Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to Finally Release Ritual & Monitor

Lexington Massachusetts—The Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction released some incredible news via their email newsletter, Squad Updates. “For many years there has been a lack of education within the NMJ, and this is partly due to not having a solid reference guide to our rituals.”, said a spokesperson from the Supreme Council. “Its a very exciting day that we announce the first ever AASR NMJ Ritual and Monitor!”

One member from the project was quoted saying, “The Southern Jurisdiction has for years, produced a fine copy of their Ritual Monitor with decent notes on the degrees by Scottish Rite Historian, Arturo de Hoyos, so it’s time we did the same thing.” There is one huge difference however in the NMJ’s approach. This will be a “living” ebook. A spokesman explained “Due to the constant updates and rewrites by Jaime C. Tongueballs, it was impossible to release a Monitor since it would be rewritten by the time the brothers received it. In this way, we can instantly upload the rewrites whenever Jaime conjures them up."

The “living” ebook will be released later this month when Grand Wiz Tongueballs finishes his on-location video shoot of a new set of degrees in New Zealand. Reports are, he enlisted Peter Jackson’s production company for the endeavor. That story forth coming. For now, enjoy the book that keeps on giving…because it keeps on changing. 

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Scottish Rite to Unify for "Scottish Rite Day" in November - Separate but Equal No More

Washington, DC—Valleys all over the United States are starting to send out notifications to their membership regarding the first ever Scottish Rite Day, which will take place on November 12^th, 2016. In this historic move the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction and the Southern Jurisdiction will come together for a day of celebration and unity. This event represents a significant shift in atmospherics in the Scottish Rite given the often unmentioned tensions which have historically existed between the two “separate but equal” organizations.

There will be many amazing things happening that day, the least of which will be a series of statewide 32^nd degree conferrals and a new Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Jewel which features no delineation between either jurisdiction. 

The Past Bastard reached out to the PR reps for both organizations, who explained: “…the jewels were initially struck when the organizations decided on a policy of mutual forgiveness. The Northern Masonic Jurisdiction forgave the Southern Jurisdiction for not using the word “Masonic” in their title, and the Southern Jurisdiction forgave the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction for existing altogether. This act of mutual forgiveness spawned a plan to unify the bodies into one.”

Negotiations for a larger unification effort reportedly fell apart when members on both Supreme Councils “realized there could only be one Sovereign Grand Commander.” However, in true brotherly fashion, the Scottish Rite jurisdictions brought order from chaos when they decided to keep the date anyway and notionally celebrate the Scottish Rite as a whole. A spokesperson for the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction commented: "We couldn't just drop the event altogether because we have a contract with Netflix to produce a documentary on the unification effort. Nonetheless, this event is a good way to 'test the waters' and gauge interest for a greater unification effort."

While these jurisdictions might not ever see eye-to-eye, The Past Bastard is certain that this first stab at unification is sure to be a completely underwhelming event with an attendance somewhere in the tens in valleys all over the country.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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New Years Initiative: Lodge Offers $1.00 Dues to Men Who Just Want the Association

Seattle, WA - Newberry Lodge is among a few in the district who are offering a new initiative. While lodge dues are going up all over the nation, Newberry’s are going down…for some. In a landmark move Newberry is offering $1.00 dues to men who have been long time members but do not attend.

John S. Ward, Worshipful Master said “We know they're out there, and we know they value the membership, but they don’t attend. So why make them pay for all the amazing things we’re doing in a lodge? They just want the membership, so they can pay for the $1.00 version.” Members taking on the $1.00 membership will of course get what they paid for, that being email notifications, robo-calls and a special dues card which signifies their member status or tier.

The idea of tiered Masonry is somewhat of a new concept that's being put in place. Members on the $1.00 plan will have restrictions, for instance; they must donate the required amount before eating, are not invited to special dinners and can not visit other lodges. “Folks complain about the dues being high, but they aren’t here to see what we do, so if they don’t see the value, they don’t want to pay for it. This solves it.” said WB. Ward.

Some members have complained that this is "unbrotherly", the idea of a tiered system, but when the lodge invited them to come out for the vote, they didn’t show.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Pike Awakens; AASR SJ Announces Plans to Clone Albert Pike for SJ Podcast

Washington, DC—A spokesman for the Southern Jurisdiction of the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite announced over the weekend at a sold out charity event the plans to clone Albert Pike in order to produce a truly successful Scottish Rite podcast. The multi-million dollar project will be paid for by the Celebrate the Craft event and its success will ride solely on contributors to the campaign.

With laudable attempts such as The Life Masonic and The Tyler’s Place, which have ultimately failed to gather any continued steam after their initial launch, the Supreme Council hopes that their new show hosted by the cloned Albert Pike will provide that missing element for audio endeavors of Scottish Rite masons wheresoever dispersed.

“Look, it’s no secret the SJ has been glorifying Albert Pike and riding his coattails since he died.” Said Brother John Falafel, 32˚ and a member of the Valley of Washington Scottish Rite. “He will bring balance to the craft and provide meaningful content while at the same time providing a voice for endless plugs for his own show.”

"The process will involve a series of careful steps which the organization has been careful to lay out." Brother Falafel continued, "Everything will start with a careful exhumation of his [Pike’s] remains which have been in the House of the Temple for over seventy years. After that they will attempt to extract DNA from a tooth, assuming they can find one. The DNA samples will then be taken to a laboratory in Washington where the growing process will begin."

Daniel Waters a chief scientist who has signed on to the project pro bono said “It will be a delicate process. We will need to decelerate the growth at just the right time so that we have Pike in his prime. Too soon and he won’t have the credibility with older members, too long and we risk getting a crotchety old bastard.”

Although the just-announced project is still a year away from any CTC fundraising revenue, work on extraction will soon be under way, explained Brother Falafel: “With the crumbling walls of the House of the Temple, it should be relatively easy to pull down the edifice surrounding the remains.”

The countdown to the best Masonic podcast ever is underway and this reporter, can’t wait. The Exalted Masonic Hour of Power with Albert Pike is set to start casting on January 2017. 

--Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Famed Author David Icke to Sponsor Reptilian Masonic Charity

Isle of Wight, UK--Famed author and conspiracy theorist David Icke who has written several books on the hidden agenda of the world's elite and lectures on the Reptilian Alien Agenda announced last week on "The Blaze" that he would be hosting the first ever Reptilian Overlords Charity Ball.

Years of making claims of the Reptilians' "Masonic" agenda and exposing the world for what it really is, Icke has finally announced that "...When the Reptilians arrive, it will be because they need a new world; they will be impoverished, and that means they will need our assistance." David has held a long stance against the Masonic Reptilian agenda but says he just can't stand by when he knows someone might need help.

Years ago, Icke announced on the telly that he was Jesus Christ but has since forgotten that it ever happened. He cites that it may have been "Reptilian Mind Control" which made him act the way he did. Icke who has been mostly dormant for the last few years hopes that the charity ball will be held in the UGLE and that Reptilians from around the world, who are already living amongst us, will attend.

Menu items will include human blood, goats, and other Reptilian delicacies as well as pancakes for all the Masons sure to attend the event. Fundraising efforts will be facilitated through direct donations in the form of checks payable directly to David Icke or prospective donors can support the Reptilian Agenda by buying a T-Shirt on Teespring.

The UGLE has refused to comment on the event, but several keynote speakers are scheduled to appear. Among Icke, Alex Jones is said to be scheduled for an appearance and a talk about the New World Order, but only if they can guarantee him a 72 oz steak and a case of PBR. Jim Marrs, former newspaper journalist, will also be there promoting his new book, "Aliens, Freemasons, and my Awesome Beard".

This is one conference /  charity ball I won't be missing. Chaz Nagler....out.

-Dr. Worshipful Chaz Nagler 49˚

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Reading of the Minutes Causes Appreciation for Life

Blacksburg, VA—Masons gather to attend the monthly stated meeting with excitement. “These meetings provide us our real purpose as Masons, reflection.” Said John Sampson, Chairman of the lodge’s membership retention committee. While lodges around the country struggle with retaining young members due to the lack of education and personal development, this lodge has seemed to figure it out.

“The key is in the reading and approving of the minutes.” says Worshipful Master, Terry Finkle. We at the Past Bastard asked a few new Master Masons their thoughts on this new way of thinking, “Well, reading the minutes is so painful, it causes real reflection, I’m grateful. It’s so horrible, that I think about my outside life and I appreciate it, I think about all the things I take for granted.” Another member said “When I’m having a bad day, I just think about those minutes and how unbearable it is. “At least I’m not sitting through the minutes.” has become my daily mantra, especially when I have to go to the bathroom and I’m stuck in traffic. Reading the minutes is as Esoteric as you can get.”

Perhaps this new way of looking at things can change your perspective on the minutes. Perhaps it can be that reflection and inner work your members are looking for. Perhaps reading the minutes is the new self-flagellation. This is one reporter who will try out this new technique, it sure beats thinking about blowing my brains out. Can I have a motion to accept this report? Can I get a second?

Dr. Worshipful Chaz Nagler, 49°

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God Kills Candidate for Using Wrong VSL

Pope County, Arkansas—Police and fire crews responded to an apparent explosion Friday evening at McDoodle Lodge #137, as a man was literally smote by God. The reason? “We asked him which Volume of Sacred Law he preferred on the altar for his obligation, he said he would prefer to use the Bagvadhgita.” Moments later, eye witnesses reported a sound of thunder and the man in question exploding.

Like a scene right out of “This is Spinal Tap”, when the band talked of their famed drummer rumored to have “…just exploded.”, not much was left but a few globules. When reached out for comment the Master of the lodge, Nick Florentino had this to say-- “I can only assume he chose the wrong VSL, around here, we use the St. James Bible, and God made that clear today.”

The fire chief and police investigators were at a loss but did say that “…this kind of thing happens from time to time, especially in the bible belt. There’s just no room for alternate view points down here.” The man’s family could not be reached for comment. The lodge will hold a “clean up day” to remove all traces of God’s handiwork. Remember, before they pick the VSL of their choice, ask them another question... "WWJD?"

The Bagvadhgita is a holy book used by countless Hindus in religious practices and contains an extremely rich history.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Richest Grand Lodge In US Empathetic of Small Town Lodges...Says Will Accept Foot Massages In Place of Per Capita

Allentown, PA--On Friday morning, the letters went out to the hundreds of lodges across the state giving them the good news. Up until this point the Grand Lodge was the richest in the country, not in Ritual or Tradition or anything that matters, but in cash. "The Grand Lodge has always maintained a great oversight of it's constituent Lodges" said the Right Worshipful Secretary, "We keep an eye on their accounts for them and you know, tell them when they can have their own money."

But this year it was different, "Many of the Lodges we send out letters to in order to collect per capita, just didn't have it, so we devised a way that those lodges could still serve the Grand Lodge and it's officers." said the RW Secretary. This year the Grand Lodge sent out, along with the per capita notices a voucher which they could turn in at the annual communications which would allow them the opportunity to absolve the Lodge of it's debts by giving out foot massages to the Grand Lodge Officers who stand on their feet all meeting long.

When reached out for comment on this new policy, one Worshipful Master of Hipster Finch Lodge #31 said "You know, I am just glad we can do something for the Grand Lodge, sure they have all their money and ours and we can't cook green beans without their okay, but that's why their Grand Lodge and our members understand that." Another Brother, a Jr. Warden said "I'm broke, my wife and kids ate Little Caesars Pizza again last night. I applied for aid with the Grand Lodge, you know Fraternal Assistance? Well, our lodge hadn't paid up on per capita, so I was ineligible. This offers our lodge a chance to catch up and maybe, the Grand Lodge will help my family and I out.

Well, this reporter will definitely be attending the Grand Lodge's Sessions, maybe steal an officers jewel and get a good rub down, because these dogs are barkin'!

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚ 

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Shriners On Parade Mistaken for Doctor Who Fan Club

Astoria, OR--A recent Main St. parade, frequented by the town's most active social clubs and small businesses, brought out the multitude of crowds from all over the county. The local Shrine Divan marched proudly, displaying the colors, banners and of course, wearing their trademark regalia--The Fez. Smiles abound as the jolly men cruised around in their mini-corvettes. There was some disappointment however as there were only a few of the famed small cars due to the strict emission standards of the local community.

The real party started when hundreds of bystanders spotted the ocean of fezzes and assumed it was a Doctor Who Fan Club. The crowds took to the parade and the Shriners, and when asked about membership in the Doctor Who Fan Club, members of the Shrine cheerfully handed out petitions. When asked for comment, the Potentate said "...by the time they figure out what they joined, it's be too late, this will be good for membership."

One Doctor Who fan, Daniel Miles, showed real excitement for the parade saying,  "This is just so great! It's great to see all these "Whovians" out in force, I don't know what's up with those small cars though, personally I would have had a few homemade Daleks."

This is one reporter who will keep wearing his bow ties...."Don't Blink"

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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