New Hipster Affinity Lodge Gives Masons Vintage, Organic Experience

Seattle, WA - The Grand Lodge of Washington's newest affinity lodge has been making waves across the west coast. Vintage Lodge No. 45, which meets in a spare room above a cigarette smoke-filled coffee shop in downtown Seattle, hopes to make the Masonic experience as hipster as possible. Bro. Joe Snow, Charter Master of Vintage Lodge, explained his vision to The Past Bastard over a cup of overpriced coffee and biscotti. "I think Masonry has really gotten away from what matters," Worshipful Joe explained, "the organization shouldn't be about tuxedos, boring lectures, and spaghetti dinners. Vintage [Lodge] is here to change that."

Worshipful Joe, clad in flannel, aviators, and a man bun, smiled broadly as he explained his plans for Vintage Lodge's inaugural year in between puffs of pipe tobacco: "First and foremost, tuxedos are out. We don't care what you wear, as long as you don't come clad in Abercrombie. We're about the bro--not the brand. Jeans are just fine as long as they're skinny and accompanied by your best pair of Converse All Stars. Officers are required to wear something plaid, but the rest of their ensemble is up to them."

"Say goodbye to spaghetti dinners and canned green beans," Worshipful Joe continued, "our festive boards will be all organic all the time! Our steward, Bro. James, makes some of the best tofu I've ever eaten, and Pabst Blue Ribbon will be the drink of choice each of our meals. We're trying to work out a sponsorship with Whole Foods to cut some of the food costs, but they haven't gotten back to us yet."

When asked about how Vintage Lodge would tackle Masonic education, Worshipful Joe replied: "We're going retro, baby! Today's young Masons really respond to retro-gaming culture, so we've converted our tracing boards and artwork to fit that theme. You just can't begin to fully understand a tracing board until you see it in 8-bit."

By this point in our conversation, Worshipful Joe had pulled out a ukulele and had begun to sing along to the Radiohead song that had begun to play in the background, so I felt it best to end our interview and excuse myself. Before leaving, Worshipful Joe gave me the following parting words: "You're going to get the tab, right? I'd totally pay, but I'm saving up for the new Arctic Monkeys vinyl album so we can play it in lodge next month." In retrospect, this interview was a couple of hours and $20 that this writer of The Past Bastard won't ever get back.

- Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III
- Knight Kadeuch, Kennedy MacFaulty 69˚ of the Mediocre Elu

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UGLE Pro Grand Master makes Journalists Masons at sight and promptly expels them for unsavory journalism

London, UK - Freemasonry made the news again this week when Bro. Dieter Clowndes, the Pro Grand Master of the United Grand Lodge of England (UGLE), made an editor and journalist of the UK tabloid known as The Independent Masons at sight, and not more than 30 seconds later expelled them both for "conduct unbecoming of a Mason." This expulsion from the fraternal organization is reportedly in connection with an unsavory article published by the tabloid the week prior, according to sources close to The Past Bastard.

A high-ranking officer in the Metropolitan Grand Lodge Lodge of London, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, attempted to explain the Grand Master's actions: "The article published by The Independent last week was a slap in the face to all brethren wheresoever dispersed. The officers of UGLE realized they couldn't punish the paper itself for its libelous article, so they decided the best course of action was to make a public display by raising Jamol Nahan, editor of The Independent, and Madame Lush, author of the article in question, at sight and immediately expelling them from the order."

The Past Bastard's anonymous source lauded the Pro Grand Master's actions, stating: "The United Grand Lodge of England has been pursuing a policy of openness with the press leading up to the 300th anniversary of its founding next year in spite of the libelous claims of devil worship, xenophobia, misogyny, political conspiracy, and Titanic wreck coverups promulgated by the hands of the UK media. We have to take a stand where we can, and that's exactly why the Pro Grand Master's actions were warranted, and should be applauded."

The Past Bastard assumes that the look given by former Bros. Nahan and Lush at the moment of their expulsion mirrored this one.

Not everyone, however, seemed satisfied with the Pro Grand Master's actions. Fellow Masons present at the ceremony described his actions as "not cricket" as former Bro. Nahan's and former Bro. Lush's quick dismissal precluded the journalists from taking part in dinner and libations at the festive board after the ceremony. Many of the older members, however, were seen to smile briefly--for the first time in years in some cases--at the irony. 

This writer of The Past Bastard wishes the UGLE well in their continued campaign against the mainstream media in advance of their tercentenary celebration next year. As the Masonic adage goes: If you can't beat 'em, make 'em join....and then expel 'em! 

The Past Bastard declined to reach out to the former brethren at The Independent for comment as the writers felt it would be inappropriate to engage in Masonic intercourse with those who have been expelled, especially for poor journalism.

- Dionysius Bacchus III

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Rediscovering Freemasonry at the Knights of Columbus

New Haven, CT -- Tired, frustrated, and disenchanted with the culture of title chasers, antiquated mindsets, and back room politicking, many young Masons who once felt disenfranchised at their lodges have managed to find a new wellspring of religious tolerance, fraternal bonding, morality, and friendship. 

The twist: All of this is happening at the Knights of Columbus.

I met up with fellow TPB reporter Dionysius Bacchus in the home city of the KofC, where we were invited to check out a “council,” (the KofC equivalent of a lodge) during one of their frequent fellowship evenings.

“We aren’t bound by the strict, and often arbitrary rules set by the state masonic Grand Lodge,” explained Bill Theodore, our guide for the evening. A Past Master of Excellence Lodge No. 102 AF& AM in West Haven, Bill joined Adventure Council several years ago after discovering that he had nothing much to do after serving for three years in his Masonic Lodge. “Once I went through the chairs, there were already so many other Past Masters, that my input wasn’t really needed. I was bored, and I’d heard about how the Knights were re-discovering Masonry, so I joined,” he said. “Since then, I’ve truly understood what Freemasonry is about.”

Indeed, most of the members coming over from the Blue Lodges are happy to find that they use their meeting time productively. Minutes are kept to a bare minimum, since the members get an emailed copy to review before the meeting. The rest of the time is spent working on character development, moral and philosophical discussions, and planning the next pancake breakfast.

“Pancake breakfast?” asked Dionysius. 

“That’s the one thing that no fraternal organization can get away from, it seems,” remarked WB Theodore. “But the other aspects are enough to make up for it. We have some great degree rehearsals, so nobody looks like they don’t know what they’re doing, or keeps forgetting their lines. And after the meetings, we can go downstairs and have a beer together over some pizza.”

Many Masonic lodges are “dry,” in the sense that they do not allow alcohol on the premises. And since New Haven is famous for its pizza, it’s no wonder that the brothers enjoy staying a bit longer for some fellowship.

My fellow reporter and I were quite comfortable listening to the almost-but-not-quite Preston Webb opening rituals, and we were pleased to see that the minutes and old business were kept to under five minutes. There was a discussion about the place of the Freema..., er, the Knights in the community, some news about an upcoming degree, and a presentation about the similarities between the Scottish Rite and the Catholic Church. The meeting ended, and we all headed to the bar downstairs, where we tasted some local pie and micro-brew while chatting with our new friends. On the way out, we both purchased raffle tickets, another fund raiser that is not generally allowed in Masonic circles.

On the way back to the airport, Bro. Dionysius and I chatted about our evening. He noted that their lod..., er, council was one of the best lodges he had ever been to; and we both agreed that despite the name, there was no question that we had experienced some fantastic Freemasonry.

“And the best part is that they wear the same plumey hats as our Knights Templars,” said WB Dionysius. “Why, you’d almost forget which organization you were in.”

-  Dionysius Bacchus III
- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Grand Royal Arch Chapter of Colorado Adopts Keystone Light as Official Beverage

Golden, CO - The Most Excellent Grand Royal Arch Chapter of Colorado has been making waves in the Masonic community by its decision to adopt the alcoholic beverage Keystone Light as their official beverage. Companions of Spirituous Chapter No. 5 Royal Arch Masons of Colorado cheered as kegs of brew arrived from the Molson Coors Brewing Company at the conclusion of their Most Excellent Grand High Priest Official Visit earlier this week.

Companion Joe Snow, Excellent High Priest of Spirituous Chapter, explained, “...most associate the Shrine with alcohol, but we’re here to tell the world that companions of the Holy Royal Arch can have fun too!”

When questioned about the Grand Chapter’s peculiar choice in beverage, a spokesperson for the Grand Chapter explained: “We are fully aware of the perception of the lack of quality of Keystone Light. We chose it knowing most brethren find it inferior to craft brews. We felt it only fitting that the ‘[Key]stone the builders rejected’ should be elevated to become the ‘capstone’ of all Colorado Royal Arch festivities.”

The Grand Chapter has high hopes that their announcement will boost chapter membership numbers and better publicize the Royal Arch across Colorado. A spokesperson for the Grand Chapter commented: “We are working out a deal with Molson Coors to drop Keystone Light’s blue packaging and bring the original, iconic red packaging that accompanied Keystone beer when it was first released in 1989 back home from exile.”

--Bro Dionysius Bacchus III

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Breaking News! Overnight Masonic Satire Sensation Inspires Copycat Antics; Masonry is Doomed

Tampa, FL--The Past Bastard has received breaking news that the overnight Masonic news satire sensation (that'd be us) has officially inspired others to take up the front lines of the fight against all Masons who simply take themselves, and others, way too seriously. "Coach" John Nagy, Masonic author, social media guru, and The Past Bastard satire enthusiast has released his own article entitled "Membership Decline Linked to Climate Change" on his blog Building Better Builders!

SK Mason Burhmaster, Managing Editor for The Past Bastard made the following statement: "We at The Past Bastard laud any attempt to call attention to eccentricities of the Craft through cleverness and humor; however, Brother Nagy's attempt to correlate Masonic membership to bodily-produced greenhouse gases was simply too full of 'hot air' to appeal to a large readership. Notwithstanding, it is a pleasure to see the 'winds' of change taking shape in the Masonic blogosphere."

Brother Reginald Farquar, featured writer of The Past Bastard also chimed in, "...wait, what? Why are you bothering me? I didn't even have time to write my own bio for the site. Why on earth would you think I'd have time to talk about what some other guy wrote about greenhouse gas? I drive a Hummer."

Regardless of whether you prefer to stand upwind or downwind of Brother Nagy's humorous antics, one thing is for certain: Masonic satire, much like the occasional putrid fart, is destined to hang around for the time being. Brother Nagy's full article can be viewed on his blog, Building Better Builders!

-Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III

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Eastern Star Chapter Champions 'Free the Nipple' Movement; Sees Dramatic Increase in Male Petitioners

Miami, FL--A local chapter of the Order of the Eastern Star is enjoying a surge in membership applications after the chapter voted unanimously to champion the "Free the Nipple" campaign as their official chapter charity. Greta Birkenstein, Worthy Matron of Great Light chapter of the Order of the Eastern Star was astonished at the turnout in support of the chapter's cause: "This is so exciting! A couple of months ago we were on the verge of closing our doors as a chapter, but with the recent influx of petitions, it looks like we'll be able to stick around for the foreseeable future."

But increasing membership isn't the only benefit that the chapter has derived from championing their new cause. Greta explains: "We've also greatly increased our visibility within the Miami Masonic community. In fact, we just received an official invitation from the Royal Order of the Jesters to attend their semi-annual smoker--the first time they have ever opened their doors to our organization. It's so wonderful seeing the entire Masonic family--even the awkward uncle no one talks about--rallying around a cause that promotes gender equality in today's society." Jerry Jermaine-Berryfield from Durka Durka Shrine Temple agreed: "It's so great that the ladies are taking up this noble cause. If nothing else, it might make the Eastern Star meetings sufferable for once."

The Order of the Eastern Star is a Freemasonic appendant body open to both men and women. It was established in 1850 by lawyer and educator Rob Morris, a noted Freemason. The "Free the Nipple" campaign seeks to strip society of its tendencies toward the sexualization of the female upper body, addressing hypocrisies and inconsistencies in American culture and legal systems that enforce its taboos. Ultimately, the campaign resolves to decriminalize female toplessness in the US and empower women across western nations in a greater effort toward global gender equality.

-Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III

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Clandestine Mason Wants to Become Regular; Doctor Prescribes Ex-Lax Regimen

Detroit, MI--a Detroit native was hospitalized last week due to severe dehydration he suffered, reportedly in the name of Freemasonry. Larry Schulter-Meier, a member of Whackadoodle Lodge No. 9, International Free and Accepted Modern Masons, Inc., told The Past Bastard that all he wanted to do was become a regular Mason. Instead, his doctor misunderstood and prescribed him a heavy regimen of ex-lax: "So I was trying to go visit a lodge on the other side of town. I showed them my dues card and they told me I couldn't come fellowship because I wasn't 'regular.' So I went to my doctor and he fixed me up."

Mr. Schulter-Meier was released from the hospital after receiving intravenous fluids, but declined to continue his medication, citing: "...if this is what being a regular Mason is all about, then I don't want none of it."

-Dionysius Bacchus III

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