Masonic world rocked as former Grand Master resigns

Charleston, WV - Anonymous sources inside COGMNA (Conference of Grand Masters of North America) have leaked information to the effect that a prominent Past Grand Master has just tendered his resignation to his Grand Lodge. This is not a demit, but an actual resignation from the fraternity.

The Past Bastard has obtained a copy of the letter of resignation, which has been partially redacted. We are reprinting it here:

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DECLARATION OF RESIGNATION FROM ANCIENT FREE AND ACCEPTED MASONARY

Know all men  by these presents that I, the undersigned [redacted], Past Grand Master, and member of good standing in [redacted] Lodge, being of sound mind and labouring under no disabilities, legal or otherwise, do hereby voluntarily declare:

WHEREAS: The dinner served to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at the Last Supper was baked chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained Masonic Lodges should emulate the examples of the One True God, Our Lord Jesus Christ, and

WHEREAS: All regular and well maintained lodges are erected to the Glory of God, and

WHEREAS: Dinners at said well maintained and regular Masonic lodges should be served, and

WHEREAS: Said dinners should rightfully consist of backed chicken, green beans, and boiled potatoes, and

WHEREAS: My own mother lodge, [redacted] has taken to serving trendy hipster foods such as Italian pizza, Japanese bento boxes, Thai curry, Vietnamese Pho, Greek gyros, and other such foreign and blasphemous foods, and

WHEREAS: I desire to remain true to the Holy Scriptures,

NOW, THEREFORE: I resign from the Grand Lodge of West Virginia, owing no money to any brothern, nor having other obligations.

"For me and my house, we will serve the baked chicken." Sarducci 19:79

SIGNED: [redacted]

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The Past Bastard will continue to monitor the situation. 

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Grand Master has a MELTDOWN for this INSANE reason.

Waterloo, IA -- The Grand Master of Iowa recently issued a six page memorandum to all Freemasons in the state to clarify the proper way to Masonically address members of the fraternity, and requested that the membership sign and return the form on the last page, certifying that they understand the rules.

"We aren't sure what prompted this," said Bro. Leon Wayne Racy, Very Worshipful Past District Tiler. "I think that somebody said something to the Most Worshipful Grand Master during his installation, and that set him off, but I'm not sure what, since I was across the room at the bar."

Other sources at the event, however, painted a different picture, and reported to The Past Bastard with a request for anonymity.

"I was standing across from the His Excellency, The Most Worshipful Grand Master at the table with the cheese and crackers, when I saw some wet-behind-the-ears kid come up to him and shake his hand. All the kid said was "Congratulations, brother," and the next thing I knew, the Most Worshipful Grand Master was getting all red in the face. I couldn't really understand what he was saying, but it sounded like the poor kid said something wrong, and it set the Most Worshipful Grand Master off."

The Most Worshipful Grand Lodge is gearing up to make sure that the members understand how important it is to properly address their Masonic superiors by making it part of the proficiency examinations.

"While most Freemasons are aware of, and may even enjoy, the proliferation of titles and other formalities," explained Bro. Jose Nieves, Right Worshipful Grand Regional Overseer of the Work. "They can be confusing to the newer members; and especially to the younger guys who have not grown up with such finer points of etiquette. It's up to us, the guys who have been in for years, to show them the right way to do things."

EDIT: Our highly underpaid (okay, unpaid) interns were too distracted with the holiday eggnog from the office party, and submitted a picture from a lodge that had absolutely nothing to do with the Most Excellently Worshipful Grand Lode of Iowa. We have replaced that picture with a more appropriate illustration. Our interns sincerely regret the error.

-- Bro. Conte Calvino Gliostro

-- Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

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Grand Lodge of Arkansas in meltdown after hacker releases emails

Grotto Falls, AR - The Grand Lodge of Arkansas is reported to be "in a meltdown" over the releases of several hundred emails between members of Grand Lodge and a number of district officers. 

With the Grand Lodge Annual Communication on the horizon, notorious Masonic hacker "Synonymous" released emails from the last three years, apparently stolen right from the Grand Lodge AOL account itself. 

The contents of some emails are between district officers and Grand Lodge members discussing which Masons in the districts might be eligible for nomination to DDGM positions, and which ones would be blackballed for various reasons. Many emails are between the Grand Master and several other GL members, discussing ways to get members to pay more to the Grand Lodge general fund. 

The Grand Junior Warden, who asked to remain unnamed, offered up his opinion on the matter. "We think it's California just trying to stir up trouble. We know that's where the hackers live, and they've never liked us."

The emails are currently being released on MasonicLeaks, a web site run by Synonymous, a hacker known in the tech savvy online Masonic circles. 

The Grand Master has suggested that Synonymous is working for the Grand Lodge of California, in an effort to rile up the membership before the upcoming Grand Lodge elections. Opponents have suggested that the accusations are a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the emails, themselves, which have shown the Grand Lodge of Arkansas in a very poor light. 

The most damaging emails are those showing various GL officers making fun of the WMs and other officers of various lodges around the state, and those suggesting that some Past Masters would consider paying for extra table lodge tickets in order to win the favor of the Grand Master. Members of various districts were named, showing their proposed contributions. Several email chains show Grand Officers discussing how they might get nine potential donors to be part of the Grand Master's foursome in the annual Grand Lodge golf tournament. 

"Members of the Craft have suspected for years that the Grand Officers just look down on us, and consider us to be an irritation. Now we have proof," said Worshipful Brother Ned Snowden. "You can bet your ass when Grand Lodge comes around, we're not going to be voting for the progressive line officers."

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Grand Master Conducts Masonic Survey by Polling Self; Unable to Find Anything Wrong with Craft

Lexington, SC - Officers of the Grand Lodge of South Carolina are ecstatic after getting the results back from an "unprecedented effort" to survey the Craft within the grand jurisdiction. Spurred on by recent "wildly successful" efforts by the Scottish Rite and Masonic podcasters to utilize surveys to ascertain the cause of membership decline, Most Worshipful Joe Snow, Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of South Carolina created his own survey to poll the Craft.
 

"The results weren't shocking at all.," said Bro. Howard Wisenstein of the Grand Lodge Committee on Membership. "According to the survey results, the Craft is overwhelmingly supportive of the Grand Master and his initiatives."

When pressed further about the survey's sample size and polling practices utilized to conduct the survey, Bro. Howard explained, "...The Grand Master wanted to do this right, so he took a page out of the Gallup playbook. Understanding that Gallup's nationwide political polls only capture 1 in 200,000 Americans, and given the grand jurisidiction's total membership of a little over 35,000, Most Worshipful only needed a sample size of 1 to provide a representative cross-cut of Masonry in South Carolina. Naturally, he chose at random based on who happened to be in his office at the time and ended up conducting the survey on himself."
 

"The Grand Lodge Committee on Membership is still analyzing the results of the survey effort, but preliminary data suggests that this is the best year that South Carolina Masonry has ever had!," MW Snow exclaimed. "Based on the overwhelming satisfaction on the part of the Craft, I'd expect our membership numbers to increase significantly over the next several years, especially if my successors continue my initiatives. We could very well see the resurgence of Masonry for the first time since the 1960's!"

The Grand Lodge of South Carolina will be writing up a comprehensive after-action plan once the results are fully analyzed, but has already begun to budget funds for two "must have" programs according to the survey: expansion of area Masonic youth groups and the funding of the Grand Master's Lady's book club. 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Master of Arizona Confers Jurisdiction's Highest Masonic Award. You’ll Never Guess On Whom.

Phoenix, AZ--On Saturday, Freemasons from across the state of Arizona made a pilgrimage to Phoenix to the annual Grand Lodge Convocation to purchase overpriced Masonic swag, attend tedious meetings, usher in the next iteration of the progressive grand line and, perhaps most importantly, witness the Grand Master’s conferral of the “Hiram Award for Masonic Lifetime Achievement” on a worthy brother. Speculation as to this year’s recipient was a topic of hot debate leading up to the convocation, past recipients having included the likes of actor John Wayne, senator Barry Goldwater, and creator of the bolo tie James-Robert Peuderschmidt.

The hot debate over this year’s recipient turned to shock as Most Worshipful Joe Snow took the stage and announced that, this year, he would be conferring the Hiram Award on none other than the current Grand Master of Arizona--himself! “When it comes down to it,” MW Snow explained, “I realized that I have done more for Masonry than anyone in this jurisdiction--especially this year. I truly could not think of anyone more deserving to receive this award. Please join me in giving myself a hand!” 
 

Brother Jim Johnson-Dreisenbock, Worshipful Master of Durka Durka Lodge in Douglas, AZ, expressed his support to The Past Bastard: “Frankly I’m surprised Most Worshipful hadn’t already received that award. Usually, our Grand Lodge Officers make it a habit to confer awards on fellow Grand Line members. While I had hoped that this year Most Worshipful would have bucked that trend by choosing a lesser Grand Line member like his Administrative Assistant or Official Photographer, I ultimately can’t argue with his choice.”

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Master Combats Membership Decline with Edict Banning Creativity

Fargo, ND--Most Worshipful Joe Snow, Grand Master of North Dakota, has issued an edict banning creativity and innovation in lodges across the grand jurisdiction, reportedly to combat a decades' long decline in Masonic membership. Among other items, the edict cites tradition as a supreme fraternal unifying force and mandates that tradition be adhered to in its entirety.

In speaking to The Past Bastard, MW Snow stated: "We've got a real problem here in Masonry. If we don't do something about declining membership, we're gonna die out. Back in the 40's when I first became a Mason, we practically couldn't keep up with all the petitions coming through our doors--and our lodge didn't even have a telephone! Much less this social media stuff." MW Snow continued, "...if we're going to return to the glory days of Masonry--especially as it was during my year as Master in 1952--we need to get back to our roots. No more of this internet nonsense. No more hokey philosophy-centric educational programs. Only when we've truly embraced our tradition of spaghetti dinners and good old boy networks will we return to our golden age as a fraternity."

When questioned on the sustainability of his policies, MW Snow seemed certain they would endure: "Of course this edict is going to endure! I've received written statements of support from each of my Grand Line officers that they'll continue it after my year." When asked about the prospect of bringing a younger demographic into the Grand Line, MW Snow scoffed: "Give 'em 20-30 years. Then they'll be ready. That is, if they've had their turn as a district-wide officer by then."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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