UGLE announces CoVid degree conferral guidelines

Westminster, UK --Because of the inherent difficulties in conferring the craft degrees, the UGLE has issued guidelines to all lodges in order to comply with government regulations, and to ensure a safe experience for the candidate and the lodge officers and members.

Most of the guidelines are now quite commonplace in the general public: wearing of face masks, carrying small containers of hand sanitizer, avoiding touching of odd surfaces, keeping hands away from nose and eyes, etc. However, it is important to note the guidelines for the degree ceremonies in order to, as much as possible, prevent the contamination and spread of CoVid-19, or any similar infectious pathogens in the future.  Here, then, are some of the highlights.

Candidate Preparation

Initiation garb is no longer allowed. Candidates are to be fully clothed in their own regular clothing. Shoes will be worn on both feet, however, depending upon the degree conferred, in place of removing a shoe, several grains of uncooked rice or small pebbles will be placed in the appropriate shoe.

Hoodwinks, blindfolds, or head coverings will no longer be allowed. Candidates will be issued their own pair of Ray-Bans with the lenses blacked out.

Pants legs will no longer be rolled up; however, garters around the appropriate calf may act as a symbolic reminder.

Ceremony

No members should be present in the lodge room, except for the several officers needed to perform the ceremony itself. 

Candidates will no longer wear cable tows. Instead, they will be guided by buckled traces or collars with leashes (available at most pet supply or exotic adult shoppes). Stewards or deacons will remain at least one to two metres distance, and shall be careful to gently coax the candidate along by use of light tugging.

With the aid of the Stewards, the candidate will circumnavigate the space, ending on the north side of the room for instruction. Stewards will aid by using pushbrooms to place their feet in the proper position.

Guiding the candidate to the altar, the candidate will be restored to light, not by the JD being directed, but with some such formula as “Normally the JD would remove the hoodwink with which you would, up to this point in the ceremony, have been blindfolded. On this occasion, however, you will yourself remove the dark glasses you are wearing, on the count of three. [“One, two, three” to synchronise with movements of gavel.] You will place the glasses in the bag which is in front of you to your right.”

The candidate will be given the obligations, and upon removing his dark glasses, he should be presented with as large a video screen as can be accommodated, showing the WM who will safely be giving the lectures from a nearby room.

The WM will, via the video, give further instructions to the Candidate. Stewards and Deacons will alternately direct the Candidate's attention to the various working tools which have been set up in distant stations around the lodge.

At the end of the ceremonies, the Candidate will proceed to the main hall, where he and his new brethren can share tea and sandwiches from Sainsbury's,  Pret a Manger or some other local cafe.

Please keep in mind that these guidelines are for the safety of the candidate and officers, and that they should continue to be performed with the same dignity as previously. 

 

 

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UGLE and GOdF confirm rumors of recognition

Milton Keynes, UK - Some of our readers that are active on social media have undoubtedly run across the barely disguised rumors of recognition between the United Grand Lodge of England (UGLE) and the Grand Orient of France (GOdF). This week, The Past Bastard overcame the eight hour time difference, and tracked down the Very Worshipful Nigel Thornbury, Assistant to the Provincial Undersecretary in charge of recognition and amity. VW Thornbury confirmed that, while there is some discussion, at this point the two different orders of Freemasons are still  working out the details.

"I say, it's pretty exciting that we're working on this in my lifetime," said Thornbury. "The UGLE dropped their recognition of the Grand Orient before my grandfather was born, back in Edward's time, if I recall correctly. They've had their differences, but I'm glad that the two oldest and most recognized orders of Freemasons are at least coming to some terms of understanding, if you take my meaning."

The Past Bastard asked Very Worshipful Thornbury for a little background.

"Well, as with a lot of Masonic history, the details are a bit sketchy, but from what I gather, the Grand Orient did something that the Grand Lodge considered to be not cricket, if you take my meaning. That began a series of claims and counterclaims of legitimacy, until the Grand Lodge decided that the Grand Orient was personna non grata, or I guess, loge grande non grata. Nobody ever thought to reconcile because, quite frankly, the lodge cultures are too different."

The Past Bastard asked Very Worshipful Thornbury if he could give us any details of the recognition.

"Well, this is all preliminary stuff, and may, of course, be subject to change, but here's what we've worked out so far. First of all, obviously this is just recognition talk, and there's not even a hint at a merger or anything like that. We're simply too different, and the Grand Orient now has a long history behind it that they won't want to give up. And naturally, there's to be no dual or plural membership. You join one body only. Everybody has agreed on that part."

Thornbury continued. "Second, there's to be no visitation between the lodges. As in, none at all. The only communication would be at the grand level, by email or messenger. None of the lodge members are allowed to talk to each other."

"In reference to the talking part," Thornbury continued, "no only are they not allowed to talk to each other, but they aren't even allowed to acknowledge each other. In fact, someone has asked for a caveat that if a Grand Lodge member is walking down the pavement, and spies a Grand Orient member, that he should cross the street so as not to chance any communication."

"Obviously, such arrangements preclude joint affairs, such as dinners, charities, beanos, and anything like that," he explained.

The Past Bastard observed that, except for a written agreement, it sounds like there wouldn't be any change at all in the status, and any recognition would be essentially invisible for ordinary Masons.

"Oh, quite right," said Thornbury. "Admittedly, it did seem a bit odd at first, but baby steps, and all that, you know. However, the Yanks that came up here from a couple of your southern states to help us draw up the details said that this is how it's frequently done across the pond, so I'm sure that they all know what they're doing."

The Past Bastard will continue to update this story as details become more available.

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Masons flock to join UGLE lodge, and you'll never guess why!

Washington, D.C. - Freemasons everywhere within the United States are tripping over themselves to join Internet Lodge No. 9659, holden under the United Grand Lodge of England, for a very unexpected reason. That reason has nothing to do with homophobic Grand Lodge policies, racist Grand Lodge officers, or infighting among U.S. Grand Lodges; instead, the reason is more to do entirely with another body altogether: Order of the Eastern Star.  

The Past Bastard caught up with Bro. Joe Snow, the newest petitioner seeking to affiliate with Internet Lodge, to get his take on why he was so eager to join a Lodge across the pond:

"Well, everybody in my mother Lodge keep asking me to join Eastern Star, and I really don't wanna, but I feel like I'm letting my brothers and their grandmothers down by saying no. When I heard that the Grand Lodge of England considers Eastern Star a clandestine organization, I knew I had found the perfect excuse. Once I'm a full member of Internet Lodge, I can just tell my brothers I can't join because it's clandestine. No one can argue with that, and I don't have to worry about hurting the feelings of those nice 80 year-old ladies in white."

Bro. Joe went on to tell The Past Bastard that Internet Lodge was the perfect UGLE Lodge to join as it has no residency requirements for affiliation: "It's about the only UGLE Lodge I can join without actually having to live abroad. Believe me, I'll do just about anything I can to get out of joining the Star. I've heard their introductions alone go on for hours!"

In 1999, the United Grand Lodge of England issued a statement on mixed bodies "not directly imitative of pure antient Masonry, but which by implication introduce Freemasonry, such as the Order of the Eastern Star," declaring membership and participation in such organizations to be "incompatible with membership in this Grand Lodge."

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COGMNA follows UGLE, drops OES

Breckenridge, CO - - One of the little known resolutions at the recent Conference of Grand Masters of North America was the agreement that American and Canadian Grand Lodges should become more like the United Grand Lodge of England.

"We've been independent for far too long," said RWB Donald Sniffgone, spokesperson for the Colorado Grand Lodge. "The different Grand Lodges around the US are starting to recognize how far apart that we have grown in terms of Masonic practices, and the only clear path is for us to give up our independent ways, and to start following whatever the United Grand Lodge of England does."

Accordingly, the Grand Lodge of Colorado has announced that the Order of Eastern Star will become a "clandestine" organization, and that the men in their grand jurisdiction will have to drop their memberships.

 "See, the UGLE doesn't recognize Eastern Star over in England," explained RWB Sniffgone. "The reasoning is unclear, but we think it's a smart move, since it keeps the men and women from mixing. I mean, ever been to a Star meeting? Or worse, one of their Grand Chapter meetings? The handful of men there all have this hollow-eyed stare, and the tension from the women is thick enough to cut with a Tyler's sword."

The Colorado Grand Lodge

The Past Bastard asked how the Grand Lodge would handle the break with the appendant order, especially since one of the requirements is that a Mason needs to be present at every meeting.

"Well, we don't expect much pushback from the men, but because of the requirement that a Mason be present at the Eastern Star chapter meetings, we've been trying to work our an arrangement with our counterparts in Larkspur. We're hoping that we can have some of their women co-masons available to sit in on those meetings in lieu of our men Freemasons."

Larkspur, Colorado is the headquarters of the newly renamed" The Honorable Order of Universal Co-Masonry," a Masonic order that is primarily women, but admits men.

"Ultimately, we're hoping that the Eastern Star women will turn their chapters into Co-Masonry lodges. Since we're not in amity, it means that our guys will be able to focus on our own Freemasonry, and not get sucked into those Star meetings any longer."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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British Freemasons disappointed that "A Day Without A Freemason" did not go as planned.

York, England - Hoping to capitalize on the publicity of similar recognition days, such as "International Woman's Day," and to also generate publicity for the upcoming 297th anniversary of Grand Lodge Freemasonry in the UK, The Provincial Grand Lodge of Yorkshire planned and organized "A Day Without A Freemason" to help the public understand just how vital Freemasons continue to be in our modern society.

"We thought that if we had a day with no Freemasons around, that people would see the impact, and from there, maybe have some understanding of who we are, and how many Freemasons they probably know but aren't aware of," said Very Worshipful Jack Gyllenhall, Provincial Grand Master at Yorkshire. "So, we picked a day in March, I think it might have been the 14th, and we tried to get the word out for all of us to take the day off. And it probably would have had more impact, if Danny boy had gotten those postcards out."

VW Gyllenhall was referring to the Provincial Grand Secretary, Daniel Chalmers.

"You know, I've got about as much work as I can handle already, what with all these reports that they make us file, and the ledgers that we need to turn in, and whatever else they expect us to be doing with no help around here," said RW Chalmers. "If he wanted them mailed out in March, he should have given them to me back in January, he should."

The other organizers managed to contact other members via telephone and emails, and asking those members to spread the word. Some of the younger members with cell phones even started a Twitter hashtag: #ADayWithoutAMason

"Oh, a bunch of us stayed out, we did," said VW Gyllenhall. "The trouble started the next day when people asked me if I had been out on holiday, and not to worry because they had shifted my office work to one of the interns, who had actually done a great job of it. Then my boss asked me into his office and mentioned that I was getting to the age where I needed to start thinking about retiring."

The Past Bastard interviewed several other sources in the Yorkshire area, most of whom hadn't realized that the Freemasons were not out and about that day. And while it might seem that the event had been a waste of time, it seems that it wasn't all for naught.

"Oh, yes, we noticed there wasn't any of the usual chaps," said Reggie Barrows, manager of the Freemasons Arms Pub in Nosterfield."Usually we can count on draining a couple of bottles of the better stuff on a lodge night," he told us."But last Tuesday we sold nary a drop. I think we even sent some of the girls home early. Not having Freemasons around sure makes a difference to us."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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GL of Ohio to honor 300th anniversary of Freemasonry by streamlining ODC degree ceremonies

Dayton, OH -- In a bold and controversial move to honor of the 300th anniversary of the formation of the first known Grand Lodge in 1717, the Grand Lodge of Ohio is not only planning their biggest ever "Grand Master's One Day Class;" but the degrees themselves will be "streamlined" in order to accommodate the incoming members.

"We've done a lot of one day degrees, probably more than any other state, and we found that a lot of the guys coming in were losing attention with all the stuff we were throwing at them," explained RW Steve Garvey, the Grand Lodge Publicity Spokesperson. "By the end of the day, they hardly retained anything. Half, maybe three quarters of them always have that 'deer in the headlamps' look, so we figured that the best thing to do would be to cut out the unimportant parts and just have one big degree."

The Past Bastard questioned RW Garvey on shortened degrees.

Grand Lodge of Ohio at the Dayton Masonic Center

"We all know that there's a lot of repetitious stuff in the degrees, and that there's some stuff that doesn't really add anything," he told us. "What we did was remove some of the longer lectures, like that staircase thing. Nobody really listens to the whole thing anyhow. Then we realized that there was no sense in having three different obligations, so we're just giving them the Master Mason one. And we're combining all the working tools into one big set that we call 'The Working Toolbox.' And if we're only giving them one obligation, there's no sense in having them walk around three different times, so we're going to settle on circumnavigating just three times."

The Grand Lodge figures that by consolidating the rituals and ceremonies into one big degree, they can save between two and three hours on the One Day Class.

"If this works out, then we're going to look at possibly having a morning session and an afternoon session for our next Grand Master's One Day Class," said RW Garvey. "Our goal is to make things easy enough so that a lodge never has to put on their own set of degrees again."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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UGLE Pro Grand Master makes Journalists Masons at sight and promptly expels them for unsavory journalism

London, UK - Freemasonry made the news again this week when Bro. Dieter Clowndes, the Pro Grand Master of the United Grand Lodge of England (UGLE), made an editor and journalist of the UK tabloid known as The Independent Masons at sight, and not more than 30 seconds later expelled them both for "conduct unbecoming of a Mason." This expulsion from the fraternal organization is reportedly in connection with an unsavory article published by the tabloid the week prior, according to sources close to The Past Bastard.

A high-ranking officer in the Metropolitan Grand Lodge Lodge of London, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, attempted to explain the Grand Master's actions: "The article published by The Independent last week was a slap in the face to all brethren wheresoever dispersed. The officers of UGLE realized they couldn't punish the paper itself for its libelous article, so they decided the best course of action was to make a public display by raising Jamol Nahan, editor of The Independent, and Madame Lush, author of the article in question, at sight and immediately expelling them from the order."

The Past Bastard's anonymous source lauded the Pro Grand Master's actions, stating: "The United Grand Lodge of England has been pursuing a policy of openness with the press leading up to the 300th anniversary of its founding next year in spite of the libelous claims of devil worship, xenophobia, misogyny, political conspiracy, and Titanic wreck coverups promulgated by the hands of the UK media. We have to take a stand where we can, and that's exactly why the Pro Grand Master's actions were warranted, and should be applauded."

The Past Bastard assumes that the look given by former Bros. Nahan and Lush at the moment of their expulsion mirrored this one.

Not everyone, however, seemed satisfied with the Pro Grand Master's actions. Fellow Masons present at the ceremony described his actions as "not cricket" as former Bro. Nahan's and former Bro. Lush's quick dismissal precluded the journalists from taking part in dinner and libations at the festive board after the ceremony. Many of the older members, however, were seen to smile briefly--for the first time in years in some cases--at the irony. 

This writer of The Past Bastard wishes the UGLE well in their continued campaign against the mainstream media in advance of their tercentenary celebration next year. As the Masonic adage goes: If you can't beat 'em, make 'em join....and then expel 'em! 

The Past Bastard declined to reach out to the former brethren at The Independent for comment as the writers felt it would be inappropriate to engage in Masonic intercourse with those who have been expelled, especially for poor journalism.

- Dionysius Bacchus III

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Grand Lodge of California Announces Rebranding Initiative; Drops Square & Compasses Entirely.

San Francisco, CA -- Following the announcement that the UGLE had a  “re-branding” of the fraternity, along with a modernized S&C logo, the GL of CA announced their own rebranding initiative. 

“Let’s face it, Freemasonry has an old fashioned image that we will never shake, unless we do something drastic. The UGLE had some good ideas, but they didn’t go far enough. Our initiative is looking forward to 2117, not just 2017,” said Grand Lodge spokesperson Nelson Riptorn. 

Always on the avant garde edge, The California Freemason reported that a team of social theorists, organizational behaviorists, cultural anthropologists, and graphic designers worked together to create a more forward-looking logo, designed to pair with their initiative to attract and retain a younger membership. Realizing that the new UGLE logo still retained trace elements of the out-dated Square & Compasses, the California initiative strove to come up with a design that balanced the stability of the past with the need for appealing to future generations of Freemasons. 

 

“By eliminating the old fashioned Square and Compasses altogether,” Riptorn explained, “we can finally shake off one of the aspects that’s been holding us back. In a few months, our new logo will be available on pins, bumper stickers, decals, and car emblems. By this time next year, we expect to have replaced those old lodge signs, too, after the Grand Master’s edict. We expect that it will be a short time before the rest of the Grand Lodges around the US will follow suit.”

“We’ve had three hundred years of looking to the past,” said Riptorn. “Let’s turn that around and start looking toward the future.”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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