Masonic world rocked as former Grand Master resigns

Charleston, WV - Anonymous sources inside COGMNA (Conference of Grand Masters of North America) have leaked information to the effect that a prominent Past Grand Master has just tendered his resignation to his Grand Lodge. This is not a demit, but an actual resignation from the fraternity.

The Past Bastard has obtained a copy of the letter of resignation, which has been partially redacted. We are reprinting it here:

*******

DECLARATION OF RESIGNATION FROM ANCIENT FREE AND ACCEPTED MASONARY

Know all men  by these presents that I, the undersigned [redacted], Past Grand Master, and member of good standing in [redacted] Lodge, being of sound mind and labouring under no disabilities, legal or otherwise, do hereby voluntarily declare:

WHEREAS: The dinner served to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at the Last Supper was baked chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained Masonic Lodges should emulate the examples of the One True God, Our Lord Jesus Christ, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained lodges are erected to the Glory of God, and

WHEREAS: Dinners at said well maintained and regular Masonic lodges should be served, and

WHEREAS: Said dinners should rightfully consist of backed chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: My own mother lodge, [redacted] has taken to serving trendy hipster foods such as Italian pizza, Japanese bento boxes, Thai curry, Vietnamese Pho, Greek gyros, and other such foreign and blasphemous foods, and

WHEREAS: I desire to remain true to the Holy Scriptures,

NOW, THEREFORE: I resign from the Grand Lodge of West Virginia, owing no money to any brothern, nor having other obligations.

"For me and my house, we will serve the baked chicken." Sarducci 19:79

SIGNED: [redacted]

 *******

The Past Bastard will continue to monitor the situation. 

Read More

Grand Lodges to offer "Belly Mason Rewards Card"

Steubenville, OH - The members of the Grand Lodges of Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Tennessee, Virginia, and North Carolina have started out the New Year with an announcement that the members of their respective constituent lodges will be eligible to buy into their Belly Mason Rewards Club.

"Some of us noticed how many of our guys were going to different restaurants all the time 'cause they had rewards cards; you know, like Cracker Barrel, Shoney's, Red Robin, and all those places," said VWB Wynn Dixon, the Belly Mason Coordinator for the Grand Lodge of Pennsylvania. "We thought it would be nice if we could get that kind of loyalty and consistency from our members, and a few of us thought that maybe some kind of rewards card for things like table lodges, surf & turfs, and fish fries would be something the brothern would be interested in."

Members would buy into the Belly Mason Club for $25, for which they would get an electronic swipe card for their wallet, similar to the ones used at coffee shops. Participating lodges would simply scan their cards, for which they would build up credits over the course of the year.

Before long, lodge members will be able to use their
Belly Mason Reward Card to save money on
meals at masonic lodges all over the region. 

"We figure it would take about six months of dinners to start paying off for the members," said VWB Dixon. "After that, their credits would get them things like five percent off the next dinner, or if they waited a few more months, perhaps enough credits for a free dinner. The more they go, the more they'll save."

VWB Dixon said that they're hoping that this program will expand into the neighboring states. If they can get enough support, they plan to create a phone app. "Although that's much farther down the road, since most of our guys are still using flip phones," he said.

Read More

Mississippi lodge first in US to go vegetarian

Lafayette, MS — Citing the increasing number of younger Freemasons who have turned to vegetarianism, a lodge in Mississippi is making a point to welcome the new brothers by becoming the first all-vegetarian lodge in the state, and possibly in North America.

“A lot of other lodges would have complained, or made fun of the new kids, or just sent out for pizza,” said Beau Lyons, the Junior Warden of Lafayette Lodge. “Not us, though, we’re up for a challenge, especially if we’re fixin’ to keep our boys fed.”

WB Lyons had noticed that for the last couple of years, a number of the newly raised members, mainly younger men in their 20s, had been asking for vegetarian options for the festive boards or the pre-meeting dinners. He took his concerns to WB Lyle Beauregarde, the master of the lodge, and outlined his menu for the upcoming year.

“Since them boys don’t want any meat in their diet, I’m planning on making a lot of Spanish paella, ‘cos we got plenty of shrimps and crawdads that we could be adding to all that tasty rice. And so the other guys don’t get tired of rice dishes, we’ll turn our annual Surf & Turn night, into a vegetarian delight, with chicken and fried bass, instead of steak. We’ll add some potatoes mashed in real butter, too.”

Paella with shrimp, mussels, and chicken is an
excellent choice for vegetarians.

“Oh, and even though it might not be quite as tasty, I’m gonna forgo adding bacon, or cooking things in bacon grease. Instead, I’m just going to use some of that unflavored lard that my wife uses for pie crusts,” he added.

After hearing these menu plans, The Past Bastard mentioned to Bro. Lyons that “vegetarian” usually means an absence of all meat products.


“Why, chicken ain’t meat, everybody knows that,” Bro Lyons assured us. “And eating shrimp and crawdads is just like eating grasshoppers, crickets, and other bugs like that. Nobody would ever confuse that stuff with actual meats. We’re gonna do our best to make all the brothers feel welcome.”

Read More

Rhetorical Voices: Does your lodge serve canned or frozen green beans with dinner?

The Past Bastard interviews random members from random lodges on random topics of Masonic importance. This week, we explore green beans, a staple at all Masonic lodge dinners. 

Question: Does your lodge serve canned or frozen green beans at your lodge dinners?

Antonio D: Past Master. Corinthian Lodge No. 357: 
"We used to serve frozen green beans, but then the freezer broke back in 2008 and old Bob Dobbs, remember him, right? Oh, yeah. Well, Bob was going to donate the freezer that he had in his basement, but then he died, right? And then his kids took the freezer, so we just never got around to replacing it."






==========================================================

Kathy C: Worthy Matron, Naomi Chapter No. 24 OES:
"I'm glad you asked, because one of  our members, Clara, accidentally bought a case of canned green beans from Costco, and it looks like after three years we're finally going to be using them up by the end of June. I guess we'll have to take a vote on whether we're going to go with canned or frozen again, and we'd better start planning now."


==========================================================

Kirby V: Senior Warden, Fudge Ripple Lodge No 4332:
"Yeah, umm, I don't remember since I never touch the green things on my plate, anyhow. I mean, I'll pretend to eat green beans at home when my wife cooks, but hell, the reason I go to lodge is that I get to do those unhealthy things that I can't do at home, know what I mean?"

Read More

New Junior Warden disappointed with lack of appreciation for meal

Mason City, IA -- Earl Daneheart, the new Junior Warden at Benevolence Lodge in Mason City, was tired of the same old chicken dinners with green beans and potatoes, so he tried something new.

"I was walking through Sam's Club a couple of days before the meeting, you know? And I walked past the frozen green beans, then then I thought to myself, 'Well, this might be a nice change from those old canned beans,' so I went ahead and bought a few packages. Then I served them up with dinner at the last meeting."

Sadly, nobody seemed to notice the difference.

"Yeah, I sat there, hoping someone would notice that the green beans looked greener, or tasted better, but nope. They'all just glopped tons of butter and salt on'em like they always do," said Earl. "I mean, they ate'em, and it seemed like there was less that I tossed out, but it would have been nice if they had noticed, you know?"

Despite that, Earl is not discouraged, and plans to try something new again.

"Next month, instead of using the same old chicken spice that we always use, I'm gonna try one of those Italian spices that I saw at the grocery store. I'll bet that'll make them notice," he said.

--Conte Calvino Gliostro

Read More

Lodge sets new dinner record

Wellington, MO - Composite Lodge No 279 claims to have set a Masonic record by serving the exact same meal for 60 years.

“We have two special meals a year,” said WM Fred Cowan, “and since 1955, at our Fall Festive Board, every single year we’ve served baked chicken, canned green beans, and boiled potatoes.”

They never set out to set any records, but last year several of the Past Masters recalled that their fathers, uncles, and grandfathers had talked about eating the exact same dinner. WM Cowan asked the Secretary/Historian to check through the minutes to see how long the lodge had been serving the Fall Festive. “We were a little surprised that it had been going on that long,” he admitted, “but after 59 years there wasn’t any point in changing the menu.”

WM Cowan didn’t think that there would be any chance of changing it in the future, either. “We’ve had three generations of brothers eating baked chicken, canned green beans, and ‘taters,” he said. “That’s like a tradition now. No other lodge can claim to have been serving the same meal as long as we have.”

When asked about the other special dinner, WM Cowan said “Oh, the June cookout? Why, burgers, hot dogs, and potato salad, of course. It would be un-American to serve anything else”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

Read More