Grand Lodge pulls recognition from Cuba after negotiations stall over "clandestine" cigars

Havana, Cuba - Relations between the Grand Lodge of Cuba and the Grand Lodge of Florida are on the rocks again as the Grand Lodge of Florida last week rescinded recognition of the Grand Lodge of Cuba, reportedly due to stalled negotiations on the quality of Cuban cigars delivered to the Grand Lodge of Florida as part of the original terms for recognition. Sources close to the Grand Lodge of Florida, who spoke to The Past Bastard on the condition of anonymity, stated: "Well, the Grand Lodge of Florida only recognized them [the Grand Lodge of Cuba] in the first place because they promised to provide a steady influx of Cuban cigars for our Grand Lodge Smoker events. Lots of money to be made with high-class Smoker events. But when our first 'shipment' arrived, it was full of counterfeit cohibas that were clearly made in Florida and tasted like wet cardboard. The Smoker event was a disaster. We ran out to get some backup cigars, but Swisher Sweets just don't pair well with Glenlivet."

Brethren who attended the Smoker event have reportedly taken to labeling these goods as "clandestine cigars." Brother Joe Snow, spokesperson for the Grand Lodge of Florida, stated that the Grand lodge simply didn't see any option besides pulling recognition: "Ultimately, we had to cut our ties with the Grand Lodge of Cuba. We've been dealing with these so-called 'clandestine' Cuban cigars here for years. Part of our negotiation with the Grand Lodge of Cuba was that we wouldn't have to worry about conterfeit cigars ever again, because they'd be supplying us with a steady supply of the real thing. After the first botched shipment, it was made clear to us that the Grand Lodge of Cuba has no intention of assisting us in shutting down these clandestine fumatory activities."

With the restoration of diplomatic relations between the United States and the island nation of Cuba that occurred in 2015, many brethren hoped that years of fraternal amity might follow. Unfortunately for now, those hopes seem to have gone up in smoke.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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MSANA to roll out Masonic insurance organization for Brethren fearing discrimination

Burtonsville, MD - The Masonic Service Association of North America (MSANA) is standing up a new organization to raise funds and assist brethren who fear they might be discriminated against by their respective Grand Lodges to the point of indefinite suspension and/or expulsion from the fraternity. The newly-christened "Masonic Insurance Association," or MIA for short, is reportedly rolling out a set of insurance policies geared toward reimbursing petition fees, degree fees, dues and, in some cases, even regalia costs.

Bro. Joe Snow, Executive Director of the MIA, sat down with The Past Bastard to discuss the organization's new campaign: "It's been an unsettling year for Freemasonry in North America. As reports of brethren being removed from the fraternity due to race, sexual preference, and even internet usage are rising precipitously across the country, we here at the MIA can't stand idly by. We can't reverse the Grand Lodge decisionmaking process--or lack thereof--but we can lessen the emotional burden on a brother facing potential discriminatory penalties by giving him an avenue to recoup the money previously spent on Freemasonry. With our help, the only thing you can't get back is your time."

Bro. Snow continued by explaining that the policies would run on a sliding scale of benefits. "Naturally, one size doesn't fit all here. Different brethren suffer from different amounts of paranoia..er...I mean concern. You'll edit out that slip of the tongue, right? Anyway, we've got plans to fit everyone's needs whether you just want your petition fees or annual dues covered up to full life memberships! Under certain circumstances, we can even do a regalia rider."

When asked how the insurance premiums would be calculated, Bro. Snow explained: "The MIA takes a wide variety of factors into account when assigning premiums. Each applicant will be required to fill out a questionnaire that polls demographic data such as race, religion, and sexual preference, as well as questions on how active a presence one maintains on social media or how much one enjoys esoteric research topics. The applicant's Grand Jurisdiction also weighs heavily. As one could guess, an applicant from volatile jurisdictions such as Arkansas or Tennessee will, on the aggregate, see higher premiums than one from California or Washington, D.C. We run those factors and more through a highly trained algorithm to compute the lowest rate possible. It's all very scientific."

When The Past Bastard asked Bro. Joe about any exceptions or limitations to these policies, he reported: "Obviously we can't insure anyone for preexisting charges or conditions, and we only insure for cases of discrimination. Finally, those seeking compensation for lost life memberships need to be aware that the value of a given life membership depreciates on a quarterly basis."

- SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Lodge to partner with Nigerian Royal Family to form relief fund

Boise, ID: This morning, the Grand Lodge of Idaho issued a statement announcing their intent to partner with the Nigerian royal family to form a new relief fund aimed at alleviating the financial distress of brethren across the world. The idea for the aptly named "Widow's Son Nigerian Royal Relief Fund" (WSNRRF) reportedly came about from a single e-mail sent to the Grand Master of Idaho's personal America On-Line (AOL) account.

Bro. Joe Snow, chairman of the Grand Lodge of Idaho Committee on Charity, explained further: "When our Grand Master received a personal call for assistance from a representative of the Nigerian royal family, he knew that our Grand Jurisdiction couldn't stand idly by. Mr. Clement Okon, authorized representative of the Nigerian royal family, had initially appealed to the Grand Master for assistance with moving a sizeable portion of the family's inheritance to the US banking system. Mr. Okon offered the Grand Master a large fee for his services, but our Grand Master seized this opportunity to spread the Masonic virtue of charity by partnering with Mr. Okon to utilize the sum to start the Widow's Son Nigerian Royal Relief Fund!"

Per the Grand Lodge of Idaho official statement on the WSNRRF, the fund will initially have a budget of $200,000, funded completely through the generosity of the Nigerian royal family. The Grand Lodge of Idaho is working to send the $5,000 required by Mr. Okon to cover the transfer costs of the rest of the sum to the US banking system, and has already convened a board to govern the use of the relief fund.

When asked if the Grand Lodge had considered the possibility that the offer on the part of the Nigerian royal family was in some way fraudulent, Bro. Snow responded: "As Masons, we have the duty show charity to all mankind. Performing this duty to the best of our abilities at times necessitates taking brethren at their word. Mr. Okon has stressed that the transactions are '100% safe,' and I think we owe it to the people of the world to trust his judgment and expertise in this case."

The Past Bastard attempted to reach out to Mr. Okon for comment, but was unable to find either his contact information or proof of his existence. The Nigerian royal family did not immediately return requests for comment.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Lodge Officer Under Fire For Improper Ritual Storage

Richmond, VA - A high-ranking officer in the Grand Line in Virginia is coming under fire after reportedly being caught improperly storing a written copy of the Virginia Masonic ritual on an unsecured server. According to a report released by the Grand Lodge Committee on Jurisprudence, Right Worshipful Brother Joe Snow, Deputy Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Virginia and presumptive nominee for the position of Grand Master for 2017, was investigated for storing one of the only written copies of Virginia's ritual known to exist on a server in his home bathroom.

Bro. Johnathan Doe, Chairman of the Committee on Jurisprudence, spoke to The Past Bastard about the rationale for the investigation: "Virginia is widely known as a 'mouth-to-ear' state where Masonic ciphers and printed copies of the ritual are strictly forbidden. We were tipped off to the existence of Bro. Snow's unsecured server by our friends in the Grand Lodge of Russia, who expressed their concern over the perceived sloppy treatment of Masonic secrets on the part of the Deputy Grand Master. Naturally, we investigated straight away."

Despite the seriousness of the allegations, it would appear unlikely that the Bro. Snow will face any serious consequences: "The committee does not recommend Masonic charges to be filed against the Deputy Grand Master," Bro. Doe continued, "the Committee on Jurisprudence conducted a full investigation and, while we have found that Bro. Snow acted in a way that was extremely careless in the handling of Masonic secrets, we did not find clear evidence that he intended to violate the laws of the Grand Lodge. In fact, we aren't even certain that the Deputy Grand Master knew how to use the personal server he was storing underneath his bath towels. At any rate, the Deputy Grand Master's staff have said that it was a mistake to use a personal server, and have pledged not to do so again. We are glad that this matter is now resolved, and we want to emphasize that the actions of the Deputy Grand Master should not be held against him during the Grand Lodge elections later this year."

When asked about whether or not the leniency extended to the Deputy Grand Master would be a precedent extended to other brethren in the jurisdiction who might be harboring contraband rituals, Bro. Doe explained, "the Committee wants to make it clear that the outcome of this investigation and the recommendation of the Committee should not be taken as a precedent for those who might possess written rituals in the future. In fact, we will also be instituting a new technology policy immediately that governs when and how to discuss Freemasonry in general and matters of Masonic ritual in particular over e-mail and the internet and institutes strict consequences for those who fail to comply." 

Looking toward the future, Bro. Doe is optimistic that Grand Lodge will utilize the lessons learned from both this unpleasant oversight and Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign to make positive changes. "The Committee is actively working with the Grand Lodge of Russia to identify and harden vulnerabilities within our Grand Lodge information technology systems. With the new policy and infrastructure hardening in place, the committee is confident that the brethren in this Grand Jurisdiction will be better equipped to safeguard Masonry's valuable secrets in the future, or suffer the severe consequences that will come with not doing so."

The Past Bastard reached out to Bro. Snow's America Online (AOL) e-mail account for comment, but received an automated "mailbox full" notification in response.

- SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Local Masons Petition Grand Lodge to Add Wheaton's Law to Masonic Ritual

Burbank, CA - A local group of Masons is trying to reshape the way that California Freemasons conduct themselves in accordance with their obligations. Brethren from Beneficent Lodge No. 4 in Burbank have announced their official intention to petition the Grand Lodge of California to include Wheaton's Law--an axiom coined by Wil Wheaton of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame that admonishes others "not to be a dick"--in the obligations found within the Masonic ritual.

Wor. Bro. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Beneficent Lodge and the driving force behind the petition, spoke the The Past Bastard about the need to modify the ritual to make Freemasonry a more hospitable organization: "As we go through the degrees, we make a number of promises before God, but not one of those promises explicitly precludes members from being dicks to other members. As a result, Freemasonry is replete with crotchety Past Masters, elitist disciples of the Traditional Observance movement, racist and sexist district officers, and shameless title chasers that step on those around them in hopes of one day getting into some invitational body that no one else gives a damn about."

"This is why," Wor. Joe continued, "we desperately need a change in ritual. This isn't an innovation in Masonry. In fact, I believe it's getting back to the very foundation of our fraternity--it's just a shame that, in this day and age, we need to explicitly command our brethren not to be jerks to one another. That said, had the Masonic ritual of the 1700's included this caveat, perhaps the Ancients wouldn't have been jerks to the Moderns, causing the fraternity's first major schism mere decades after its official inception."

Wor. Joe further explained that the addition of Wheaton's Law to the Masonic ritual might help the organization retain members in the long run: "I know we're admonished to do good to our brethren, but right now Freemasonry is suffering from a distinct lack of consequences when brethren fail to do so. Younger Masons who are greeted with jeers, racist remarks, and elitism at the door won't--and don't--come back. Everyone talks about the need for better member retention, but it's hard to retain members when our own brethren are booting them out the door! All we're asking for is a piece of Masonic ritual that obligates a brother not to be a dick to his fellow brethren."

Wheaton's Law is an internet axiom coined in 2007 that states: "Don't be a dick." It was originally used in the context of sportsmanship in online gaming but its scope was eventually expanded to apply to life in general. In honor of Wil Wheaton's birthday, July 29th has been branded "National Don't Be A Dick Day."

The Grand Lodge of California did not immediately return request for comment, seemingly in violation of Wheaton's Law.

- SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster 

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Grand Master Finds New Masons are Disillusioned with Titles

Knockemstiff, OH - Illustrious and Most Worshipful Grand Master (MWGM) of Ohio Masons Bobby Bill, Jr., 33°, Knights of the York Court of Honour (KYCH), Knight Commander of the Court of

Honor (KCCH), Past Imperial Potentate (PIP) of the Oriental Shrine, Past Grand High Priest (PGHP) of Royal Arch Masons in Ohio, Past Right Eminent Grand Commander of The Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon (aka Knights Templar), Chief Adept of the Ohio College of the Societas Rosicruciana in Civitatibus Foederatis (SRICF), Most Illustrious Companion, Past Sovereign Grand Master of the Allied Masonic Degrees, Sovereign Grand Commander of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, Past Worthy Grand Patron of the Ohio Grand Chapter of Order of the Eastern Star, Supreme Imperial Turtle Emeritus of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Turtles, Past Grand Chancellor of the Grand College of Rites of the United States of America, First Grand Master Mason of the the Worshipful Society of Free Masons, Rough Masons, Wallers, Slaters, Paviors, Plaisterers, and Bricklayers (The Operatives), Provincial Grand Master of the Masonic Order of Athelstan, KSM, Past Sovereign Grand Preceptor of the Sovereign Order of Knights Preceptor, Honorary Past Commander-General of the Masonic Order of the Bath in the United States of America, Past Provincial Grand Master of the Royal Order of Scotland, Past Grand Preceptor of the Grand College of America Holy Royal Arch Knight Templar Priests (HRAKTP), Past Director of Muskingum Court No. 66 Royal Order of Jesters (ROJ), Past Grand Master of the Independent Order of Odd Fellows (IOOF) Grand Lodge of Ohio, Past Grand Monarch of the Mystic Order of Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm (MOVPER), Past Sovereign Grand Master of the National Sovereign Sanctuary Ancient and Primitive Rite of Memphis-Misraim for the United States and Jurisdictions, Past Grand Royal Patron of the Order of the Amaranth Grand Court of Ohio, Past Supreme Tall Cedar of the Supreme Forest Tall Cedars of Lebanon of North America, wonders why new Masons are disillusioned by titles.

 - Knight Kadeuch Kennedy MacFaulty, 69˚, of the Mediocre Elu

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NC Lodge Stands Up Against State Transgender Bathroom Law, But You'll Never Guess Why

Asheville, NC - A local Masonic lodge is taking a stand against North Carolina's Public Facilities Privacy and Security Act, known colloquially as House Bill 2, which mandates that individuals may only utilize restrooms in public spaces that correspond to the sex on their birth certificate. Bro. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Rising Feculence Lodge No. 2, explained his rationale for letting lodge members use whichever bathroom they choose: "It all comes down to the fact that we've just been wasting a lot of time on lodge nights between dinner and meeting time by not letting our members use both restrooms. Why limit our brethren to just one bathroom when we've got two at the ready? It just doesn't make sense."

Bro. Joe further explained to The Past Bastard that this historic and progressive move has further implications beyond Masonry. "We've just got men here in lodge. They should be able to use the women's bathroom just like women at the Curves gym down the street should be allowed to use the men's bathroom. The State of North Carolina shouldn't get in the way of a sweaty woman who needs to pee; and no one at all should ever get in the way of our sweaty, 350-lb Junior Warden on chili night!"

This writer of The Past Bastard is excited to watch what other progressive trails Worshipful Joe plans to blaze throughout his year in the east, and hopes that his move toward transgender bathroom equality persists after his successor is installed. One thing we can all learn from this struggle is that when it comes to bathrooms--much like progressive lines--when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Arturo De Hoyos To Translate/Update Anderson's Constitutions; Book Tour Imminent

Washington, DC - Fueled by the success that has arisen out of repackaging works written by others, Arturo de Hoyos, Grand Historian of the Scottish Rite Southern Jurisdiction, has announced his next project: an updated translation of James Anderson's Constitutions of Masonry. Bro. Joe Snow, a spokesperson for the Scottish Rite, explained: "We are incredibly pleased with Illustrious Bro. de Hoyos' decision to update one of the most foundational Masonic works ever written; his updated translation and commentary will ensure that this important historical work can be readily digested by anyone in the Craft today."

The project, tentatively entitled Art's Commentaries on Anderson's Constitutions of Masonry, is reportedly nearing completion and marketing efforts are currently under way. "We're working on a book tour now," Bro. Snow explained. "It'll be a huge deal! Come down to your local Scottish Rite valley -- well, the southern ones anyway -- pick up a book, and meet the author!" When The Past Bastard pointed out that James Anderson was, in fact, the actual author of the Constitutions, Bro. Snow stated: "As in the case of Albert Pike's Esoterika or the Scottish Rite Ritual Monitor & Guide, the original authors laid the ground work, but Bro. de Hoyos' updates perfected those 'rough' ashlars and made them accessible across the Craft for generations to come!"

Bro. Snow seems hopeful that this project will spin off others like it. "Once we get the book tour under way, we'll likely make this work required reading for the Master Craftsman XVII course. Ultimately, it is our hope the revenue opens up options for the Scottish Rite's most ambitious project yet -- Art De Hoyos' Holy Bible Monitor & Guide! As thousands of mere mortal men have been sparked by the Divine to reinterpret the literal word of God, Art de Hoyos takes on Masonry's preferred Volume of Sacred Law and finally makes it accessible to 33rds and Master Masons alike!"

Regardless of the original source of the work, one thing is clear. As long as Bro. de Hoyos keeps writing, this writer of The Past Bastard will keep reading.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Latter-Day Saints Church Seeks to Become Masonry’s Newest Appendant Body

Salt Lake City, UT – On Monday morning, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints formally announced its intent to petition the Grand Lodge of Utah for inclusion as an officially recognized Masonic appendant body within the grand jurisdiction. In a statement made on the steps outside of the church’s largest temple, Salt Lake Temple, Elder Joe Smythe explained the church’s rationale behind this historic move toward inclusion. “The move comes on the heels of months of in-depth research into the history of both our own church and the organization known as Freemasonry. It came to our attention several months ago that the Church and Freemasonry share similar grips, words, underwear, and other modes of recognition. Naturally, we launched a comprehensive investigation immediately. Given overwhelming evidence, we can now conclude that both organizations were divinely—albeit separately—inspired. It is only natural that we seek to make our disparate bodies whole, as God intended.”

 

When asked about the church’s long-term goals for Masonic integration, Elder Joe explained that recognition in Utah was only the beginning: “Of course we want to make this change at a global scale. We see the LDS Church fitting in very well in the York Rite chain of appendant bodies, and we will be contacting the Grand Encampment of Knights Templar to explore this further. As the Book of Mormon is the natural capstone to the Christian Bible, so should the LDS Church be the capstone to the ‘Christian’ branch of Freemasonry.” However, Elder Joe added that the inclusion of the LDS Church in the York Rite would necessitate some changes in practices on the part of the GEKT: “Naturally, any man who wants to join the LDS Church as a Masonic appendant body must go through the Knights Templar orders first — provided the GEKT stops serving wine during the Order of the Temple. We simply can’t budge on that one.”

 

Elder Joe appeared unfazed when he was questioned on the possibility of the shared organizational modes of recognition arising due to Joseph Smith’s affiliation with Freemasonry prior to founding the Church. “That makes complete sense!” Elder Joe exclaimed, “Naturally, Brother Joseph imparted his secrets to Freemasonry in its infancy, ensuring the two organizations would carry on his divine inspiration!”

 

This writer of The Past Bastard remains cautiously optimistic about the ability of the LDS Church to provide a substantial contributions to Freemasonry as a whole. In fact, if the church ever re-institutes the doctrine of polygamy or practice of plural marriage, it might very well singlehandedly bring women’s bodies and youth organizations back from the brink of extinction.

 

The Grand Lodge of Utah did not immediately return calls requesting comment.

 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Master Conducts Masonic Survey by Polling Self; Unable to Find Anything Wrong with Craft

Lexington, SC - Officers of the Grand Lodge of South Carolina are ecstatic after getting the results back from an "unprecedented effort" to survey the Craft within the grand jurisdiction. Spurred on by recent "wildly successful" efforts by the Scottish Rite and Masonic podcasters to utilize surveys to ascertain the cause of membership decline, Most Worshipful Joe Snow, Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of South Carolina created his own survey to poll the Craft.
 

"The results weren't shocking at all.," said Bro. Howard Wisenstein of the Grand Lodge Committee on Membership. "According to the survey results, the Craft is overwhelmingly supportive of the Grand Master and his initiatives."

When pressed further about the survey's sample size and polling practices utilized to conduct the survey, Bro. Howard explained, "...The Grand Master wanted to do this right, so he took a page out of the Gallup playbook. Understanding that Gallup's nationwide political polls only capture 1 in 200,000 Americans, and given the grand jurisidiction's total membership of a little over 35,000, Most Worshipful only needed a sample size of 1 to provide a representative cross-cut of Masonry in South Carolina. Naturally, he chose at random based on who happened to be in his office at the time and ended up conducting the survey on himself."
 

"The Grand Lodge Committee on Membership is still analyzing the results of the survey effort, but preliminary data suggests that this is the best year that South Carolina Masonry has ever had!," MW Snow exclaimed. "Based on the overwhelming satisfaction on the part of the Craft, I'd expect our membership numbers to increase significantly over the next several years, especially if my successors continue my initiatives. We could very well see the resurgence of Masonry for the first time since the 1960's!"

The Grand Lodge of South Carolina will be writing up a comprehensive after-action plan once the results are fully analyzed, but has already begun to budget funds for two "must have" programs according to the survey: expansion of area Masonic youth groups and the funding of the Grand Master's Lady's book club. 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand York Rite Bodies Announce Sweeping Website Upgrades; Unveil Partnership with GeoCities

Greenfield, IN - On Monday, the General Grand Chapter of Royal Arch Masons, in concert with the General Grand Council of Cryptic Masons International and the Grand Encampment of the Knights Templar, announced their intention to modernize a collection of over twenty York Rite-related websites in order to better reach young Masons across the United States. These Grand York Rite bodies also announced, as part of this modernization plan, their intention to move past utilizing HTML editor to build their websites by partnering with GeoCities.

Bro. Joe Snow, spokesperson for the General Grand Chapter, explained the announcement further: "We have realized that the key to the future of our organizations lay with the masses of young Masons on the world wide web. That's why we've taken such a drastic measure to make sure that the glory of the York Rite is showcased as much as possible; we can't think of any better way to do just that than to partner with GeoCities for all of our future webdesign needs."

When asked why the Grand York Rite bodies chose GeoCities vice other webdesign applications such as WordPress or Dream Weaver, Bro Snow replied that it was the longstanding York Rite webmaster's idea. "We approached our webmaster about modernizing our websites using FrontPage 97, but he didn't feel that most Masons would be able to navigate a page constructed by such an advanced program. He was adamant that GeoCities should be the way of the future as far as York Rite websites are concerned, and we wholeheartedly agree." 
 

While the Grand York Rite bodies are looking to modernize their websites in the short term, they are also looking to expand their social media footprint. Bro Snow continued, "We're working on creating a social media presence next. We toyed around with the idea of Friendster, but our webmaster informed us that the best place on the information superhighway to reach young people today is Myspace, and we're looking forward to joining that community as soon as possible!"

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Lodge of Alaska Announces "Days of Masonic Conception" to Sustain Failing Youth Groups

Anchorage, AK - Earlier this week, the Grand Lodge of Alaska announced, among other initiatives to take effect in the new year, its plan to reinvigorate the disparate, underpopulated Masonic youth groups within its grand jurisdiction by encouraging Grand Lodge of Alaska Masons to forsake Masonic duties in favor of procreation. The edict reads: "...Whereas, the bond of brotherhood extends to the entire Masonic family, and whereas that Masonic family is exemplified within the organizations of Job's Daughters International and DeMolay International....the Grand Lodge of Alaska announces the 'Days of Masonic Conception' initiative. Whereas under this initiative it should be encouraged that every able-bodied brother abstain from one Masonic meeting each month in AL 6016 for the purposes of procreation to repopulate the Masonic family..." 

A Grand Lodge spokesperson spoke to The Past Bastard on the rationale behind this "unconventional" initiative: "We actually got the idea from one of our closest neighbors--the Russians--who fought population decline by declaring a national 'Day of Conception' in 2005. Every 12th of September, Russian men and women are excused from work specifically to procreate. We felt we could expand upon this idea and adapt it to the Masonic family by excusing brethren from Masonic duties for the same purposes, but instead of doing this once a year, we felt the odds were better if our 'Day of Conception' occurred each month!" 

When asked how this initiative might aid youth groups in the short term, Brother Joe Snow from the Grand Lodge Committee on Communications explained: "We're thinking long-term here. This is an investment in the future of the Masonic family. Besides, we'll only have to wait 10-12 years to see the results. That's a drop in the bucket for an institution that has existed since time immemorial." Brother Snow also commented on the concern of some Masons that the Grand Jurisdiction as a whole might suffer with the decreased participation in lodge activities: "The Grand Lodge of Alaska is not concerned. If nothing else, the more senior members can continue to run the lodge while the younger ones go off and ensure the continuation of the Masonic family." 

While it is simply too early to tell whether this initiative will pay dividends in the long term, this reporter would like to note that, at least in the short term, Russia seems to be getting results. 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

 

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Grand Master of Arizona Confers Jurisdiction's Highest Masonic Award. You’ll Never Guess On Whom.

Phoenix, AZ--On Saturday, Freemasons from across the state of Arizona made a pilgrimage to Phoenix to the annual Grand Lodge Convocation to purchase overpriced Masonic swag, attend tedious meetings, usher in the next iteration of the progressive grand line and, perhaps most importantly, witness the Grand Master’s conferral of the “Hiram Award for Masonic Lifetime Achievement” on a worthy brother. Speculation as to this year’s recipient was a topic of hot debate leading up to the convocation, past recipients having included the likes of actor John Wayne, senator Barry Goldwater, and creator of the bolo tie James-Robert Peuderschmidt.

The hot debate over this year’s recipient turned to shock as Most Worshipful Joe Snow took the stage and announced that, this year, he would be conferring the Hiram Award on none other than the current Grand Master of Arizona--himself! “When it comes down to it,” MW Snow explained, “I realized that I have done more for Masonry than anyone in this jurisdiction--especially this year. I truly could not think of anyone more deserving to receive this award. Please join me in giving myself a hand!” 
 

Brother Jim Johnson-Dreisenbock, Worshipful Master of Durka Durka Lodge in Douglas, AZ, expressed his support to The Past Bastard: “Frankly I’m surprised Most Worshipful hadn’t already received that award. Usually, our Grand Lodge Officers make it a habit to confer awards on fellow Grand Line members. While I had hoped that this year Most Worshipful would have bucked that trend by choosing a lesser Grand Line member like his Administrative Assistant or Official Photographer, I ultimately can’t argue with his choice.”

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Grand Master Combats Membership Decline with Edict Banning Creativity

Fargo, ND--Most Worshipful Joe Snow, Grand Master of North Dakota, has issued an edict banning creativity and innovation in lodges across the grand jurisdiction, reportedly to combat a decades' long decline in Masonic membership. Among other items, the edict cites tradition as a supreme fraternal unifying force and mandates that tradition be adhered to in its entirety.

In speaking to The Past Bastard, MW Snow stated: "We've got a real problem here in Masonry. If we don't do something about declining membership, we're gonna die out. Back in the 40's when I first became a Mason, we practically couldn't keep up with all the petitions coming through our doors--and our lodge didn't even have a telephone! Much less this social media stuff." MW Snow continued, "...if we're going to return to the glory days of Masonry--especially as it was during my year as Master in 1952--we need to get back to our roots. No more of this internet nonsense. No more hokey philosophy-centric educational programs. Only when we've truly embraced our tradition of spaghetti dinners and good old boy networks will we return to our golden age as a fraternity."

When questioned on the sustainability of his policies, MW Snow seemed certain they would endure: "Of course this edict is going to endure! I've received written statements of support from each of my Grand Line officers that they'll continue it after my year." When asked about the prospect of bringing a younger demographic into the Grand Line, MW Snow scoffed: "Give 'em 20-30 years. Then they'll be ready. That is, if they've had their turn as a district-wide officer by then."

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Breaking News! Anonymous Puts Shrine in Crosshairs; Announces Plans to Release Clown Unit Member Information Nationwide

Tampa, FL--On Friday, the self-proclaimed "hacktivist" group known as Anonymous announced its intention to release the personal information of Shriners International Clown Unit members across the country. In a press release uploaded to YouTube, Anonymous directly addressed Shriners International, stating: "We have followed your Clown Units for years. We have watched you men put on makeup, wear ragged clothing, and proceed to scare children and adults alike throughout the United States. Clowns are the stuff of nightmares. You are the stuff of nightmares. This will not stand. The world deserves to know your names."

Noble Joe Snow, head of the Clown Unit at Durka Durka Shrine Temple in downtown Tampa, expressed his dismay: "I just don't understand it. Sure, we know the kids don't actually like the clowns. Actually, they run away screaming more often than not. But we've always had the clown unit. We can't break from tradition for anyone, no matter what the threat."

Anonymous failed to disclose when the group would release their treasure trove of information, but one thing is for certain: Anonymous and the Shrine can both agree that the situation most certainly isn’t funny.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Well-dressed Man Put on Trial by Lodge; Charged with 'Engaging in Metrosexual Behavior'

Macon, GA--The Past Bastard has learned that a local fashion enthusiast is facing Masonic charges after repeated violations of his local Masonic lodge dress code. Joe Snow, member of Simpleton Lodge No. 2 1/2, insisted on dressing up to attend lodge, reportedly in direct contravention of lodge code. Bro. Snow is being charged with "engaging in and advocating support of metrosexual behavior," an offense punishable by expulsion. Jim Snow, Worshipful Master of Simpleton Lodge explained, "Brother Joe's behavior is inexcusable. He insisted on wearing three-piece suits to lodge when our dress code is known to be bib overalls, and t-shirts only for degrees. God didn't make Adam and Eve wear suits! Neither should we! Brother Snow is breaking divine sartorial law. He deserves to be expelled."

The Past Bastard caught up with Joe as the situation unfolded. He explained: "I've been in love with fashion for as long as I can remember. I've tried adhering to the dress code, but for me it's who I am, not a choice I make."

Traditional Observances lodges across the country have aired their support for brother Snow. Johnathan Smith, member of Traditional Lodge No. 1 in Winchester, Kentucky, called out against the perceived injustice: "In today's society, sartorial law differs greatly from Biblical times. We must accept that there just isn't a divine standard for men's clothing in this day and age. As long as you don't force me to wear your clothes, I'm fine with whatever you choose to adorn yourself with."

The Past Bastard will continue to bring updates as this story unfolds. For now, the writers are sure of one thing: It shouldn't matter what clothes you wear, so far as you wear them--for it is well known that "no nudist can be made a Mason." 

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Shrine Announces Partnership with Sea World; Changes Motto to "Fun with a Porpoise"

Tampa, FL--On Monday morning, Shriners International announced its intention to partner with Sea World to improve the quality of life of children undergoing treatment in Shriners Hospitals for Children in Florida, Texas, and California. Shriners International will initially partner with Sea World Orlando to provide low or no-cost chaperoned excursions to Sea World; however, the organization plans to expand partnerships to Sea World San Antonio and Sea World San Diego in the near future. Shriners International concurrently announced official plans to change the organization's motto from "Fun with a Purpose" to "Fun with a Porpoise" to better reflect this endeavor going forward.


Noble Joe Snow, a Shriner in the Tampa area applauded this new venture: "When it comes to the Shrine, it's all about the kids. Have you ever seen a kid who didn't love dolphins? It's a no-brainer!" Not everyone was amused, however. Johnathan Smith, head clown of Durka Durka Shrine Temple in Tucson, AZ fumed: "Way to take the easy route right there! The truth is, we've never met a kid who actually likes clowns; but everybody likes Flipper! Heck, they even go nuts for Shamu! I don't want to see the clown unit die off out of internal competition. We're the heart of the Shrine. If we die, the Shrine dies!"

Shriners Hospitals for Children is changing lives every day through innovative pediatric specialty care, world-class research and outstanding medical education. Twenty-two locations in the United States, Canada and Mexico, provide advanced care for children with orthopaedic conditions, burns, spinal cord injuries and cleft lip and palate.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Police Officer Investigates Domestic Disturbance at Local Masonic Lodge; Elected Steward

Poughkeepsie, NY--A police officer found the surprise of his life Friday night while investigating a reported domestic disturbance at a local Masonic lodge as he was immediately elected to the position of Junior Steward and ordered by the Master to go downstairs and wash dishes. Joe Snow, Worshipful Master of Hideaway Lodge No. 34 explained: "We were in the middle of our monthly stated meeting quarreling with some of the past masters on who was going to clean up downstairs after the meeting. This officer burst in and problem solved! If he does well, maybe in a couple of months we'll promote him to tiler." 

Officer Nick Campbell-Smith expressed his amazement and disbelief: "I usually wash dishes at home, so it's no big deal. Just wasn't expecting this. I mean--I'm not even a member of the lodge!" Residents of Poughkeepsie can sleep easier tonight knowing that the only further disturbances from Hideaway Lodge will be the murmuring of various Past Masters as they complain that "that's now how dishes were done in my year."

-SK. Bro Mason Burhmaster

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Man Protests Youth Group Dinner Amidst Fears That Jobie Meatballs Contain Actual Jobie

Cheyenne, WY--A Wyoming Freemason has taken to the streets in protest of the local Jobie Bethel's annual fundraiser amidst concerns of cannibalism. Joe Snow, of Cheyenne Lodge No. 226, explained: "Well, I was coming down to the fundraiser dinner to support the Masonic youth groups and asked the Bethel Guardian what was on the menu. To my shock and horror, she replied with 'Jobie meatballs!' I can't abide cannibals, especially when they prey on our children, who are the future of Masonry!"

Local Bethel Guardian Edwina Sanchez states she tried to calm the man down and explain that the meatballs were made by Jobies, not with Jobies: "He just wouldn't listen. He started screaming 'meat is murder' and ran out of the hall. About an hour later, he came back with signs and started picketing. The dinner's been over for three hours now and he's still out there!"

Founded in 1920, Job's Daughters International a.k.a. Jobies is a Masonic-sponsored youth organization for girls and young women aged 10-20. The organization is commonly referred to as simply Job's Daughters, and sometimes abbreviated as JDI. Job's Daughters welcomes many religions and cultures. No word on how tonight's events will affect next week's DeMolay ham dinner fundraiser.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Popular Masonic Author Recalls Bestselling Book In Response to Criticism Over Insensitive Title

Indianapolis, IN--Masonic author Chris Hodapp has recalled both editions of his bestselling book Freemasons for Dummies in response to criticism that the title's use of the word "Dummies" is offensive and insensitive. Brother Joe Snow, a Mason from Backwater Lodge No. 66 in Bluefield, WV aired his complaint: "See, I like Masonry. My brothers and I done good things for the community, and the local Shrine hoe down is the talk of the town. I might not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm a Mason irregardless. And I really like Hodapp's book. But jus' because this book ain't Mackey or Pike and I like it doesn't mean that I'm a dummy 'cause I can understand it."

Bro. Hodapp did not immediately return phone calls asking for comment. His book, Freemasons for Dummies, has been lauded as "the best general book on Freemasonry any Mason or non-Mason could want." A source close to The Past Bastard who spoke on the condition of anonymity stated the book will likely be re-released with the title Freemasons for Simpletons who want to Learn about Freemasonry without all the Complicated Jargon that Freemasons Tend to Use While Explaining Freemasonry. No word on whether or not this new title will take off.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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