AASR SJ valley petitions SGIG to build wall to stop NMJ member emigration

Guthrie, OK - A recent wave of attempted Scottish Rite member emigration out of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to the AASR Southern Jurisdiction has one SJ valley concerned and ready to take action. Fueled by disillusionment sparked over the inability of NMJ members to gain entry to -- or pronounce -- the NMJ's Hauts Grades Academy, and resentment over the new NMJ baby boomer recruiting strategy, brethren have been attempting in record numbers to leave the cold, video degree-laden NMJ for the warm embrace of Pike intellectualism that pervades the Southern Jurisdiction. But not everyone wants to welcome these "Scottish Rite dreamers" into the SJ fold. The Past Bastard has learned that the brethren of MAGA (Make Aasr Great Again) Valley, Ancient & Accepted Scottish Rite in Oklahoma have formally petitioned their SGIG to stem the influx of SJ hopefuls.

The Past Bastard spoke with MAGA Valley's Personal Representative to the SGIG, Ill. Bro. Joe Snow, 33°, to gain his insights into the evolving concern over illegal AASR immigration: "Well, the fact of the matter here is that there's not a lot of opportunity for the younger guys to get their KCCH or 33rd degree Inspector General unless some of the old timers kick the bucket. These guys put their hearts and souls into one day getting a shot at an honorary title, and then all of these NMJ brothers come flocking in from everywhere to gobble up their honorary slots! Our 32nd degree brethren have a right to be upset. These NMJ undesirables are stealing Inspector General slots that rightfully belong the true blue, 'born and raised' SJ members!"

When The Past Bastard asked Ill. Bro. Snow,  33°, about the valley's petition to the SGIG, he explained plainly: "Our valley has sent a petition to our Sovereign Grand Inspector General for the Orient of Oklahoma requesting he petition the Sovereign Grand Commander to build a wall delineating the borders between NMJ and SJ jurisdictions. That oughta keep the undesirables out." Ill. Bro. Snow, 33°, continued: "And that's not all! We've even got a plan to get the wall paid for! We're going to make the Supreme Council, Northern Masonic Jurisdiction pick up the tab! After all, we're saving them a boatload of dues revenue by denying their members entry into our jurisdiction. It's a win for both sides." 

The Past Bastard mentioned to Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° that a physical wall would likely have minimal effect on NMJ brethren attempting to join the SJ (you know, in the age of e-mail and all), but Ill. Bro. Snow, 33° remained confident that his valley's plan would succeed: "We've got it all worked out. You can't just leave a wall unguarded. We've already arranged to have our Knights of St. Andrews and members of our local Oklahoma Knights Templar Commanderies patrol the wall once it's built. They need something to do anyway." 

Requests for comment directed toward the Sovereign Grand Inspector General of the Orient of Oklahoma were not immediately returned.

Read More

Scottish Rite Research Library under fire for hoarding books

Washington, DC -- How much control should a library be able to retain over its books, and when does that control become detrimental? That is the question being raised by a number of new members of the Scottish Rite, who have charge the Scottish Rite Research Library, and its curator Arturo De Hoyos, with hoarding books instead of allowing them to be promulgated throughout the Masonic community.

"Honestly, we're not trying to start any trouble," said Brother Don Wayne Stacy of Cheddar Lodge 522 in Cracker, Wisconsin. "It's just that I've been a Mason for two or three years now, and I've been a 32º SR Mason since last summer, and there's just nothing left to read for guys like me to develop a more esoteric understanding of our Craft. All we're asking for is that the Scottish Rite start releasing copies of those thousands of books that they have, so we can do our own reading and research."

Some other members of this movement for a more transparent Scottish Rite have a different take on things, though.

"Yeah, some guys are convinced that the library curators are hoarding the old books, but there are some of us that are now questioning whether the Scottish Rite even has those kinds of books to begin with," said Brother Joseph Nieves of Deer Dressing Lodge 288 in Deliverance, Tennessee. "I mean, we're always hearing about all these rare and esoteric books and stuff, but nobody has actually, you know, seen them. Some of us are beginning to think that those claims are all just smoke in order to keep the rest of us in awe of the old guard power structure. I mean, you've got all these guys in my chapter who talk about Brent Spiner and Art De Hojos like they're some kind of religious figures. But what if there aren't any of those old books, you know?"

The Past Bastard reached out to WB De Hoyos, who responded "With all the guys complaining about their dues as it is, there's no way we could hire a full time staff to transcribe these old works, let alone translate the ones from German or French, and get them all out to the local lodges and chapters. As it is, we're way behind in our plan to have statues of Albert Pike in all 50 states, and once that's done, then it will be time to look at some major repairs on the Washington facilities."

He then added, "If those 2 or 3 year Masons want to volunteer some of their vacation time to come to Washington and transcribe a book or two, we could probably have all this done in a couple of years. I'd talk more on this, but I'm on my way to the gun range, where I'm sighting in a new Russian Dragunov."

Some of the new Scottish Rite members remain unconvinced, though. "What if all the Scottish Rite books are just, you know, nothing but old books and not really esoteric at all?" they have asked. "What if the Scottish Rite is just one more body to take your money and give you titles and bling and stuff, but offers nothing in return?"

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Read More

Pike Awakens; AASR SJ Announces Plans to Clone Albert Pike for SJ Podcast

Washington, DC—A spokesman for the Southern Jurisdiction of the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite announced over the weekend at a sold out charity event the plans to clone Albert Pike in order to produce a truly successful Scottish Rite podcast. The multi-million dollar project will be paid for by the Celebrate the Craft event and its success will ride solely on contributors to the campaign.

With laudable attempts such as The Life Masonic and The Tyler’s Place, which have ultimately failed to gather any continued steam after their initial launch, the Supreme Council hopes that their new show hosted by the cloned Albert Pike will provide that missing element for audio endeavors of Scottish Rite masons wheresoever dispersed.

“Look, it’s no secret the SJ has been glorifying Albert Pike and riding his coattails since he died.” Said Brother John Falafel, 32˚ and a member of the Valley of Washington Scottish Rite. “He will bring balance to the craft and provide meaningful content while at the same time providing a voice for endless plugs for his own show.”

"The process will involve a series of careful steps which the organization has been careful to lay out." Brother Falafel continued, "Everything will start with a careful exhumation of his [Pike’s] remains which have been in the House of the Temple for over seventy years. After that they will attempt to extract DNA from a tooth, assuming they can find one. The DNA samples will then be taken to a laboratory in Washington where the growing process will begin."

Daniel Waters a chief scientist who has signed on to the project pro bono said “It will be a delicate process. We will need to decelerate the growth at just the right time so that we have Pike in his prime. Too soon and he won’t have the credibility with older members, too long and we risk getting a crotchety old bastard.”

Although the just-announced project is still a year away from any CTC fundraising revenue, work on extraction will soon be under way, explained Brother Falafel: “With the crumbling walls of the House of the Temple, it should be relatively easy to pull down the edifice surrounding the remains.”

The countdown to the best Masonic podcast ever is underway and this reporter, can’t wait. The Exalted Masonic Hour of Power with Albert Pike is set to start casting on January 2017. 

--Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

Read More