard." We as an organization are at a crossroads," Noble Richard explained, "Our great fraternity is shrinking more and more each day, and unless we get back into the public eye, the ROJ will ultimately cease to exist. We need to remember that, as Shriners and ultimately Freemasons first, we need to be champions of good will to all we meet. We can't lurk in the shadows any longer."

When The Past Bastard asked Noble Richard why the organization decided to do a complete rebranding initiative, his answer was simple: "We've had some serious missteps in the past, and we've wronged a lot of good people. But no more. As the old practices of this organization have died, the old brand that represented those practices needs to die as well. Mirth can still be king, but we need to extend our joy and good will to our families and friends. That's why we came up with Jesterbear, the face of the new and improved Royal Order of Jesters organization!"

Jesterbear, the ROJ's new mascot

When asked "Why Jesterbear?", Noble Richard explained: "We wanted our image to be something cuddly, like a teddy bear! Admittedly, none of us here at the ROJ National Office are terribly computer literate, but we took to the "Ask Jeeves" internet search engine to search for a good cartoon bear we could model our mascot after. We found one that fit our new image perfectly, added some ROJ flair, and there you have it! We've tested the new mascot out with a couple small groups, and one thing is clear: Jesterbear is a hit with the kids!"


Noble Richard closed out our interview by discussing his organization's next steps toward inclusivity: "We want to get out side-by-side with our the rest of the Shrine clubs. You can expect to see the Jesters marching in the local Halloween parades, or working with local Shepherds Units to transport children to area Shriner's Hospitals. In fact, I'd encourage each and every Shriner out there to take the initiative to ask your local Shrine Temple Recorder how you can get involved with the ROJ!"

The first large-scale family event the ROJ will be organizing is reportedly a fishing trip off of Lake Michigan. "If that goes well," explained Noble Richard, "we'll see if we can't get a larger one organized for a more exotic destination like Brazil. I've heard the fishing there is downright spectacular. All in all, we've been extremely blessed as an organization to get a fresh start like this. The Royal Order of Jesters is here to stay, and we're lucky to have Jesterbear to lead the way!"

- Exalted Patron Dr. Dorian Dalton

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Grand Lodge of Arkansas suspends entire Grand Line

Black Rock, AR -- In a flurry of executive leadership activity over the past week, the Grand Lodge of Arkansas has suspended or expelled every member of the Grand Lodge with the exception of Stella Campbell, the Grand Lodge receptionist.  

"I really can't tell you what all the fuss was about," said Mrs. Campbell, Past Worthy Matron of Beyonce Chapter No. 737, OES. "There was some men in here, you know those grand Shrine mucky-mucks, and there was a lot of yelling and stomping around, and there were yelling about license plates, and then the phone calls started, and next thing you know my car is the only one in the parking lot, and there's a note saying 'Stella, you're in charge.'"

Relocation crews removing items from the
Grand Lodge of Arkansas building earlier this week

Vying with West Virginia for the title of "The North Korea of American Freemasonry," the Grand Lodge of Arkansas has been rife with animosity and Masonic politics for the last few years, but as the GM has issued a gag order on all Masons from that jurisdiction, few reports have been substantiated. 

Chris Hodapp has reported on various aspects of the turmoil within the Grand Lodge of Arkansas, but unfortunately has not been at liberty to discuss any of the details which Arkansas Masons have smuggled out of the state. 

With the next election of the Grand Line still some months away, Worthy Matron Stella Campbell appears to be running what is left of the Grand Lodge. "It's a good thing we installed that fax machine last year," she said. "Now I can just fax the same statement over and over. It would have been a major pain in the you-know-where if I had to tell people over the phone several times a day that all of the officers have suspended themselves."

=====

Edit:
In our rush to get this story to print ahead of Chris Hodapp, one of our interns inadvertently inserted a picture of the MWPH Grand Lodge. Since our intern was not aware that some Grand Lodges are not in amity with their Prince Hall counterparts, it was an understandable, if embarrassing mistake.
There was no intention to cast aspersions upon any of our Prince Hall brethren.

The Past Bastard sincerely regrets the error.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Grand Royal Arch Chapter of Colorado Adopts Keystone Light as Official Beverage

Golden, CO - The Most Excellent Grand Royal Arch Chapter of Colorado has been making waves in the Masonic community by its decision to adopt the alcoholic beverage Keystone Light as their official beverage. Companions of Spirituous Chapter No. 5 Royal Arch Masons of Colorado cheered as kegs of brew arrived from the Molson Coors Brewing Company at the conclusion of their Most Excellent Grand High Priest Official Visit earlier this week.

Companion Joe Snow, Excellent High Priest of Spirituous Chapter, explained, “...most associate the Shrine with alcohol, but we’re here to tell the world that companions of the Holy Royal Arch can have fun too!”

When questioned about the Grand Chapter’s peculiar choice in beverage, a spokesperson for the Grand Chapter explained: “We are fully aware of the perception of the lack of quality of Keystone Light. We chose it knowing most brethren find it inferior to craft brews. We felt it only fitting that the ‘[Key]stone the builders rejected’ should be elevated to become the ‘capstone’ of all Colorado Royal Arch festivities.”

The Grand Chapter has high hopes that their announcement will boost chapter membership numbers and better publicize the Royal Arch across Colorado. A spokesperson for the Grand Chapter commented: “We are working out a deal with Molson Coors to drop Keystone Light’s blue packaging and bring the original, iconic red packaging that accompanied Keystone beer when it was first released in 1989 back home from exile.”

--Bro Dionysius Bacchus III

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MOVPER is on the MOVE; Grotto Rebrands "Poor Man's Shrine" Image

Damascus, OH -- Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization. 

“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”

White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.

“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”

When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”

-Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Breaking News! Anonymous Puts Shrine in Crosshairs; Announces Plans to Release Clown Unit Member Information Nationwide

Tampa, FL--On Friday, the self-proclaimed "hacktivist" group known as Anonymous announced its intention to release the personal information of Shriners International Clown Unit members across the country. In a press release uploaded to YouTube, Anonymous directly addressed Shriners International, stating: "We have followed your Clown Units for years. We have watched you men put on makeup, wear ragged clothing, and proceed to scare children and adults alike throughout the United States. Clowns are the stuff of nightmares. You are the stuff of nightmares. This will not stand. The world deserves to know your names."

Noble Joe Snow, head of the Clown Unit at Durka Durka Shrine Temple in downtown Tampa, expressed his dismay: "I just don't understand it. Sure, we know the kids don't actually like the clowns. Actually, they run away screaming more often than not. But we've always had the clown unit. We can't break from tradition for anyone, no matter what the threat."

Anonymous failed to disclose when the group would release their treasure trove of information, but one thing is for certain: Anonymous and the Shrine can both agree that the situation most certainly isn’t funny.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Shrine Announces Partnership with Sea World; Changes Motto to "Fun with a Porpoise"

Tampa, FL--On Monday morning, Shriners International announced its intention to partner with Sea World to improve the quality of life of children undergoing treatment in Shriners Hospitals for Children in Florida, Texas, and California. Shriners International will initially partner with Sea World Orlando to provide low or no-cost chaperoned excursions to Sea World; however, the organization plans to expand partnerships to Sea World San Antonio and Sea World San Diego in the near future. Shriners International concurrently announced official plans to change the organization's motto from "Fun with a Purpose" to "Fun with a Porpoise" to better reflect this endeavor going forward.


Noble Joe Snow, a Shriner in the Tampa area applauded this new venture: "When it comes to the Shrine, it's all about the kids. Have you ever seen a kid who didn't love dolphins? It's a no-brainer!" Not everyone was amused, however. Johnathan Smith, head clown of Durka Durka Shrine Temple in Tucson, AZ fumed: "Way to take the easy route right there! The truth is, we've never met a kid who actually likes clowns; but everybody likes Flipper! Heck, they even go nuts for Shamu! I don't want to see the clown unit die off out of internal competition. We're the heart of the Shrine. If we die, the Shrine dies!"

Shriners Hospitals for Children is changing lives every day through innovative pediatric specialty care, world-class research and outstanding medical education. Twenty-two locations in the United States, Canada and Mexico, provide advanced care for children with orthopaedic conditions, burns, spinal cord injuries and cleft lip and palate.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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