Report: Freemasonry provides "little to no opportunity" for baby boomers

Fort Wayne, IN - Despite a push for baby boomer recruitment in recent (non) peer reviewed Masonic scholarship, The Past Bastard has learned that baby boomers--those Americans born roughly between 1946 and 1964--are definitively not interested in joining Freemasonry as the organization provides little to no opportunities for baby boomer members to make it worse off. In his recent powerpoint slide ramblings-turned-book Reclaiming the Soul of Freemasonry, brother and notable baby boomer John William McNaughton cites survey data to argue that Masonic recruitment efforts should center on the baby boomer generation. The Past Bastard, not content to take any information strictly at face value, conducted its own detailed survey of the baby boomer populace to determine whether or not baby boomers were even interested in joining Freemasonry in the first place. Turns out, they aren't.

According The Past Bastard's comprehensive baby boomer survey, 87% of respondents stated that they had "little or very little interest" in joining Freemasonry; however, the detailed responses of those respondents shed light on why exactly boomers aren't interested in taking up the trowel. Overwhelmingly, respondents felt that Freemasonry "provided little or no opportunity." One respondent in particular elaborated: "We boomers take pride in how much we've screwed up the world for our posterity. I mean, look at the housing market, student loan debt, the o-zone layer, and the national deficit! We've certainly made our mark. Freemasonry isn't appealing as it simply doesn't afford us 'boomers' any opportunity to make it worse. It's got it all--rampant racism, homophobia, misogyny, Christian fundamentalism--I mean, I could go on for days. There just isn't much for us to play with here."

Another respondent remarked: "The organization is already practically bankrupt. There's no way for me to suck money out of it, and, while I love the idea of collecting pompous titles to give my life meaning, I'd simply rather stay at home collecting social security and posting on the facebooks about how the neighbor kids keep running through my lawn." Many survey respondents mirrored these responses.


So there you have it. Even if baby boomers are the correct target market for future Masonic recruitment efforts, this writer for The Past Bastard remains unconvinced of Freemasonry's appeal to boomers given the clear inability of the baby boomer generation to plunge the fraternity into darker depths than it has already reached. Perhaps we could bait them with pins?

-Exalted Patron Dr. Dorian Dalton

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Big changes coming to the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, and you'll never guess what they are!

Lexington,  MA - Scottish Rite members have been on the edge of their seats since the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction began pushing out cryptic videos last month. These videos tease something just around the corner, “Not just a man, a Mason” fades in and out. The words, “We’ve done a lot of Historic things…” and “The Story continues...” flash across the screen. The anticipation was just too much for us here at The Past Bastard, so we sent one of our faithful reporters on assignment to the NMJ to get the scoop on what's really going on up in Lexington, MA:

Reporting for The Past Bastard, I met an informant recently in the parking garage of a local shopping mall, who went by the name of “Shallow Throat.” What our informant revealed about the big plans and the videos that the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction has been pushing--which have been shared tens of times--was shocking. “We’ll see ourselves differently…” our informant began, "and NMJ members certainly will when they announce that the NMJ will formally announce a full blown re-dedication to the Pike Scottish Rite ritual, for starters."

According to Shallow Throat, the NMJ has suffered widespread criticism related to its constant changes for far too long. "The Northern Masonic Jurisdiction has decided to listen to its 'most intelligent members' and revert back to the core mission of being the "College of Freemasonry." I asked more about what was to come, and to my amazement, our informant dropped the following bombshell:

"Women." Shallow Throat stated plainly. I stared in disbelief. When I asked for further clarification on whether or not women were going to gain admission into the NMJ, Shallow Throat answered: "Well, not quite. Instead, the 33rds up in Lexington are planning to create a Scottish Rite spin-off for ladies called 'The Knights of KaDeuche.' But that's not all," our informant continued, "...these changes are all just a setup for the biggest change of them all--the proposal of a merger with the Southern Jurisdiction."

My blood ran cold. I asked our informant to clarify, to make sure I hadn't misheard. The informant went on, “The reason why Lexington has been hoarding money for so long, and deliberately choosing not to spend it on education or publications is because there's already a repository for those things in the House of the Temple in DC. If the Southern Jurisdiction agrees to the merger, the NMJ is ready to front the money to completely restore the House of the Temple so it can continue to provide light for all."

So, there you have it. When the NMJ finally releases the news, try to act surprised...like I didn’t already tell you what was going to be announced. 

-W:. Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Scottish Rite Tensions Come to a Head Over Social Inequality

Saint Louis, MO - In the recent wake of widespread dissatisfaction arising out of the increasing disparity in social status at Scottish Rite Valleys across both jurisdictions, two activist movements have taken shape to call for better treatment for the "hardest working men in Masonry."

The Black Caps Matter movement--BCM for short--originated in Missouri by Bro. Joe Snow, 32˚, of the Scottish Rite Valley of St. Louis, who spoke to The Past Bastard about his organization's push toward AASR equality: "For years, 32˚ Masons--black caps, as we call them--have been relegated to the worst duties in all of the Scottish Rite functions. We're back in the kitchen doing the dishes with the Eastern Star ladies while the white caps walk around shaking hands and mingling with the VIPs. We never get any of the best degree parts at reunions, and being a part of the 'Knights of St. Andrews' is a pretty poor consolation prize. Black Caps Matter was formed to raise awareness for the social inequality that has arisen out of this socially accepted practice of white cap privilege. Black caps are the hardest working men in Masonry, and we should be respected as such!"

A reactionary movement hot on the heels of BCM is seeking to call attention to Scottish Rite social inequality wherever it arises. Labeled All Caps Matter, the movement reportedly originated in Washington, DC to take a "measured approach" to combating social inequality. Illustrious Bro. Albert Lance of the Scottish Rite Valley of Washington, DC, who helped organize ACM, discussed his feelings on both organizations: "I have a tremendous amount of respect for the brethren of Black Caps Matter. Social inequality in the Scottish Rite is real, and 32nd degree Masons all over the country have suffered; but the BCM movement's aims are simply too narrowly focused. The fact of the matter is that KCCH's and 33rd degree Masons suffer as well. We're at events well before the 32nd degrees show up, and we're often the very last to leave. We're held to a much higher standard for behavior, and we always have to put on a show. One misstep and we're the brunt of all the jokes at the next Knights of St. Andrews meeting. It takes a serious mental toll. The fact of the matter is that we're all culpable. Social inequality is something we can more effectively combat on a united front by telling the world that all caps matter!"

While this writer for The Past Bastard is sympathetic to the need for social equality among Freemasons, one has to wonder about the effect that this fraternal discord will have on the blue lodges of Masonry. After all, the perception that the Scottish Rite is ripping Masons away from their Blue Lodge obligations has given rise in recent weeks to the Thin Blue Lodge movement, which has no doubt been set on an inevitable collision course with Black Caps Matter and All Caps Matter. Sure,  caps matter. But they should matter just as much as your Blue Lodge 3rd Degree Master Mason. As far as titles are concerned, the highest title one should ever receive in this fraternity should be that of "brother."

- SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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Arturo De Hoyos To Translate/Update Anderson's Constitutions; Book Tour Imminent

Washington, DC - Fueled by the success that has arisen out of repackaging works written by others, Arturo de Hoyos, Grand Historian of the Scottish Rite Southern Jurisdiction, has announced his next project: an updated translation of James Anderson's Constitutions of Masonry. Bro. Joe Snow, a spokesperson for the Scottish Rite, explained: "We are incredibly pleased with Illustrious Bro. de Hoyos' decision to update one of the most foundational Masonic works ever written; his updated translation and commentary will ensure that this important historical work can be readily digested by anyone in the Craft today."

The project, tentatively entitled Art's Commentaries on Anderson's Constitutions of Masonry, is reportedly nearing completion and marketing efforts are currently under way. "We're working on a book tour now," Bro. Snow explained. "It'll be a huge deal! Come down to your local Scottish Rite valley -- well, the southern ones anyway -- pick up a book, and meet the author!" When The Past Bastard pointed out that James Anderson was, in fact, the actual author of the Constitutions, Bro. Snow stated: "As in the case of Albert Pike's Esoterika or the Scottish Rite Ritual Monitor & Guide, the original authors laid the ground work, but Bro. de Hoyos' updates perfected those 'rough' ashlars and made them accessible across the Craft for generations to come!"

Bro. Snow seems hopeful that this project will spin off others like it. "Once we get the book tour under way, we'll likely make this work required reading for the Master Craftsman XVII course. Ultimately, it is our hope the revenue opens up options for the Scottish Rite's most ambitious project yet -- Art De Hoyos' Holy Bible Monitor & Guide! As thousands of mere mortal men have been sparked by the Divine to reinterpret the literal word of God, Art de Hoyos takes on Masonry's preferred Volume of Sacred Law and finally makes it accessible to 33rds and Master Masons alike!"

Regardless of the original source of the work, one thing is clear. As long as Bro. de Hoyos keeps writing, this writer of The Past Bastard will keep reading.

-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster

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NMJ discusses replacing working tools with image memes

Crystal City, VA -- In one of the more revolutionary concepts to come out of the 2016 Masonic Week convention, Bro. John McNaughton, SGC for the Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction, floated the idea that the working tools associated with the lessons of Freemasonry are old-fashioned, and could easily be replaced by more approachable forms of symbolic communication.

“... far too many current Masonic leaders do not understand that some traditions which served the needs of the fraternity in the past have very simply become outdated technology. For example, their insistence of stressing memorized ritual above all else in the craft, along with their edicts and rules, do not seem to be working very well in mostly empty 21st century lodge rooms.”

The 33º SGC went on to describe how it might be better approached.

“The younger guys, today, are familiar with Facebook and Twitter, and they’re always passing along pictures that have been altered to have pithy or inspirational messages on them. Instead of trying to convey some kind of moral lessons with a few tools, like a square - which nobody uses in real life, anymore - we would be much better off showing them picture memes with the appropriate messages. It will be faster, and less prone to misunderstanding.”  

Although the SR has no authority over the Craft lodges, many Grand Lodge officers hold the various Supreme Grand Commanders in awe, and it’s not unusual for them to take those ideas and pass them along at the various Blue Lodge educational seminars. While there was little discussion over the idea of replacing the working tool lectures with Facebook memes, the fact that most of the Grand Masters and other officers present did not denounce the idea shows that at least some of them will be considering the move.

-- Conte Calvino Gliostro

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Scottish Rite Northern Masonic Jurisdiction to Finally Release Ritual & Monitor

Lexington Massachusetts—The Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite of the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction released some incredible news via their email newsletter, Squad Updates. “For many years there has been a lack of education within the NMJ, and this is partly due to not having a solid reference guide to our rituals.”, said a spokesperson from the Supreme Council. “Its a very exciting day that we announce the first ever AASR NMJ Ritual and Monitor!”

One member from the project was quoted saying, “The Southern Jurisdiction has for years, produced a fine copy of their Ritual Monitor with decent notes on the degrees by Scottish Rite Historian, Arturo de Hoyos, so it’s time we did the same thing.” There is one huge difference however in the NMJ’s approach. This will be a “living” ebook. A spokesman explained “Due to the constant updates and rewrites by Jaime C. Tongueballs, it was impossible to release a Monitor since it would be rewritten by the time the brothers received it. In this way, we can instantly upload the rewrites whenever Jaime conjures them up."

The “living” ebook will be released later this month when Grand Wiz Tongueballs finishes his on-location video shoot of a new set of degrees in New Zealand. Reports are, he enlisted Peter Jackson’s production company for the endeavor. That story forth coming. For now, enjoy the book that keeps on giving…because it keeps on changing. 

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Scottish Rite to Unify for "Scottish Rite Day" in November - Separate but Equal No More

Washington, DC—Valleys all over the United States are starting to send out notifications to their membership regarding the first ever Scottish Rite Day, which will take place on November 12^th, 2016. In this historic move the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction and the Southern Jurisdiction will come together for a day of celebration and unity. This event represents a significant shift in atmospherics in the Scottish Rite given the often unmentioned tensions which have historically existed between the two “separate but equal” organizations.

There will be many amazing things happening that day, the least of which will be a series of statewide 32^nd degree conferrals and a new Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite Jewel which features no delineation between either jurisdiction. 

The Past Bastard reached out to the PR reps for both organizations, who explained: “…the jewels were initially struck when the organizations decided on a policy of mutual forgiveness. The Northern Masonic Jurisdiction forgave the Southern Jurisdiction for not using the word “Masonic” in their title, and the Southern Jurisdiction forgave the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction for existing altogether. This act of mutual forgiveness spawned a plan to unify the bodies into one.”

Negotiations for a larger unification effort reportedly fell apart when members on both Supreme Councils “realized there could only be one Sovereign Grand Commander.” However, in true brotherly fashion, the Scottish Rite jurisdictions brought order from chaos when they decided to keep the date anyway and notionally celebrate the Scottish Rite as a whole. A spokesperson for the Northern Masonic Jurisdiction commented: "We couldn't just drop the event altogether because we have a contract with Netflix to produce a documentary on the unification effort. Nonetheless, this event is a good way to 'test the waters' and gauge interest for a greater unification effort."

While these jurisdictions might not ever see eye-to-eye, The Past Bastard is certain that this first stab at unification is sure to be a completely underwhelming event with an attendance somewhere in the tens in valleys all over the country.

Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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Pike Awakens; AASR SJ Announces Plans to Clone Albert Pike for SJ Podcast

Washington, DC—A spokesman for the Southern Jurisdiction of the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite announced over the weekend at a sold out charity event the plans to clone Albert Pike in order to produce a truly successful Scottish Rite podcast. The multi-million dollar project will be paid for by the Celebrate the Craft event and its success will ride solely on contributors to the campaign.

With laudable attempts such as The Life Masonic and The Tyler’s Place, which have ultimately failed to gather any continued steam after their initial launch, the Supreme Council hopes that their new show hosted by the cloned Albert Pike will provide that missing element for audio endeavors of Scottish Rite masons wheresoever dispersed.

“Look, it’s no secret the SJ has been glorifying Albert Pike and riding his coattails since he died.” Said Brother John Falafel, 32˚ and a member of the Valley of Washington Scottish Rite. “He will bring balance to the craft and provide meaningful content while at the same time providing a voice for endless plugs for his own show.”

"The process will involve a series of careful steps which the organization has been careful to lay out." Brother Falafel continued, "Everything will start with a careful exhumation of his [Pike’s] remains which have been in the House of the Temple for over seventy years. After that they will attempt to extract DNA from a tooth, assuming they can find one. The DNA samples will then be taken to a laboratory in Washington where the growing process will begin."

Daniel Waters a chief scientist who has signed on to the project pro bono said “It will be a delicate process. We will need to decelerate the growth at just the right time so that we have Pike in his prime. Too soon and he won’t have the credibility with older members, too long and we risk getting a crotchety old bastard.”

Although the just-announced project is still a year away from any CTC fundraising revenue, work on extraction will soon be under way, explained Brother Falafel: “With the crumbling walls of the House of the Temple, it should be relatively easy to pull down the edifice surrounding the remains.”

The countdown to the best Masonic podcast ever is underway and this reporter, can’t wait. The Exalted Masonic Hour of Power with Albert Pike is set to start casting on January 2017. 

--Worshipful, Dr. Chaz Nagler, Esq. 49˚

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