Grand Master Finds New Masons are Disillusioned with Titles (repost)

(Note: The Past Bastard writers have been hospitalized from stomach infections as a result of eating tequila worms. We are republishing some of their favorite articles until they return. -- the unpaid interns)

Knockemstiff, OH - Illustrious and Most Worshipful Grand Master (MWGM) of Ohio Masons Bobby Bill, Jr., 33°, Knights of the York Court of Honour (KYCH), Knight Commander of the Court of

Honor (KCCH), Past Imperial Potentate (PIP) of the Oriental Shrine, Past Grand High Priest (PGHP) of Royal Arch Masons in Ohio, Past Right Eminent Grand Commander of The Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon (aka Knights Templar), Chief Adept of the Ohio College of the Societas Rosicruciana in Civitatibus Foederatis (SRICF), Most Illustrious Companion, Past Sovereign Grand Master of the Allied Masonic Degrees, Sovereign Grand Commander of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, Past Worthy Grand Patron of the Ohio Grand Chapter of Order of the Eastern Star, Supreme Imperial Turtle Emeritus of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Turtles, Past Grand Chancellor of the Grand College of Rites of the United States of America, First Grand Master Mason of the the Worshipful Society of Free Masons, Rough Masons, Wallers, Slaters, Paviors, Plaisterers, and Bricklayers (The Operatives), Provincial Grand Master of the Masonic Order of Athelstan, KSM, Past Sovereign Grand Preceptor of the Sovereign Order of Knights Preceptor, Honorary Past Commander-General of the Masonic Order of the Bath in the United States of America, Past Provincial Grand Master of the Royal Order of Scotland, Past Grand Preceptor of the Grand College of America Holy Royal Arch Knight Templar Priests (HRAKTP), Past Director of Muskingum Court No. 66 Royal Order of Jesters (ROJ), Past Grand Master of the Independent Order of Odd Fellows (IOOF) Grand Lodge of Ohio, Past Grand Monarch of the Mystic Order of Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm (MOVPER), Past Sovereign Grand Master of the National Sovereign Sanctuary Ancient and Primitive Rite of Memphis-Misraim for the United States and Jurisdictions, Past Grand Royal Patron of the Order of the Amaranth Grand Court of Ohio, Past Supreme Tall Cedar of the Supreme Forest Tall Cedars of Lebanon of North America, wonders why new Masons are disillusioned by titles.

 - Knight Kadeuch Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚, of the Mediocre Elu

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Federal Dept. of Fraternal Societies releases marketing data

Aurora, CO -- Officials at the Federal Department of Fraternal Societies have released new data that show the relative “masonicness” of popular items purchased by Freemasons. The information will be helpful for marketers in Masonic supply catalogs  in order to properly manage their buying and advertising resources.

“It’s hard to keep up with the trends of Freemasons, sometimes,” said Luther Pendragon, Masonic Marketing Director at Macoy Masonic Supply. “Some years they go crazy for colored lapel pins. Then those fall out of favor, and we’re stuck with a warehouse full of pins, while the guys are sporting Square and Compass belt buckles, or whatever. That’s why this government research is important to us.”

The Past Bastard checked in with several other Masonic suppliers. Larry George, Masonic Purchasing Manager at JP Luther & Co told us “Freemasons tend to be fickle or faddish, but we do see the same things that top the lists. For example, a few years ago, everybody was wearing colored, oversized lapel pins. Lapel pins are still high on the charts, but the style is now headed toward a smaller, more subdued look.”

Brian McCoy, Advertising Director at Harry Klitzner Fraternal Supply, told The Past Bastard “We found that it was a losing proposition to try to keep up with the trends. In the last ten or fifteen years, we’ve concentrated on the basics, things like money clips, tie pins, cufflinks, the old standbys.”

The Past Bastard asked if they didn’t have a problem selling items associated with older men.

“Aw, hell no,” McCoy told us. “It’s a slow, but steady income, and the profit margin is twice what they get on those trendy pins and things. Hey, one of our biggest Christmas items was a Zippo lighter with a compasses on it. People aren’t even smoking, but they want to look cool, and a plastic Bic ain’t cutting it, if you know what I mean.”

The Past Bastard has contacted the Federal Department of Fraternal Societies in order to get a copy of the data, but as of publication, has not yet received the report.

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Grand Lodge of Illinois to Require Registration of Masonic Bling

Peoria, IL -- The Grand Lodge of Illinois has hit on a novel, but controversial idea to raise revenue. All Masonic "bling," that is, jewelry, rings, pins, etc., will need to be registered with the Grand Lodge, and members will be required to pay a tax on them.

"The idea came up when we were talking about how out of control all the jewelry had gotten," said RWB Jonathon

B. Goode, who is on the newly formed committee that will be overseeing the licensing and taxing. "You should see these guys; they show up to lodge wearing four or five rings, sometimes even earrings. And the pins. Good Lord, some of the guys, you can't even see their lapels because they're covered in pins. Grand Master pins, Royal Arch pins, Consistory pins, Shrine pins, you name it. We decided that the only fair way to do this would be to license them on an annual basis. Five dollars per item should cover it, and we'll keep a register in case somebody sells a piece to another Mason in a different lodge."

The Past Bastard questioned RWB Goode on the idea of licensing and registering Masonic jewelry.

"Admittedly, it's a hard idea to wrap your mind around at first," he told us. "But we look at it this way: in order to be a member of the Grand Lodge of Illinois, then you have to abide by the rules and regulation, and that includes appropriately displaying the logo... err, I mean, the emblems. We, the Grand Lodge, own the rights to the membership, and we can pass regulations on how members can display our signs and symbols."

"I will say this, though, that the idea of compiling all of this bling and other jewelery and stuff in a register might be a little off-putting to some of our guys," Goode admitted to us. "But ultimately we think that it will help to keep the brethren honest, which is the important thing."

The Past Bastard wondered if the annual licensing fee might not be a little steep.

"Nonsense," said Goode. "We figure if these guys can come up with the money to buy all this stuff, then they can afford another five bucks to be allowed to wear them."
RWB Goode told The Past Bastard that the money would go directly to the Grand Lodge General fund, and there are no plans at the moment for its use.

"Right now, we're just trying to get all the guy registered so we can start issuing the licenses. We aren't going to plan on spending anything until we know what we're working with," he said.

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