Monday, September 26, 2016

New Hipster Affinity Lodge Gives Masons Vintage, Organic Experience

Seattle, WA - The Grand Lodge of Washington's newest affinity lodge has been making waves across the west coast. Vintage Lodge No. 45, which meets in a spare room above a cigarette smoke-filled coffee shop in downtown Seattle, hopes to make the Masonic experience as hipster as possible. Bro. Joe Snow, Charter Master of Vintage Lodge, explained his vision to The Past Bastard over a cup of overpriced coffee and biscotti. "I think Masonry has really gotten away from what matters," Worshipful Joe explained, "the organization shouldn't be about tuxedos, boring lectures, and spaghetti dinners. Vintage [Lodge] is here to change that."

Worshipful Joe, clad in flannel, aviators, and a man bun, smiled broadly as he explained his plans for Vintage Lodge's inaugural year in between puffs of pipe tobacco: "First and foremost, tuxedos are out. We don't care what you wear, as long as you don't come clad in Abercrombie. We're about the bro--not the brand. Jeans are just fine as long as they're skinny and accompanied by your best pair of Converse All Stars. Officers are required to wear something plaid, but the rest of their ensemble is up to them."

"Say goodbye to spaghetti dinners and canned green beans," Worshipful Joe continued, "our festive boards will be all organic all the time! Our steward, Bro. James, makes some of the best tofu I've ever eaten, and Pabst Blue Ribbon will be the drink of choice each of our meals. We're trying to work out a sponsorship with Whole Foods to cut some of the food costs, but they haven't gotten back to us yet."

When asked about how Vintage Lodge would tackle Masonic education, Worshipful Joe replied: "We're going retro, baby! Today's young Masons really respond to retro-gaming culture, so we've converted our tracing boards and artwork to fit that theme. You just can't begin to fully understand a tracing board until you see it in 8-bit."

By this point in our conversation, Worshipful Joe had pulled out a ukulele and had begun to sing along to the Radiohead song that had begun to play in the background, so I felt it best to end our interview and excuse myself. Before leaving, Worshipful Joe gave me the following parting words: "You're going to get the tab, right? I'd totally pay, but I'm saving up for the new Arctic Monkeys vinyl album so we can play it in lodge next month." In retrospect, this interview was a couple of hours and $20 that this writer of The Past Bastard won't ever get back.

- Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III
- Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu


  1. Now here's a lodge we all get behind. :-) Fantastic.

  2. pabst blue ribbon and tofu? please tell I didn't just read that!

    its like combining the crown jewel beer of southern trailor parks with the most hippie food of the west coast ever made

    on the east coast or in the south, I don't think anybody would show up for the meal at all, maybe a few for the beer lol, dead serious too