Featured: The Most Connected Lodge in the World

Palo Alto, CA -- "We are probably the single most connected lodge in the US, if not the entire world," said Berkley Mosaic, Worhipful Master of Gateway Lodge No. 502, deep in the heart of Silicon Valley. "While other lodges have a DC, or Director of Ceremonies, we have a Director of Communications.."

WB Mosaic told The Past Bastard, "A lot of our members are tech users, and have moved in and out of the area as the work changes, and we want to keep the members informed and, more importantly, engaged. That's why, years before most lodges even had an email address, we already had a T1 line, optical fiber, and our own web server right in the second floor office. Our original web page was hand coded by some of the guys that actually contributed to the early Hypertext Markup standards, although now we just have a Wordpress template because it's easier to maintain from our mobiles."

The server closet houses the high tech equipment that
allows the members of Gateway Lodge No. 502
to remain in constant contact with each other.

The Director of Communications, WB Steve Case, told us,"Personally, while I don't mind the web page, it's static media. People don't communicate that way. Over the last ten or twelve years, we've been very heavy on 'push' information: we have automatic SMS and WhatsApp messages for reminders and meeting updates. We maintain a Google Hangout group for the building committee, and some of the guys abroad keep updated with our WeChat account. Naturally we have a Facebook page for listing meeting highlights, events, and stuff like that. One of our guys, Nathan Motif, built a social media aggregator that will send out the notices onto Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, LinkdIn, Foursquare, Xanga, Instagram, MeWe, Google Plus, Vero, and LiveJournal."

"Nobody can possibly miss a notice with all this going on," WB Moasic added. "In fact, we have a voice transcription of the minutes, so right after the meetings, brothers get a PDF copy, and a link to a SoundCloud file where they can actually hear the minutes being read."

WB Mosaic went on to tell us, "Last year, we installed webcams at all the officers stations, plus near a few other seats in the sidelines, and set it up so that brothers elsewhere could connect on a digitally secure line, and watch the meetings in real time. It was great for some of the old-timers, too, who don't get out much anymore."

The Past Bastard asked WBs Mosaic and Case how much all the enhanced communication has increased attendance.

"Umm, yeah, that's the odd thing," WB Case said. "We don't quite understand it, but the attendance at meetings has actually dropped off. We thought it was a seasonal thing, but over the last couple of years, we hardly get anyone but officers attending, and sometimes they just Skype in from their home."

"Some people have suggested that giving the guys so much information has made it, well, unnecessary for them to even come to meetings anymore," said WB Mosaic, "but I find that hard to believe. We're writing up a SurveyMonkey to explore it this weekend."

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Grand Master moves to posthumously expel George Washington

Alexandria, VA - In a shocking turn of events, The Past Bastard has learned that Most Worshipful Vermin Crook, the Grand Master of Virginia, has put forward plans to posthumously expel George Washington from membership in Freemasonry. Sources close to the Grand Lodge, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, cite the strained relationship between the Grand Lodge and one of its subordinates, namely Alexandria-Washington Lodge #22, as the catalyst for the expulsion of the most famous American Freemason who ever lived: "Ever since Most Worshipful Crook busted in and took the Lodge's charter back in April, he's been trying to root out the cause of the Lodge's so-called 'deviant' behavior," said one source, "after he forcibly removed from office the AW-22 Worshipful Master, Senior Warden, Secretary, Treasurer, Almoner, Stewards, a bunch of past masters, and two non-masons who happened to show up for dinner, the Grand Master set his sights on Bro. Washington."

When The Past Bastard asked why the Virginia Grand Master felt it necessary to press charges against Bro. George Washington, our source replied: "There we two things working against Bro. Washington at that point. First, Most Worshipful Crook felt that Bro. Washington's reckless and rebellious lifestyle, as evidenced by his fighting against the British in the American Revolution, instilled a precedent for deviant behavior on the part of his future Lodge brethren. Second, Most Worshipful Crook feels that Bro. Washington should be held responsible as the founder of AW-22. We can't really blame the Grand Master for his position--these tensions wouldn't exist had the Lodge never been founded!"

"In the end," another anonymous source stated, "the Grand Lodge was left with few options. We could have suspended him and held a Masonic trial, but we all knew he wouldn't show up for it. The Grand Master decided we needed a clean break. He is looking forward to putting this unpleasantness behind him."

The Past Bastard reached out to the Grand Lodge of Virginia for comment, but the only response we received directed us to review the Grand Lodge's "Social Media, Public Relations, Information Technology, and the Internet is the Invention of Satan and You Should Never Ever Ever Use It" Policy and, to be honest, our writers had an easier time translating Morals and Dogma into Pig Latin than we did in deciphering that tome.

-Exalted Patron Doctor Dorian Dalton

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MSA to take aim at Fake News websites

Washington, DC -- Spurred on by the increasing number of Freemasons using the Internet, the Masonic Services Association joined forces with the US Office of Masonic Affairs to draft a guideline for Freemasons who appear to be continually taken in by what the media is now calling "Fake News."

"One of the many issues that we see with Freemasons who have recently discovered social media like MySpace, Buzz, and Xanga, is that may of them fall for pretty much anything that's published. They seem to have this mindset that if it's on the internet, then it must be true," said Lee Wayne Tracey, Director of Online Research at the Office of Masonic Affairs. "They then copy and paste the information into their emails and send it all over the Information Superhighway, where it ends up in chain letters, bulletin boards, and sometimes lodge newsletters."

But why now?

"Our concern is that the fake news stories are being spread too quickly, so our plan is to put up a list of websites to be aware of. If a brother is copying a link from a website, they should check that website against our list of sites known for spreading fake news."

The Office of Masonic Affairs explained that the list would contain information site, as well as sites run by web loggers, or "bloggers," who are becoming a common source of fake news for many internet using Freemasons.

"First on the list will be the well known website of Chris Hodapp," Brother Tracey explained. "While Brother Hodapp claims to have had verification for his stories, the fact that he does not release names of these anonymous "brothers" from which he gets most of his inside news indicates that some of those news items are probably fabricated or at least exaggerated."

Tracey went on to describe how one can spot fake news by using the Freemasonry for Dummies website as an example.

"Sharp readers will notice that most of his news stories take place in just a few states, like, Georgia, Arkansas, or Tennessee; states where there are very few Masons to begin with. That means that he could easily fabricate stories about events there, and nobody would ever know."

Brother Tracey hopes that the new website will soon become a common resource for Freemasons.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Grand Lodge of Minnesota institutes social media policy

Bloomington, MN - Following the example of the United Grand Lodge of England, which recently published a social media policy for Freemasons, the Grand Lodge of Minnesota has issued its own guidelines for members who are active online.

"We didn't really want to curtail the free speech of our members," a Grand Lodge representative told The Past Bastard. "It's just that over the last few years, as more of our brothers discovered MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, and Google Plus, we've discovered that a lot of Masons are, to be frank, major asshats once they get behind a keyboard."

Speaking to us on a condition of anonymity ("I'm not allowed to discuss Grand Lodge proceedings," he told us), he explained the reasons behind the new guidelines. "We've got a huge problem today. Masons across the world are connected in ways like never before, but for some reason, when they get behind a keyboard, they immediately forget every single thing they've been taught about tolerance, temperance, and propriety."

Noting that the proliferation of Masonic groups on Facebook has made it easier than ever to have an argument with people around the country, and even around the globe, our source told us, "That's why this policy is necessary. The past several years have demonstrated that the internet causes most Masons to lose all semblance of self-control and critical thinking skills; it's the job of the Grand Lodge to remind them to keep inviolable their obligations as good men and Masons as they navigate the information superhighway."

He went on to outline some of the basics of the new policy. "Some of it is basic netiquette stuff, not to mention essential internet safety. You know, things like, don't give out your personal information such as phone or credit card numbers, and especially do not give any information out to Nigerian Princes, or to cute twenty year old girls who have a one week old Facebook account. And if you see something that looks interesting, check it out with Hoax Slayers or Snopes before passing it along to the rest of the guys on your lodge email list. Oh, and most importantly, please observe Wheaton's Law."

We asked our anonymous source about letting social, or rather, social media Darwinism handle those members who weren't able to handle themselves in virtual public. "Most of our older Masons are brand new to the internet. They simply don't understand the way it works. The Grand Lodge cannot, in good conscience, suspend or expel a brother for unmasonic conduct on the internet without first giving him a policy that explains he'll be suspended or expelled for unmasonic conduct on the internet," he told us. "Plus, it keeps us from getting sued if one of our members starts committing acts of libel or selling his brethren's Social Security numbers."

He also stressed that some members could benefit from installing the West Gate browser plugin to block offensive content in case one simply cannot handle alternative viewpoints.

The Past Bastard's anonymous source closed the conversation by explaining that, perhaps, not everyone should be on the internet in the first place -- an assertion with which The Past Bastard is in complete agreement.

"On the internet, everyone has a voice," he said, "but, like in real life, just because anyone can speak doesn't mean that they should."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster
- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Freemasons nationwide laud moon landing 47 years late

Wapakoneta, OH - Over the past week, Freemasons nationwide have taken to social media to celebrate the first successful moon landing about 47 years late. What began as a simple nostalgic "Freemasons and the moon landing" post on an unassuming Freemasonry-related Facebook group soon blossomed into a full-on celebration of Masonic achievement noted on both Chris Hodapp's blog and the news portion of the Masonic Roundtable podcast, all because no one checked the date of the article being shared to assess how current the events described therein happened to be.

Posting on the popular Masonic Facebook group Almost All Things Masonic, Bro. Joe Snow announced: "Huge news! I can't believe we've actually made it to the moon! Maybe one day they'll make a movie out of these events and cast Matt Damon as Buzz Aldrin? I've heard he's a Freemason. We'll all be sitting around one day saying 'I remember where I was in 2016, the day that man (and a Freemason, no less!) first landed on the moon.'"

Sources close to The Past Bastard who spoke on the condition of anonymity asserted that this misunderstanding had reached Grand Lodge levels. "I just got out of a meeting with the Grand Master of Ohio," the source explained, "who has decided to extend an honorary membership to Neil Armstong for his efforts. In addition, our Grand Master is now deciding whether or not to charter an affinity lodge related to space travel to mark the occasion. He is thinking about naming the lodge after the Sea of Tranquility, the location on the moon where the astronauts landed."

While this writer for The Past Bastard believes that man's space achievements should most certainly be lauded, he exhorts his fellow brethren to check the dates of the articles they intend to share before passing them off as 'breaking news.'

- SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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CGMNA Develops Chrome Plugin to Block Intolerant Content

Following the tragic mass shooting in Orlando, FL, the Conference of Grand Masters’ (CGMNA) Social Media and Internet Use Committee has released a new Chrome Plugin which developers have named "West Gate."

“West Gate is designed to block intolerant content on a number of social media platforms,” explained Jim Tranor, CGMNA’s Chief Social Media Director. “We will also be updating the list of intolerant or offensive post types on an ongoing basis.”

West Gate uses language cues to block content that the user finds offensive. Some default terms will be included, with options to add anything linked from a list of offensive websites. When terms or phrases posted on a social media platform fits the criteria, a picture of a wall with a closed door will replace the content. The user then has the option to click the door to see the offending content or to ignore the content which has been flagged as Masonically offensive.

Highlighting the problem found within social media and the way Masons interact with each other, as well as how each Mason presents himself to the public, Tranor was upbeat. “In Masonry, we teach the basic rule of tolerance. Most of our founding documents focus on how to bring men of different faiths together to promote harmony. But, we are also dwindling in membership. Letting even one Mason drop for non-payment of dues affects all of our Grand Lodge members’ bottom lines. Those two goals, to retain members who may leave if told to stop posting offensive content, whether they be religiously insensitive, homophobic, or racist, as well as to retain those who, like most Americans, find those ideas to be offensive, can be competing at times. We wanted to design something that would allow all Masons to co-exist peacefully."

The browser plugin will be paid for by inserted and pop-up advertising. “We’re very excited to be introducing ad revenue to this plugin, as well," Tranor said. "It means that we will be able to keep updating the list of offensive content, and ensure that our users stay happy.” Some of the early advertisers include Breitbart, Russia Today, Make America Great Again (Donald J Trump 2016), and the Knights Templar Magazine.

-The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°



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Grand York Rite Bodies Announce Sweeping Website Upgrades; Unveil Partnership with GeoCities

Greenfield, IN - On Monday, the General Grand Chapter of Royal Arch Masons, in concert with the General Grand Council of Cryptic Masons International and the Grand Encampment of the Knights Templar, announced their intention to modernize a collection of over twenty York Rite-related websites in order to better reach young Masons across the United States. These Grand York Rite bodies also announced, as part of this modernization plan, their intention to move past utilizing HTML editor to build their websites by partnering with GeoCities.

Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the General Grand Chapter, explained the announcement further: "We have realized that the key to the future of our organizations lay with the masses of young Masons on the world wide web. That's why we've taken such a drastic measure to make sure that the glory of the York Rite is showcased as much as possible; we can't think of any better way to do just that than to partner with GeoCities for all of our future webdesign needs."

When asked why the Grand York Rite bodies chose GeoCities vice other webdesign applications such as WordPress or Dream Weaver, Bro Snow replied that it was the longstanding York Rite webmaster's idea. "We approached our webmaster about modernizing our websites using FrontPage 97, but he didn't feel that most Masons would be able to navigate a page constructed by such an advanced program. He was adamant that GeoCities should be the way of the future as far as York Rite websites are concerned, and we wholeheartedly agree." 
 

While the Grand York Rite bodies are looking to modernize their websites in the short term, they are also looking to expand their social media footprint. Bro Snow continued, "We're working on creating a social media presence next. We toyed around with the idea of Friendster, but our webmaster informed us that the best place on the information superhighway to reach young people today is Myspace, and we're looking forward to joining that community as soon as possible!"

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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