Job's Daughters International issues new trademark infringement lawsuit

Papillion, NE - This week, the leadership of Job's Daughter's International, still bitterly waging a litigation war against a clothing designer in Washington State, announced its intent to serve a summons to none other than the Great Architect of the Universe (GAOTU)--known colloquially as "God"--for trademark infringement due to the Biblical story of Job. Sources close to JDI Supreme Headquarters, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity for fear of being shunned and summarily expelled from the order without just cause, stated that the JDI leadership has their eyes on the Bible for quite some time: "Job's Daughters leadership is well aware that the Bible printing industry is the most profitable book industry in the world. They feel that, as trademark holders to the Job name and story, they should receive their fair share or, if all else fails, get the Book of Job removed from the Bible altogether. They find it offensive that God is profiting off of their intellectual property, and they want to put an end to it."

The Past Bastard reached out to the JDI Supreme Headquarters in Nebraska for comment. Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the JDI Supreme Headquarters, remarked: "This case is quite clear. Job's Daughters International owns all trademarks and copyrights to the name and story of Job. It doesn't matter if God had the story written down first; the fact of the matter is He didn't copyright it and we did. I'm afraid He really doesn't have a leg to stand on."

When asked about the Job's Daughters' desire to remove the Book of Job from the Bible, Bro. Snow explained: "Of course we don't want to eradicate the story of Job. We simply want to limit the availability of unauthorized versions. The myriad different translations of the Bible that exist today dilute the true story of Job and really make it difficult for our girls to memorize their ritual. After this mess is behind us, we here at Job's Daughters promise that anyone who wants to read the Book of Job will be able to purchase the Official Licensed Edition(TM) from our e-commerce site!"

-SK Bro. Mason Buhrmaster

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God Kills Candidate for Using Wrong VSL

Pope County, Arkansas—Police and fire crews responded to an apparent explosion Friday evening at McDoodle Lodge #137, as a man was literally smote by God. The reason? “We asked him which Volume of Sacred Law he preferred on the altar for his obligation, he said he would prefer to use the Bagvadhgita.” Moments later, eye witnesses reported a sound of thunder and the man in question exploding.

Like a scene right out of “This is Spinal Tap”, when the band talked of their famed drummer rumored to have “…just exploded.”, not much was left but a few globules. When reached out for comment the Master of the lodge, Nick Florentino had this to say-- “I can only assume he chose the wrong VSL, around here, we use the St. James Bible, and God made that clear today.”

The fire chief and police investigators were at a loss but did say that “…this kind of thing happens from time to time, especially in the bible belt. There’s just no room for alternate view points down here.” The man’s family could not be reached for comment. The lodge will hold a “clean up day” to remove all traces of God’s handiwork. Remember, before they pick the VSL of their choice, ask them another question... "WWJD?"

The Bagvadhgita is a holy book used by countless Hindus in religious practices and contains an extremely rich history.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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