Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Grand Lodge of Texas clarifies ban on guns in lodge

San Antonio, TX -- After several suspensions by Grand Lodge officers of members who carried handguns to lodges, rumors have run rampant that perhaps a state-wide ban on handguns or other firearms was in the works; an unusual circumstance in Texas where it is estimated that two-thirds of the members are armed. Such rumors were dispelled earlier this week when a spokesperson for the Grand Lodge explained the situation.

"Naw, we didn't suspend anyone for having a handgun," explained RW Blake Carrington, Grand Lodge Director of Communication. "The problem was that those guys were waving around some foreign junk. We don't stand for that kind of thing here in Texas, y'all know that."

The Past Bastard reached out to RW Carrington to explain what was happening.

"Well, it's like this. We ain't going to ban handguns in the lodge room, because that would be stupid. But we are going to require that members carry only American made firearms. That means all those guys carrying their fancy European made toys will have to leave them at home. Hell, my grandaddy fought in World War Two, and he'd spin in his grave if he saw how many guys were carrying Glocks and Berettas. Hell, we didn't fight them German and Eye-talian bastards only to have them hanging at our hips, did we?"

RW Carrington also had some guidelines as to what would be acceptable.

"First, only American made guns will be allowed. That means Smith and Wesson, and Samuel Colt. We aren't sure about Ruger just yet because they have a German sounding name. And we're  not sure about Kel-Tec, either, since didn't that guy come here from Sweden? Kimber is okay, even though it sounds like a girl's name. Oh, and Hi-Point is okay, if y'all don't mind everyone else laughing at you."

The Past Bastard learned that there were some other considerations.

"Yeah, that reminds me. Europeans are kind of sissy, if you know what I mean, so we don't want to see any of that 9 millimeter stuff. Real guns have calibers with lot of numbers. So, anyone carrying should have .357, .40, or a .45, and maybe a .38 for your Eastern Star ladies. You know, real American calibers," he told us.


  1. Update: Since this story originally ran the Grand Lodge of Texas has discovered that Colt is owned by Zilkha & Co., so all lodge worthy Colts must be purchased through the Civilian Marksmanship Program's 1911 program. Says all true Texas Masons: "Sorry hippies, you can keep those millenial .45s at home."

  2. Oh, we are definitely calling a pistol jammed under an apron the "Texican" carry. Definitely...

  3. This whole article is false. I actually work at the Grand Lodge of Texas and this Blake Carrington you quote does not even exist in our database as a member. Who ever wrote this should get their facts straight before posting about it.

    1. Satire is completely lost on you. This site is equivalent to "The Onion." It is meant to humorously approach issues affecting masons. Did you even read it and wonder about the artistic license taken as evidenced by the 'quotes'? Seriously man, grow a funnybone and a clue.