Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Breaking News! Knights Templar Take "War on Christmas" to Starbucks; Vow Boycott

Bone Gap, IL -- The Grand Encampment of the Knights Templar, which heads all of the York Rite bodies in the US and Canada, announced this morning that they are promoting a national boycott of the Starbucks as a result of the coffee chain failing to supply a traditional Christmas-themed coffee cup.

“It’s an insult to Americans everywhere,” said GEKT spokesperson David Goldstein. “Starbucks declared war on Christmas, and a war on Christmas means a war on Christians. The Knights Templar are the Masonic soldiers of Christ, and we will do whatever we can to defend the Christian faith.”

Goldstein went on to say that the most important thing was to order all Knights, and their subordinate Council and Chapter bodies, to stop buying Starbucks coffee. Knowing that this would be a difficult deprivation, Fellow Knight Jon Chung came up with a plan. “Look, we’re only human,” he said. “Giving up coffee completely is ridiculous. But we taste-tested the coffees at a number of other chains, and we’re going to give our recommendations to the American Commanderies around the US and Canada. There are lots of other chains that have good coffee.”

Knights will be directed to buy their coffee from Tim Hortons, Dunkin Donuts, and surprisingly, McDonalds. “There are two reasons for this,” explained strategist Amar Singh. “First, McDonald’s actually has good coffee, according to the various blind taste tests that we’ve had. But there’s also the fact that they sell it under the Golden Arches, which ties into our Royal Arch Degree. I’m sure that all Sir Knights can get behind that idea.” He paused for a moment and added, “Plus, there’s the extra bonus that a medium coffee at McDonald’s is still only a dollar. Since most of our brothers are a bit tight, that may end up being the biggest reason of all.”

--Conte Calvino Gliostro


  1. Great idea brothers now lets get an army together and march on ISIS.

  2. Since most are tight, they should not forget that regular hamburgers may be more cost effective than dry roast beef and give the members airs of eating at Club Mac's! Think of the pennies saved that can be used for buying lightbulbs... unfortunately not the metaphorical ones above the head that may go off when monkeys fly out of my....

  3. Why is it that coding not to recognize Christmas is the equivalent of attacking Christmas? These are two completely different agendas. Starbucks never denied the existence or importance of Christmas; they simply decided not to do a cup themed on that holiday. This is not an attack on Christianity. However, it is a measure to be more inclusive of the fact that there are several other holidays during this period to include New Years. So, they create a cup that encompasses the holiday season...not just a specific holiday. To boycott this chain would be a perversion of the truth. It would also be an expression of intemperance. Think about it, brothers.

    1. Dear Brother, thank you for your concern. Please head to your nearest dictionary and look up the term "satire."

      Mason Burhmaster

    2. Bro. Concerned - You're missing the point: Starbucks had a Xmas themed cup for years; removing it from their stores highlights the fact that they no longer recognize that Xtianity is the majority religion here in the US.

      Boycotting the stores sends the message that good Xtians want a return to the old-fashioned values. As a Mason, I'm surprised that you don't get this.