Lodge sets new dinner record

Wellington, MO - Composite Lodge No 279 claims to have set a Masonic record by serving the exact same meal for 60 years.

“We have two special meals a year,” said WM Fred Cowan, “and since 1955, at our Fall Festive Board, every single year we’ve served baked chicken, canned green beans, and boiled potatoes.”

They never set out to set any records, but last year several of the Past Masters recalled that their fathers, uncles, and grandfathers had talked about eating the exact same dinner. WM Cowan asked the Secretary/Historian to check through the minutes to see how long the lodge had been serving the Fall Festive. “We were a little surprised that it had been going on that long,” he admitted, “but after 59 years there wasn’t any point in changing the menu.”

WM Cowan didn’t think that there would be any chance of changing it in the future, either. “We’ve had three generations of brothers eating baked chicken, canned green beans, and ‘taters,” he said. “That’s like a tradition now. No other lodge can claim to have been serving the same meal as long as we have.”

When asked about the other special dinner, WM Cowan said “Oh, the June cookout? Why, burgers, hot dogs, and potato salad, of course. It would be un-American to serve anything else”

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Breaking News! Overnight Masonic Satire Sensation Inspires Copycat Antics; Masonry is Doomed

Tampa, FL--The Past Bastard has received breaking news that the overnight Masonic news satire sensation (that'd be us) has officially inspired others to take up the front lines of the fight against all Masons who simply take themselves, and others, way too seriously. "Coach" John Nagy, Masonic author, social media guru, and The Past Bastard satire enthusiast has released his own article entitled "Membership Decline Linked to Climate Change" on his blog Building Better Builders!

SK Mason Burhmaster, Managing Editor for The Past Bastard made the following statement: "We at The Past Bastard laud any attempt to call attention to eccentricities of the Craft through cleverness and humor; however, Brother Nagy's attempt to correlate Masonic membership to bodily-produced greenhouse gases was simply too full of 'hot air' to appeal to a large readership. Notwithstanding, it is a pleasure to see the 'winds' of change taking shape in the Masonic blogosphere."

Brother Reginald Farquar, featured writer of The Past Bastard also chimed in, "...wait, what? Why are you bothering me? I didn't even have time to write my own bio for the site. Why on earth would you think I'd have time to talk about what some other guy wrote about greenhouse gas? I drive a Hummer."

Regardless of whether you prefer to stand upwind or downwind of Brother Nagy's humorous antics, one thing is for certain: Masonic satire, much like the occasional putrid fart, is destined to hang around for the time being. Brother Nagy's full article can be viewed on his blog, Building Better Builders!

-Bro. Dionysius Bacchus III

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Area Man Hospitalized With Petition Addiction

Spokane, WA - After feeling a tightness in his wallet late Tuesday evening, Ronald Frederickson of Spokane Valley, WA was found unconscious at home after having signed a petition to join the Royal Order of Scotland. 

Frederickson has suffered from petition addiction since early 2009, after signing his first appendant body petition to join the El Katif Shrine Temple. Having joined more than 15 organizations, including the YR bodies of Spokane, Spokane Valley of the Scottish Rite, Job’s Daughters, Demolay, and a number of invitational bodies, Frederickson’s addiction placed a huge strain on his family, costing thousands of dollars in dues per year and spending 80 hours a week in Masonic meetings.

Frederickson had admitted himself into local outpatient treatment facility in early 2013. Frederickson’s hand, permanently disfigured from signing his name on petitions, checks, and charters, had been seeing recent signs of improvement after two years of physical therapy.

“He was showing some real good signs of progress,” said wife, Chris Frederickson, “he actually remembered my name for the first time in years. He was even recognizing the face of our son. This is a huge setback. I just… I just don’t know where we go from here.”

Upon regaining consciousness, Frederickson reportedly asked the medical staff if the forms his wife completed qualified him to be elected as an official patient of the hospital and how much his hospital life membership would be. 

The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°

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