Masons flock to join UGLE lodge, and you'll never guess why!

Washington, D.C. - Freemasons everywhere within the United States are tripping over themselves to join Internet Lodge No. 9659, holden under the United Grand Lodge of England, for a very unexpected reason. That reason has nothing to do with homophobic Grand Lodge policies, racist Grand Lodge officers, or infighting among U.S. Grand Lodges; instead, the reason is more to do entirely with another body altogether: Order of the Eastern Star.  

The Past Bastard caught up with Bro. Joe Snow, the newest petitioner seeking to affiliate with Internet Lodge, to get his take on why he was so eager to join a Lodge across the pond:

"Well, everybody in my mother Lodge keep asking me to join Eastern Star, and I really don't wanna, but I feel like I'm letting my brothers and their grandmothers down by saying no. When I heard that the Grand Lodge of England considers Eastern Star a clandestine organization, I knew I had found the perfect excuse. Once I'm a full member of Internet Lodge, I can just tell my brothers I can't join because it's clandestine. No one can argue with that, and I don't have to worry about hurting the feelings of those nice 80 year-old ladies in white."

Bro. Joe went on to tell The Past Bastard that Internet Lodge was the perfect UGLE Lodge to join as it has no residency requirements for affiliation: "It's about the only UGLE Lodge I can join without actually having to live abroad. Believe me, I'll do just about anything I can to get out of joining the Star. I've heard their introductions alone go on for hours!"

In 1999, the United Grand Lodge of England issued a statement on mixed bodies "not directly imitative of pure antient Masonry, but which by implication introduce Freemasonry, such as the Order of the Eastern Star," declaring membership and participation in such organizations to be "incompatible with membership in this Grand Lodge."